Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Claire #10 -- Still DBing, I think

I agree-- she definitely didn't exclude me to deliberately hurt me, and I know this is all hard for her. She was a LBS herself many years ago.

But I guess I wonder if having a R with someone (even a STBXMIL) requires being able to tell them how you feel?

I do like your advice. Send her some pics and make my own book too. I'm still debating whether to tell her that I'm sure this is hard for her too, But that my feelings were definitely hurt last year. ..

I don't know, Claire, it sort of depends on how good your relationship is with your MIL. I lean towards saying something, but that's my new thing, expressing myself in places where I wouldn't have otherwise.

A long time ago, at my SIL's wedding, I was hurt that they gathered up the whole family for pictures, EXCEPT ME. MIL was just too flustered and busy posing to notice that the photographer was excluding me. I should have just inserted myself into the picture anyway, but I sulked instead. I explained it to H later, but by then it was too late, of course.

So....I might vote for sending a couple of pictures that include you, but I might also say something to your MIL that you noticed you weren't in any of the pics so far. She might not even realize it. Of course, then if the finished product still doesn't include you after you explained it, that's the point you'd need to "rise above gracefully."

Or....you can also wait and see if there's any improvement in this year's finished project. Last year, everything was probably newer, fresher and more awkward for everyone. That will also give you time to consider if its something worth addressing with her.

Good Luck! Its amazing how these situations can be emotional minefields for us.

I just wrote back, "will do. I love that you make these books for D."

(no reply to that).

And... for anyone who thinks i have made any progress whatsoever, let me just state for the record that I still feel so upset anytime I get any communication from him that shows he is D-O-N-E. For example, making plans with our D without me for months in the future.

I don't feel very emotionally connected with my own family. I don't like spending time with them. I want to be part of a family I can feel connected to. I thought I had that. I thought I had someone who would love me unconditionally. I cannot believe how wrong I was.

After a year the hurt still feels very, very deep and I wonder how long it will take me to really truly heal.

And, to help me get out of this funk so I can go to bed because i have a killer day tomorrow, and I'm perpetually exhausted...

Things I don't miss about H:

1) Getting dressed in the dark trying not to wake my H
2) Tiny chest hairs (or maybe it was just his hair falling out) all over the bathroom.
3) his snoring
4) the way he chewed his food
5) being with someone who was always grumpy in the morning
6) never being able to hear him on the phone because he mumbles (I don't talk to him on the phone anymore)
7) feeling anxious when he was rude to my parents
8) the way he showed contempt for my emotions and needs (well, that's a biggie!)
9) feeling so alone, even though I was in bed next to my husband. I think that's the thing I don't miss the most. That was such a terrible, terrible feeling.
10) fearing that he would leave me. At least that fear is gone.

I love your list of things you don't miss about H, Claire. Strangely, mine is almost identical. Huh.

For the album, I'd just let go. Make your own.

Good list! Even though I match 3 or 4...

It's scary to see how much you still hurt after a year. It seems like everyone who has reconciled gave up at some point. Labug's post is a good example. Are you getting there?

Claire, I've been meaning to say this to you for SO long.. since we share the same BD date. But I just remembered after I read your number (10) up there.. you and I, we can congratulate ourselves because we have just survived (probably) the worst year of our life. I was like you.. I feared he'd leave me, he did, and I survived. So did you. Now you know what you're made of.

And here's a little chuckle for you.. if I had to guess, I'd say (2) up there is something else altogether

Important distinction, I didn't give up, I let go and moved forward into my life.

Claire, I just wanted to send you my love. Everything you have written I could have written myself. I am just about a year into this and it still hurts every day. I just want to wake up and be my old happy self with no real worries for just a day.

It's so difficult to detach.