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RJ - Your H is an idiot for leaving someone that is so kind and inspirational as you are. Keep up the good work, you are doing so much. I worry you aren't doing enough for yourself.

You have stated these things you are doing you enjoy and you are growing as a person so that is all anyone can hope to gain from life. So maybe my worries are unfounded. As long as you are happy for yourself, it really doesn't matter what WAS does. Keep up the great solution based attitude and actions. You are so awesome.

Thanks seattle! It's great to be able to share with all the wonderful people on the board. I may be guilty of not doing more for myself. Am increasing that with time. There is tons of stuff to do that's fun, that I like. Need to get to the place where it seems like I don't have enough time again since I am occupied w. different things(this was me pre-bomb time) Think I get so involved especially since I'm into psychology and value R's. To me, it's fun to read books like DR and really figure things out.

Know that PMA is main ingredient for this. Question to successful piecers- who built up friendship to the reconciliation point and beyond.....what was the pace that you experienced with the friendship? Slow and steady? Warmer when you got warmer? Just curious. How many increased 'unavailability' and warmed friendship to gain results?

RJ

You deserve a bump so I'm writing to respond.

I'm guessing the answer to your question is the dance we so much like to call DB. The rollercoaster. It is a non-linear progression. Imagine a whole bunch of loops in a rollercoaster, each intersecting with the last loop. That is how I envision it I guess. Constantly changing, constantly switching, we have to react to it, like jiu jitsu, fluid, like water, organic process, always evolving.

Anyone have any other thoughts for the lady?

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((RJ)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you Seattle! That's so what I need right now....
This board is a lifesaver, that's all I know. Lots of movement in my sitch right now- major rollercoaster. I'll post more later on tonight. In the past week and especially the past 5 days my contact with H has increased dramatically. He is throwing bombs, but also acting majorly close to me. Trying to keep a clear head.. and PMA amidst everything......

Christine, I am using your idea with the thong, btw!!!! H is going to deserve a spanking too if he keeps acting like he feels guilty......

Brief summary--

Since Sunday,
I got the ILYNILY bomb
I got the lets see other people bomb, I'm bored with manogomy

Then, we ML 2 times...
I spent 24 hours with H, spent night at his place and my place
H is helping care for and pay for one of the cats and saying "we" more
H is inviting me over for dinner tonight to "talk about our rental situation" (less than 24 hrs since he last saw me he's inviting me over again)

H admits he's lonely at night, sleeps with a towel.. So I'm pumping up the excitment with ML stuff and wow look at the response I'm getting. H is in for a thong fashion show-- and good thing he has a nice brush!!

So, I'll update later after tonight!

Hi Rj2,

Quote:

---

Since Sunday,
I got the ILYNILY bomb
I got the lets see other people bomb, I'm bored with manogomy

---

The thing that comes to mind here is to remember not to listen to what H says. It sounds to me as if he is REALLY confused, but the ML is a very good sign. I've been reading that men express love through sex. They feel close and connected.

My H showed me very confusing signs right before the "miracle". He was moving closer but telling me that he was leaving all at the same time. About 30 mins after the first post-bomb ML he said that he was still planning on moving. I believe that there is a transition period where they are moving back towards us but they still have to cling to their D ideas until they finally give in.

As for the thong, a male friend of mine said that he believes that the single-most effective thing that I did was to wear a thong around the house. My H never mentioned it or even seemed to give me a second glance, but in retrospect, I think it did have an impact on him. As for the brush, I think that it is important to have fun with H. Isn't that what an A is all about? I have decided that I will be H's lover and act as if I am the OW. If your H is bored with monogamy, then you need to spice things up and be the OW. My suggestion is to act as if you two are having a secret romance. Bottom line, whether you wear a thong or use the back of a hairbrush, you have to do things that are different, exciting and fun.

Let us know how things are progressing.

Christine

WORD on the thong. Why don't all women just wear thongs?

Because some of us remember the days before Stayfree maxi pads--the ones with adhesive.

The primitive version of the thong was the Kotex sanitary belt--AND IT SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!

But those of you who didn't grow up digging the elastic out of your butt.... good for you!

I'm finding the thong and variations thereof to be a lot of fun (see my thread for current variation). Trust me, women, you don't need a Victoria's Secret body!

Christine

LADIES- THE THONG HAS CREATED THE BEGINNING OF THE MIRACLE FOR ME!!! Wow, we've created our own version of DB I think!

Ok- I have had a major turn in my sitch...

H invited me to come back home tonight!!!...since my lease is ending- as a "roommate" for now, but also as a trial period to see if things could work out for us... This is HUGE

I move back in April 1. There was still alien junk talk but also a bunch of other good signs. I go over to H's tonight for our "chat/dinner" thing and H initiates huge R talk basically. Is babbling brook about tons of his issues with M.. I validated amazingly. I made him feel understood and accepted and I really think he started to believe the "new me" who has changed her ways to give him tons of space and allowing him to be free and not have to worry about making me mad,etc... Then we ML for good long time and hey Christine!, the thong and brush are making the breakthrough for me too!!! HAHAHA!!!!!

Here are more good signs from the convo
-H loves me
-H is "not sure" and this is a trial period (majorly coming around, right- allowing a trial period)
-H misses my hugs and cuddles, no one else can give him that the way I do- I'm special
-H was worried to death about me on Sunday when I had my run in with health/alcohol- this was a turning point in his mind apparently realizing how much he cared about me
-So far in this S, H has been able to work through a lot of his own junk and depression and feels better as a person now.
-H feels excited seeing me in new way, like not as a "wife" but as cool, fun chic - I told him to throw the "wife" preconceptions out the window

Alien junk - maybe time and more DB will help this...
- H has thought of us sleeping with other people during this "trial period" He thinks we shouldn't be in each other's faces about it, but would see it as something he thinks may be important to try(Maybe if me and him have sex enough this won't happen, maybe he won't get around to it, haha)

-H isn't sure he would want 100% manogomy - that is one of his probs with M.... mentions that he would like to be able to have one-night stands if he's away on tour and I should be able to have one-night stands then too. LOL. I managed to validate- said I was confused and not sure if I would prefer that, though. This could be alien,, not sure- H has come up with this one only in the last week or so. Then H said that this issue is only 10% of the problem he has with M-and acted like maybe he didn't need extra sex that much- he's not sex monger.
The anti-M was more about feeling like I would be mad and have tons or rules for him to be obligated to- which I validated and took blame for that in past I didn't realize - never meant to make him feel like that and now that's why I respect his space,etc!

-H said that just b/c we are having sex this does not mean we are back together and I should know that is the status, if we continue to have sex for now. He doesn't want to be f-friends, but if I understand this, he's having fun and it's ok we keep it up.

H admitted he's thinking about sex alot since he has been alone and until recently, he hasn't had sex since Jan(with me) Maybe I just need to keep up our excitement in the bedroom dept and this will heal a lot.

So- I am still in shock and realize this is pretty major chance for the M... moving back to my and H's old apartment and all. I am bringing a king sized bed with me! Right now H has a single bunk bed in his studio- hmm what's more appealing, sleeping and cuddling(like he likes) a woman and the cats in a big bed or that silly college dorm top bunk. Won't be long before he's sleeping in bed with me, for sure..... H admitted he missed my cuddles and the cats cuddles and wants them. Alien is transforming- I believe in MIRACLES! Thong miracles, that is!!!!

I must admit, though I am worried about this threat of OW interest and anti-manogomy.. Anyone have advice for me on this? Is it likely alien since it just came up like a week ago??? help.