Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Claire #10 -- Still DBing, I think

Claire,

In some ways, your situation is so very similar to mine and I read much of what I am going through in your trials and tribulations. While I am still new here and can't offer advice, please know that I am praying for you and keeping you in my positive thoughts as you deal with things. I greatly appreciated raliced and zew's points of view on letting go vs. still standing. FWIW, know that there is someone out there reading this and rooting for you to find peace and solace in moving forward.

Raliced and zew, thanks for insight. I'm in a teary place tonight, and re-reading your perspective certainly contributed.

Dawn, and everyone who has been so supportive to me-- I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear such kind words of encouragement and empathy.

I've been on a rollercoaster the last couple of weeks.

Feeling down tonight, so, let me focus on some positives:
--Made pancakes with my D this morning. "Mama, these are so good!"
--Made chocolate chip cookies with D and her friend. 'These are the best cookies ever!'
-- Cooked 3 different things in the last couple of days
-- bought D new shoes
-- played with D on the playground, had a blast.
-- Had some cuddle time with D this morning.
-- finally replied to several long overdue emails
-- made myself a healthy and interesting dinner (improving my cooking skills has been one of my GAL goals)

Deep breaths.

Ok, that helped a lot. Because for some reason after I saw H tonight, my chest was tight and I felt so stressed. He was borderline hostile with me. Not sure why. Not sure why I care. I think my PMA is coming across as fake to him. I can see why-- it feels a bit fake to me. I can't quite be totally at ease in a genuine way, and I can't fake it very convincingly.

I don't know how to *be* around him. I can move on from the hurt and pain. But I don't know how I'll ever be able to look at him without feeling anger and hatred if we get D. And I don't see any way that we won't.

So, I'm praying that I have the strength to let go. To really, really let go of this dream I had. To let go of the family and friends I had through him. (Some of those relationships are still in my life, but they are not the same and just won't be). To let go of this hurt and pain.

Step 1: To show myself compassion by getting enough sleep.
Sorry this isn't a more optimistic post. I know I sound so lame tonight. ugh.

Agreed. Letting go isn't easy but I think the M has to completely die for you to find your best self and rebuild. If WAH does the same and those roads cross, great. but that will never happen if we hang on tight. For me what makes it easier is knowing the M I wanted is already dead. An M where one spouse kicks another out, sees other people, etc, etc...that's not the M I wanted. So the M I wanted is already impossible. I will take care of myself and not get close with anyone, including WAS, until I'm over that loss, in a better place for myself, and have reason to believe my next R won't go down this road.

This is a great list! And please do share your true moods here, good or bad. This board should be a safe place. Also, I'm also struggling with letting go, so I appreciate seeing how others cope with this challenge.

By the way, I also have a hard time not coming across as fake, but more in the "validation" department. I'm a typical solutions-guy and to be only reflecting and asking questions and reflecting totally feels like I'm putting on an act. My W never said anything, she seems to tag along in fact, but I suspect it's a case of "fake it til you become it." Keep it up.

Hi Claire

You're doing fine and that's a good list. Zeus's comments are worth paying attention to though - don't cling onto something already gone, it will just drag you down with it

I've found I drift between anger and feeing sorry for my W. It sounds a bit arrogant but I know that the life she wants is right there for her (with me) but she is letting her fear and anger not see it. It makes me determined not to let my fear and anger stop me from having the life I want.

If you want a model of love and forgiveness then I bet you have one right there in your D3 - I know I can learn a lot from mine.

And as Mozza said this board is a safe place for you to post good, bad whatever - we want to understand in part so we can help and in part in the hope it helps us understand ourselves

I see your list up there and those are all great things, but what are you really doing for you? I'm talking things that you would do for yourself married or not, mother or not.

What makes Claire, Claire?

What projects are you able to lose yourself in?
Do you love to turn the music up loud and dance?
Is there something you've always wanted to learn?
I made a version of a bucket list at some point after H left and started doing those things. You know, the things you put behind the obligations of family and work.

I've continued to do that because we do tend to lose ourselves in M and motherhood.

What would be on your list, Claire?

Hello Claire. I hear you... Everyday I hate everything about this and struggle to know how to *be* around my WAW too. All any of us can really do is try to keep faith that what zew said is truely the best way forward...

"I don't like the situation; I can't seem to make it better. But it is completely in my control to not make it worse. I can act in a way that doesn't give my W any reason to believe that D is her best option. I'm acting consistent with my values, and that lets me sleep at night."

You can do it Claire. Please keep it up.

Labug.. you read my mind. I was thinking about this last night. It's always been an issue for me that I didn't have enough outside interests.

I love to bake. I really find it relaxing and challenging to learn new skills.

I want to get better at cooking.

I have loved the feeling when I am strong and in shape. I want to push myself to start running again, when my PT gives me the ok.

But this is a big big question for me. Always has been. I think that because of my anxiety and perfectionist issues, I always felt like if I couldn't be perfect at something right away, what was the point. I tried knitting, photography, cake decorating, but nothing seemed worth the investment in time and money. I don't know what my "thing" is. I don't know what sets me apart. My identity was always shaped by my work but I never had enough of a life outside of work. My parents are the same way. They don't have many outside interests that they really pursue.

I'm open to suggestions...

Take a baking class.
You don't have to run to get in shape, start something that doesn't exacerbate your injury. Yoga maybe?


I have a bit of this in me, too. I thought I had to be an expert from the first attempt. I decided to let go of that and let myself have beginner's mind about a lot of things. Everyone starts somewhere. I was keeping myself from enjoying lots of things based on what others might think of me.

There must be somethings you've thought "If I only had the <time, money, skill> I would love to_______."

Thanks labug. I spoke with a colleague at lunch about this and left feeling more at ease. I will pursue some baking classes... I want to be "known" for something (not in a world famous kind of way, but if people were to say, "oh, Claire makes the most amazing scones" I'd be happy with that! :-)

And I will start doing yoga on the weekends.
Weekdays i really just don't have time. I leave work and have to go straight home. I'm not willing right now to give up additional time with my D. But I can do more for myself at home.