Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Inside my chrysalis 6

Hey SS. I saw we had a mutual friend in Shining so I thought I'd stop by. Forgive me as I havent read all your threads.

I wanted to tell you what happened when I first got the bomb. I went to a therapist and I squeezed myself as far into the corner of her couch. I said, "My h wants to leave me and it is all my fault. I am a terrible wife. I dont blame him."

She looked at me and said, "Wow, you think you have that much power? You think that you could singlehandedly end a long time marriage all on your own?"

She was right. I didnt have that kind of power. There are two people in a marriage, S.

So, the important thing is to own only your own stuff. Leave him to his. In the beginning, we tend to take all the blame. Often its what we know to do.

Look at the things he has said carefully, and really determine which ones have merit. Work on changing those if you want to.

You have to make these changes for you, though, or he will see right through it. Trust me on that. You have to want to become the person you were meant to be.

I know that this all seems counterintuitive to what you think you should do. In your mind, letting him go means him going further away. But that isnt so.

Lovingly letting him go says that you hear him. You hear that he is unhappy and doesnt want to be married. You dont have to agree to it, but, you do have to hear it.

Because trying to hold on, causes him to want to run harder. Picture someone holding onto someones pants leg. They shake to get them off. The person holds on tighter and that causes them to want to shake harder and on and on it goes.

The way to honor your marriage is to allow him to walk this journey. That says that you love him so much you understand his need to do this. YOu want him to be happy and whole even if it means without you right now.

It means you put your marriage safely in a box for now. And then you begin your own journey.

I know you want to be with your daughter as much as you can. But remember you want to hear him. You want to give him space and time to work through what he needs to. He cant move forward, looking over his shoulder at you.

This isnt for the faint of heart. Its a marathon, not a sprint. So, its best to dig in and get to gettin.

I know its scary, the thought that you are going to detach. You want to hold on for fear he will go further away.

But this is what he needs to do right now.

This is an amazing opportunity for you to find you, to figure out who you want to be.

You will be ok, S. You just have to learn to believe in you.

What a great post from Shining.

And what a lot of friends you have Ss. Lovely lovely people.

I also think pulling back a bit would do you good. Add a bit of mystery and let you do something for yourself.

I'm liking the sound of NorCal too. Do they take in Old Dogs?

uR and Old Dog and everyone, thank you so much for stopping by.

I was so low I can't imagine being lower. Seriously.

UR and Shining, I want to let him to to do his journey. I do. I just hold on because I'm pretty sure he's not coming back but the reality is, me holding onto him doesn't really keep him here, right? He's a grown man.

While I was at work folding my 90th pair of navy blue chinos I thought (negatively) about how this is a depiction of my fall from grace. My retail demise. About 4 minutes later I got a call from the place I submitted my resume to in Northern California. Nothing exciting, just them calling to say they'd received my docs. Good to know, I guess. Tiny steps.

Anyway, back to letting go...

I'm trying. Detachment isn't what I'm known for. Is anyone known for detachment? Anyway...

I'm trying to focus on self-care. Not self-indulgence, self-care. I'm trying to be forgiving of myself and accept that I have limits to my perfection (lol). Tonight D had mcdonalds for dinner and there isn't a bite of real food in the house except for two carrots. Gah. But you know what? It's ok. It's one night. I'll hit the store tomorrow. I don't have to be super mom through all this, too.

Self-acceptance. One step at a time.

Oh and I refrained from scoffing loudly when H texted me that he REALLY missed our daughter tonight. Of course I wanted to say, "you did this to yourself, idiot" but I obviously did not and never would (I usually scoff instead) and this time I didn't even scoff.

Now I need to really start evaluating whether a move to northern California would be 100% for D and I if I got this job or if it would e a secret attempt at sticking H's nose in his own chit. I really need to look at my motives here because it's too huge and too important for me and D not to.

Plus, he said he'd be fine if I moved up north with D. Seemed thrilled by the notion. Do I need to get that in writing? I don't think he'd accuse me of kidnapping but I also never thought he'd leave his family and make me the scape goat for all the worlds problems. We have nothing legal or official filed. What do you think?

"I'm trying to focus on self-care. Not self-indulgence, self-care. I'm trying to be forgiving of myself and accept that I have limits to my perfection (lol). Tonight D had mcdonalds for dinner and there isn't a bite of real food in the house except for two carrots. Gah. But you know what? It's ok. It's one night. I'll hit the store tomorrow. I don't have to be super mom through all this, too."

I need to print this and read it over and over a few times. Man, I will beat myself up on this exact thing often.

I like the part about looking at your motives. Your D needs her Dad in her life.

How did you get the impression that he would be thrilled with you moving to NoCal? He still seems deep in his fog and is very erratic with this thoughts and emotions. He has been hanging out with you and D a lot, says he misses D after one night. Yet he's okay with D moving several hours away?

Try your best to get to a peaceful, detached place and think through all of the implications with that move.

Card, right?

Yes, I mentioned the job in NorCal, he encouraged me to apply. He even said something about how the universe is clearly encouraging me to move up there, too. I said, "you'd be ok with me taking D up there?" His response? "Absolutely! The schools up there are great, I think she'd love it up there".

Uh, ok.

He really is all over the place. This isn't all that new, he's a scattered guy typically but he would never see the merit in it or look inwardly to see there's no logic in all this. It's illogical for me to expect that there would be, too.

He sees himself as very grounded and logical. He claims to think everything through very thoroughly (I'll bet, he wanted a divorce a full year before informing me, now THAT is thinking it through). I often criticized him for not thinking things through very well or taking preventative/anticipatory action. Then, when things would crumble around his ankles, he'd complain that everyone is out to get him but never consider that maybe he didn't think it out well enough. Whatever...

I do need to think about this move more carefully.

Labug, of course you're right. She needs her daddy. The reality is, even prior to BD he was rarely around because he was escaping to work even when he didn't have work. When he does, all bets are off, he is genuinely not around and frequently sleeps at the studio. She sees him now on Wednesdays and every other weekend (and all the other times he's over these days) and that is A LOT more than he saw her prior to BD. Prior to BD he didn't even call to say goodnight to her, he'd go weeks without seeing her for more than 15 minutes before school and he'd be yelling or critical of her during that time. Of course, he now claims all of that was my fault.

He also claimed that he's 100 lbs overweight because of me... But has only gained weight since he moved out.

I'm tired of everything being my fault.

His cholesterol was high - my fault,

Overweight? My fault.

Poor relationship with D? My fault.

Not where he wants to be in his career? My fault.

PTSD? I did that.

Yeah, it's all my fault.

Anyway, I've applied for many other positions near here and only one in NorCal. We'll see how things go.

Hi Ss, I agree that moving to Nor Cal would probably add complications between your D and her father. And I think it is interesting that you mentioned it to him and he seemed cool with it. Shows he is in the fog, doesn't it?

Just keep on with your good, strong attitude and see how this all plays out!

Hugs, Lisa

Mindboggling.

I know a couple that D, they have 5 kids together. She then had a 6th with a BF, who has long since gone. XH moved two hours away.She decided that she couldn't raise them all by herself, gave them to dad full-time and moved overseas.

I don't understand either of those parents, especially mom. I can't imagine. If I couldn't afford 6 kids, I'd let them live with dad, and take a job down the street from them making fries just to see them on a regular basis.

And SS, it's time for lunch here. I'm pretty sure that's your fault somehow.

Ss - Kids do need their dad. That being said - LA is a short, cheap Southwest flight away.

If this possibility comes to pass - you should give all factors long and thoughtful consideration - I'm just saying you could probably maintain every other weekend and some extended school holidays with her Dad.

I'm very happy to hear your job prospects are looking up!