Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Trying to stay patient- part 7

Thanks Georgiabelle. I do feel it's important that the kids spend time with their mother and vice versa, however my issue is that W just expects them to do what she says and how she handles it.

First, she doesn't run her planned time with the kids by me. She'll text S15 (because she doesn't want to talk to me) and tell him when she's picking them up. She pretty much takes them every weekend (because they don't want to stay there during the week), which is not only unfair to me but unfair to the kids. I dont protest too much because I understand. But the kids want to spend their weekend playing with friends in the neighborhood, not watching tv at W's. I know- we need to agree on a set schedule, but until she's willing to discuss it with me...

And secondly, her refusal to talk to me puts the kids in the middle. When she stopped by earlier to pick them up, S15 was literally the middle man between W and D10- 'mom said you can't have sleepover if you don't go...' Then S15 and D10 get in to an arguement- 'I don't want to go'...'c'mon, mom said you have to go..' That's not the first time that's happened and forces me to step in to resolve.

My view on it is that times like these cause W to see the consequences of her choices and she doesn't like it.

And now the email, which i fully expected (and will not respond to).....

'Our most important role together FOREVER is co-parents. That is something we will have in common no matter what. The kids need both of their parents.You say that I've missed out on the kids and you feel bad, but then you don't support me in seeing them.Regardless of how you feel about me, they need their mom.

D10 was just being D10 today. She is a moody 10 year old girl, pushing the boundaries with her parents. All I needed from you was reinforcement.You should have told her to go spend time with her mom. I would've pushed her to spend time with you had it been reversed...
I let last night go since I've had them almost every weekend and I had to work this morning, but I wanted them today and tonight since you get to take them to zoo lights tomorrow night.
I miss them so much it is killing me. Especially my daughter.

The kids will have SOME say in how the time is divided between us, but that doesn't mean they get to choose to stay wherever, whenever. They need structure and discipline. Change is tough. Them staying with me is only going to get easier over time if they do it more and more....

*I also want you to know that I hate all of this. I am suffering too. I do miss you,no matter how mean we continue to be to each other.
I am riddled with guilt and other emotions. I was a sh!tty wife, and I need to let go of the guilt and anger that I have towards myself.. That's what me moving on is about...Not "me washing my hands of it all and our marriage" like you think.
My goal right now is to try to love myself and to change for the better every day. I need my children around me in order to feel whole. They are the only family I have.'

The part of that that tilts me is the first sentence. Like marriage vows are a complete joke, but I am righteous because what matters is that we are good separated coparents for the children, obviously that's what's best.

Then there's the part where she tells you your decision was wrong, that she knows what you're thinking about what she's thinking and that's wrong too, and basically trying to convince you that you're wrong about everything and somehow she has the moral high ground because she's talking about how the kids come first and she's trying to grow. Never mind that she seemed to need time with D for herself more than for D.

Good luck Tar.

Why won't you reply? It seems like a good opportunity to engage, to validate. I happen to agree with Georgiabelle and was surprised that you'd side with D10. It means I also agree with your W who expected you to reinforce her. It doesn't matter here that she bypasses you, that you don't have a schedule, etc. Let go of the scorecard. Tell her you agree to become better co-parents, that you appreciate she reached out, that you meant well but will adjust. Finally, either ignore her last paragraph or make a quick comment about also moving on and finding your way in this very new environment.

There's so much tension between the two of you. It makes everything more complicated. Try to relieve it. I was surprised at how reasonable her message sounded. It's an opportunity.

You're right Mozza, this would be a great opportunity to validate - if I wanted to save my M. But the truth is, I don't know that I do anymore. Like sandi mentioned, I think I've only been in it for the 'win'. I think there's a 99% chance we're headed towards D. I won't respond at all because it's too easy to argue with almost every sentence in her email. Her POV is 'I've decided to leave the M, so here's what's best for the kids' while mine has been 'here's what's best for the kids'.

I deserve better. I've gone through a lot of hurt because of W's actions during our S. Then to find out that there were at least 2 instances of inappropriate behavior by W prior to BD that she never planned on telling me about- why would I want to be with that person? And because she's unwilling to discuss those instances, I find it hard to imagine finding our way back to each other down the road. I think I'd still have a lot of anger and resentment.

W was an amazing and thoughtful mother for 14 years. However, this past year she acted out of selfishness. I don't say that out of anger. I say that based on words and attitude shown towards W by the kids. I don't encourage it, but I also don't think it's my job to rebuild W's relationship with the kids. She's made poor choices and now is wanting me to clean up her mess and 'support' her. Use the sleepover as an example- D10 called W the night before, asking her to call her friend's mom to set it up, because in her words 'it's not that mommy forgets, she just won't do it.' And sure enough, when W came to pick up D10 yesterday, she still hadn't set it up. I think that's what set D10 off into her 'mood'. And I'm not going to cover or make excuses for W. This isn't a competition of who can be the better parent, but all I can do is focus on being the best dad I can be. What's sad is that D10 is at an age in which she needs a strong female role model, and she's not getting that in her mother.

Tar,

I know how you feel. The communication between W and I is pretty much nonexistent. But I keep get the conflicting "we need to be good co-parents" but for her it seems stuff for the kids is based on what fits into her life after being selfish or just interacting about them on her terms. Worse yet, I think some of it is just trying to improve others perception of her, since they saw her just leave the kids and M. I don't know.

Anyway, Mozza give me some advice that while it's tough, we need to see not what is best for the kids independent of the sitch that they're in, but what really matters in the sitch we are in. I think I need to take a step back on some things, because it's just increasing the tension between the two of us and that's truly not good for the kids.

Zues,

Oh I agree with the heavy handed threats. That's horse caca in my opinion. Please note, that my xh has said some crazy things including he would just disappear and never use another electronic device (haaaaa!!!!) if kids did not do x. I consider myself flexible and fair, although I no longer engage with nuttiness.

Tar, I totally see your sitch. I do. The only thing is that it feels in a way that you are trying to teach your W a lesson. I understand that she is "picking and choosing" what works for her. And she wants it her way. I get it- I do :-) I just think that your kids are old enough to speak their thoughts and feelings to their mother. I witness that frequently with my kids to their Dad and while it's sad, I also find it necessary for their benefit. It's a sticky sitch no doubt and just love and support your kids. That's all. There is no *easy* fix to their pain.

Hang in there!

Allow me to ramble for a minute...

I know that nobody on this board can tell me what I want in life or what decision I should make. I've been trying to step outside of my sitch and try to look at it as if it was happening to a friend- what would I tell a buddy if he told me his wife had cheated on him before BD? Then started dating someone during a separation? Had been untruthful to him at various times throughout the past year?

Would I tell him that he deserves better? That he should file for D and move on from his W? Or would I tell him that only he can decide what he wants and he should do what makes him happy? I have friends on both sides of that fence that I consult with.

So my meeting with the atty is scheduled for tomorrow. Haven't had a lot of contact with W- in fact it's all been through email the past couple weeks. And despite how nasty I've been at times (as a result of finding out pre BD info and her refusal to explain), why is it so difficult to say D is 100% what I want (or need to do)??

In one of our email exchanges earlier this week, I asked W about paying for the dissolution and how Christmas probably wasn't the best time for it. No lie, her response was 'I'm ok with not going through with the dissolution yet. You're the one who decided to rush this along. I'm still torn on all of this..'

What?!?! That eventually led me to thinking about breaking it to the kids this close to Christmas. Not only would that ruin it this year, but would they always look at Christmas as the time their parents told them they were getting a D?

I understand that this would be the perfect time to just lay low and let things play out. But would it really be about wanting to save my M or would it just be about 'winning'??

Tar,

This can be very confusing...especially with the holidays around the corner.

What would you say in your response to W's text?

I would suggest that you not tell the kids since you two are feeling mixed up emotionally and one would not want to leave less than positive memory of the holidays in the kiddo's minds.

Goodness...I've read so many stories here and IRL about how people relay that their parents dropped the bomb on their birthdays, Xmas, or some special occasion. The sad thing is that their memories of the special day is forever associated with the bomb day.

(Raising hand). Pick my H!!!!! Jerk.