Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife has left and filed for divorce

My wife and I have been married for eight years and have two sons, ages seven and four. We have always had a tumultuous marriage. I used to have very bad jealousy about my wife's past and would make her feel guilty about the things she had done. I also have had a terrible temper where I've yelled, screamed (sometimes in her face), thrown things, etc. One time I accidentally hit her when punching the bed. I have also been controlling, have tracked her whereabouts via her iPhone, and have even made her feel bad about spending time with her family sometimes (I did this because she would stay out until 3 AM with her sister, for example, without letting me know where she was, so I felt that her sister was a bad influence on her). In short, I've realized I've been quite emotionally abusive to my wife.

My wife, in turn, has been very emotionally neglectful and disrespectful. When trying to talk with her, she would totally shut down, which used to spark my temper. She has also been sarcastic and rude and self-centered.

We both have had emotional affairs (more on my side) and mine went physical one time (no sex).

She's moved out in the past a couple of times and has threatened divorce a couple of times as well. But we always seemed to make it through.

With all this said, we have also had many very good and happy and loving times. I do believe the good times have outweighed the bad times; however, I also know that the ratio wasn't good enough between the good and bad. But we've had a lot of fun raising the boys, going on trips, have had great sex, etc.

Last week my wife left with our sons and moved in with her parents. I received a Temporary Order of Protection at my office stating I couldn't have any contact with any of them until the hearing date on 10/27 which was then moved to 11/3. I also found out my wife filed for divorce.

In the Order of Protection, my wife stated that I had recently drug her down the stairs, threw her out of the house, followed her to her parents' house and made her come back home. This is in reference to a situation about 2.5 months ago when she lied to my face and I kicked her out of the house. I did not drag her down the stairs violently (I may have pulled her down on her butt step by step like a child). I did not throw her out of the house. I did not follow her or make her come home. Rather, I found her at her parents' house after being concerned about her and she told me she wanted to come home and to start over.

So her leaving took me completely by surprise and has devastated me. I had thought that the last two months, despite a couple of bad times, were going very well. Even my counselor mentioned that he had seen me making good, positive improvements in controlling my temper and anger. I was at a loss as to why she left because I haven't lost my temper the way I used to (yelling, screaming, throwing things) for a long time. In fact, my wife was the one who most recently screamed and threw something at me.

Her leaving has been a giant wake-up call to me and after much soul searching I realized how deeply I've hurt her over the years with my temper, my criticisms, my demeaning and mean words, name-calling, etc. I'm a Christian, and so I also realized that all these years when I've tried changing myself, controlling my wife and my family (with good intentions), and trying to fix my marriage were futile. I realized only God can do these things through me, and so I've given myself up to Him to remake me. The nice side-effect of this is that all my anger I've had towards my wife has simply vanished, and now I long so much for reconciliation, not just for my sake, but for my boys' sake.

I have a lawyer, of course, who was able to get me visitation with my boys for three hours (monitored by my wife's aunt) on 10/25. I see this as a good sign since I'm now able to visit with my boys before the hearing date. Also, according to my lawyer, my wife may be willing to drop the Order based on how this weekend goes. This past weekend, I also ran into my mother-in-law who said my wife is basically broken and is already in counseling. She also stated that my wife doesn't want to fight in court and will probably drop the Order--all she wants is peace. She told me matter-of-factly that right now my wife is focusing on getting healthy and happy again, and that things will probably continue going as they are towards divorce, but that even divorce doesn't mean it's the end. She suggested I write letters.

How can I save this marriage? I just got The Divorce Remedy and have already done one session with a Divorce Busting coach. I am totally committed to reconciliation because I finally realize how badly I've treated my wife whom I truly love, and I wish for the boys to grow up in a happy home with two loving parents.

Can a marriage saved after a wife feels so hurt and terrified (her sister said she feels terrified) from years of emotional abuse? Can the kind of marriage I just described above be saved? I feel so awful about all of this.

Thanks for your help. Please let me know if I have given too many details.

Finish reading DR and follow through with your coaching sessions. Did the DB coach feel your M could be saved? I bet so, but not without a lot of work. Besides the DB sessions, I would strongly recommend you find a good therapist and get into an anger management program. The court may order you to do so, IDK. You probably need to find a lawyer to consult about your rights as a father.

It sounds as if both of you have a lot of issues that need to be resolved. With or without her, you need help with your own deep seated problems. You can start immediately by taking action to get help for yourself. In the meantime, I suggest you do nothing to agitate her. Stay away and make no contact. Get a lawyer to help you.

Save yourself, first.

My DB coach does believe the M can be saved, but it will definitely take a lot of work. I have been in individual counseling for a few years, just started therapy for OCD (my OCD bothered my wife a bit) and voluntarily joined an abuse intervention life skills program. I am also working with a lawyer for visitation and custody.

Yesterday afternoon, I ran into her father. We had a good chat. He told me my wife still loves me. He also told me how the night before she came over to his house to show him a therapy treatment that she and I could try for emotional damage during our childhood. He said he thinks we could see a counselor to see if we're ready for reconciliation

And then, last night, I found out my brother's girlfriend texted my wife. I had no idea and my brother's girlfriend later apologized and said she wasn't sure why she did it. But my wife told her that she's been crying at night and throughout the day and is taking it day by day.

I am definitely working on myself because I know our marriage can't succeed if I keep doing what I've done in the past. I've been working on my walk with God, along with the OCD therapy, counseling, and abuse intervention program.

Based on my wife still loving me, going to her parents' to talk about therapy for her and me for past emotional damage, and her crying, do you think there is hope that she has not completely checked out of the marriage yet and that there's a chance of reconciliation?

How about an update?

vertex, it sounds like you have a lot of work to do on yourself. Your W isn't likely to return until she sees real and lasting changes in your behavior. I am glad you are able to recognize your issues with anger and are getting help with them. Getting those issues are completely under control should be your first priority. Whether you reconcile or not, those issues will hold you back in whatever relationships you might have in your future. I know that if my H pulled me down the stairs (even gently) or accidentally hit me when punching the bed, I would be scared and have serious trust issues. You will need to work hard to rebuild that trust, and that means giving her LOTS of space, working on yourself, and letting HER approach you -- NEVER the other way around. Think about a scared dog. Does chasing after a scared dog ever draw it closer to you? No. You need to back away, work on being a calm and compassionate and listening person, and let her approach on her own, if that's what she ultimately chooses to do. Back WAY off. Work on yourself.

I echo Ahoy's comments about the work YOU have to do.

It concerns me that your focus is mostly on getting some sort of guarantee that she'll return to you. I'd be more concerned about not blowing it again when you go nuts b/c your temper sounds batchit crazy to me.

I don't say that to hurt or offend you but to wake you up to how the world views your behavior. It stinks.

I am amazed she stayed so long AND I am very concerned that you are minimizing how physically (yes, physically) abusive you were. Handling your wife in ANY WAY to get her out of her own home - b/c YOU wanted her to go, is so wildly inappropriate,

that I literally fear for her.

Chances are high that HER FEARS are mainly about taking you back and then having you revert again to your old (&recent) ways.

Work on you and only you and THEN MAYBE IN TIME - like when your IC says you are ready, make a small move but do nothing meanwhile to agitate her.

(If you have been going to counseling for years now, what has improved?)

It's a fragile "peace" for now and I'd say and do nothing to force a decision.

Chances are if you push for more, it will show how you have not really changed and that the superficial things you are doing are just to check them off a list
like they are 'tactics to get her back, NOT authentic deep changes in you.

Do you want to change b/c you want to become a better man, OR b/c you want her to return? IOW, do you just want to "win" or do you love HER?

Dig deep and work on you. Later, think about re-entering the relationship and trying to make a good marriage. What you described above sounds like a troubled marriage which has Not been meeting her needs for years.

Know this:

No spouse returns to a marriage they left, UNLESS

they believe the marriage can be different/better than before.

How are you going to show her that? (Not with words, but actions on your end?)

What are your 180s and GAL?

vertex - I agree with Ahoy, sandi2, but let me tell you how impressed I am that you're on this board and willing to look at yourself, see how you can improve and perhaps save your marriage. This puts you several steps ahead of others. Kudos.

I agree completely. These last few weeks have been such a wake-up call for me and has forced me to confront my horrible behavior. It's been a painful process, but I'm also glad for it. My goal and priority is to never be that kind of man again who has an awful temper and can easily lose it.

About the stairs: I don't remember pulling her down them at all, but that is what she said in the Order of Protection, so I was simply trying to imagine what I may have done. But I honestly don't remember pulling her down the stairs at all. And I do agree about the accidental punch--that is never okay and I felt and still feel awful about it.

She has forced us to have space due to the Order of Protection and, now that the Order of Protection is being dissolved by her, by a mutual restraining order. I have respected the space she has wanted and am definitely working on improving myself. It's just that I am scared, to be honest, because we have two kids and I fear that our family will be completely broken and that they will suffer. Our marriage was rocky, but we had many very good times and the boys were truly happy. Now, I have only seen the boys for 6 hours in the past 19 days or so, and I do believe they are being damaged through all of this.

Thank you for your advice. I am totally committed to being changed and improved (I have realized that I can't do this on my own and that only God can change me from within).

I agree that my temper in the past has been crazy. I am hopefully not trying to minimize what I've done--I really am trying to be as honest as possible because I know I need to change. Like I replied above, I really don't remember dragging or pulling her down the stairs at all. But that's what she claimed and so I am trying to see what may have happened. But I do remember at that time telling myself, "I will not lose my temper" and being calm the entire time I kicked her out of the house for lying.

You are right about her fears. In the past, I tried to change but mainly reverted back to my old bad habits. Her leaving this time has been such a wake-up call to me, though, that I am completely devoted to not being that old man anymore but being a new, better, peaceful man.

My counselor has been helping me with anger management and I can honestly say I haven't had a major blow-up the way I used to (screaming, throwing things, etc.) for a long time. My wife, on the other hand, did such a thing only a few weeks ago (a couple of weeks before she left). I really have been trying to improve and things were going quite well between us, which is why I was so surprised when she left. If she truly was scared of me when I kicked her out of the house, why did it take her two months to leave? Why did she never call the cops?

I want to change because I want to be a better man, father, and husband. I truly do want her to come back, not to win, but because I love her and love the family we have created. We had some very bad times, but we also had many awesome times and the boys were very happy.

I don't know how to show her that the marriage can be better than before except by giving her the space she wants, which I've been doing. I've had a few interactions with her family members and I've tried showing them through my actions that I am not controlling and am more peaceful now. But only time will tell.

I have tried being completely honest and transparent on this forum because I know my behavior has been horrible in the past. I always should have controlled my temper, I know that, but these things didn't happen in a vacuum. My wife had been very emotionally neglectful, refused to communicate with me about our issues (I would try talking with her and she would simply sit and stare at me and not say anything), lied a lot about where she was and who she was with (she even went out with an ex-boyfriend of hers one time), would lose her temper and throw things, and other things like that. Also, in the Order of Protection she filed on October 15, she exaggerated quite a bit about the things I had done and even lied in parts of it. I believe that's why she dropped the Order before our hearing date.

I'm not trying to justify my behavior, but I also wasn't a monster who lost his temper for no reason. Again, I'm not trying to justify at all. What I do believe now is that if I had been a better husband, if I had loved her the way she needed, and had not scared her with my temper, she would've softened over time, would've been more open to communicating with me, would've chosen to be more trustworthy, etc.

Here's an update as of November 3:

I felt positive after talking with her father last Tuesday afternoon. He told me that my wife still loved me, that he thought reconciliation could happen, and even said she had gone to his house the night before to talk about some sort of therapy for emotional trauma from childhood for me and for her. This gave me hope because it seemed like she hadn't totally given up on me.

Last week, there were quite a few conversations between our lawyers. On Thursday, my lawyer told me that my wife was dropping the Order of Protection. We were expecting this because there were many exaggerations and even some lies in what she said in the Order, and I believed she wouldn't want to go to court to be cross-examined by my lawyer. I believe she used the Order to simply gain an upper hand in the divorce proceedings while getting automatic custody of the boys.

By last Friday, October 31, I had only seen the boys for one 3-hour supervised visit since October 15. So for 16 days I had only seen them for 3 hours. It was breaking my heart. I know she and I had major problems we needed to work on and heal from, but I simply didn't know why she was keeping my boys from me. Was she being spiteful? Was she scared I'd hurt them (I had never abused them ever)? I know mind reading isn't good to do, but I had plenty of time to wonder what was going on in her head.

When my lawyer told me that my wife was dropping the Order of Protection, she also told me that my wife's lawyer said my wife had no interest in dropping the divorce or in a legal separation and that the door was closed but "the door isn't slammed shut". This gave me a glimmer of hope that if I continue to improve myself and make real, authentic changes, that my wife isn't totally 100% on board with the divorce. What do you all think? I know I need to focus only on me and my improvement for the time being, but it's hard not to wonder about her lawyer's words when my ultimate goal is reconciliation for my family.

On Friday, our lawyers were able to work out a situation where I could see the boys for 3 hours at the mall on Sunday. My lawyer tried getting me the option to take my boys to my parents' home so they could just have fun playing outside with their family and friends, but my wife refused to budge. I was pretty disappointed because it felt like they were forcing us to go to the mall as a sort of punishment. I mean, what is there to do at the mall for 3 hours?

Luckily, my friend suggested a scavenger hunt. My brother and I planned it and the boys loved it! My family came (brother, parents, sister, brother-in-law, niece) and some friends came as well, and the kids just had a blast going around the mall, finding their family members who were hidden in stores, and then finding various objects. We had a very fun time.

The boys told me about the house they're living in and my younger son mentioned a man he didn't know. I think he's simply the landlord, but it did make me wonder if there's more to the story. I don't think there is, but it is something to ponder about...

Some people from church have started contacting my wife, and I don't know if that's good or bad. I decided to simply leave the situation in God's hands and to let Him use anyone He wants to. One lady told my wife she has no idea what's going on in our situation and thus feels awkward, but just wanted to share her story about her parents who almost divorced.

Another man called my wife to talk about taking over her church duties. He told me later that she was very reserved on the phone but explained that she hadn't been back to the church so as to not have to answer questions for now.

I'm trying to be patient and simply trust God to handle the situation while I continue to improve myself, but it's very hard when I know that our marriage could be much better now that I have been forced to confront my horrible mistakes. I refuse to be the man I used to be and truly believe, if given another chance, I could control my temper and truly love my wife unconditionally.

I will keep trying to be patient, but this week I need to work with my lawyer about seeing my children more, now that the Order of Protection has been dropped. I don't want to antagonize my wife, but she isn't innocent in all of this and my boys do need to see their father.

I do believe my wife still loves me. Her parents have told me, she still "Likes" my family's posts on Facebook, and I simply think it's very hard to lose love for a spouse after 8 years. However, I also believe that she is truly hurting, too. And despite knowing that I am not completely to blame for us being in this situation, knowing how she exaggerated on the Order of Protection to get the boys from me, and knowing about all the bad things she has done, I do know that what matters right now are her feelings. I am completely committed to healing this family but simply have to wait for her.

I do know that I'm being changed for I have seen tangible improvements in my life since my wife left. My relationships with my family, especially with my father, have improved dramatically. My pride has reduced while I have noticed a stronger control of my anger. I also forgave my wife for all the bad things she had done in the past to me (and she had done quite a bit) and have no more anger towards her. I simply, truly want a restoration of our family, but it's so hard to keep a glimmer of hope alive when my wife seems so intent on divorce. However, it hasn't even been three weeks yet, and even though the divorce's waiting period ends in January, I know a lot can change during that time. I just don't know how I can show my wife my changes when she refuses to see or communicate with me due to her wanting a mutual restraining order.