Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD

I specifically read anything 25yearsmlc posts. Other women's threads I have not specifically sought out, but I should. Sometimes it is hard to figure out which threads are posted by women as some protect their identity very well. I will go and educate myself.

The timeline thing is where I need to breath and practice patience. I like to move too quickly sometimes and slower than she likes at other times.

She did list a couple things about when she wants to feel taken care of. I will have to put pen to paper and get deep with this.

I did reschedule my appointment from Wednesday to Tuesday because the W comes back from her work trip on Wednesday afternoon and I want to talk with my coach before she comes back. Get some more advice on my situation.

Thanks for the help, everyone.

I forgot, one thing she told me was that she went to see a councilor in April and that she was told that people never change.

WTF is that about? Blew my mind when she told me, wow I was mad.

I would hope to think that a professional would understand that people do have the capacity to change, if the WANT to change.

I think every piece of self help I have read reinforces our ability to change.

I'm still dumbfounded by what she was told.

Why are you so mad about her out of context interpretation of what a C said?

I think your W has made it very clear she doesn't think you can change so everything is going to be seen through that bias. Decide who you want to be, make your changes and make them to the core of your being.

You can do this, don't let little things trip you up.

I wasn't mad at my W, I was mad that someone would be providing this information to someone.

It has motivated me even more about changing into who I want to be and changing at the core like you said. I know I can change, I have changed quite a bit about myself. My W even noticed this.

I still have work to do, but I will not let this opinion sway me from my goals/changes.

One thing in my life I have issues with is letting small details overwhelm me and get me to a point of stagnation when doing projects or working on things. I let the details frustrate me and find reasons not to do things, instead of keeping my eyes on my goal and attacking the obstacles as they come.

Still need work for it to be natural, but I am noticing when it happens and self motivating to keep working towards my goals, end or projects, etc. I always start things with a huge head of steam and then my actions/motivation slowly peter out to where things just sit there half or three quarters finished. These projects create stress in my life and I am trying to work through these issues.

I read a couple of great quotes from Henry Ford that I love and can apply to many areas of my life.

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."

"If you always do what you've always done, you always get what you've always got"

"Don't find fault, find a remedy."

W just sent me a picture of a list showing pros, cons, and wants for her in our relationship. She said she wants me to send her my list with the same things and want to talk about it on Wednesday.

She also said her list wasn't meant to be hurtful, she was just trying to sort things out and communicate; and that she knows the cons list is longer but she was just freely writing.

I think this could be a positive step forward for us as this is something we have never done in years, especially the wants list. Our lives are so much more complicated now than they were before kids and two professional careers that we really need to do this.

Now to get some paper and start digging deep into my list.

I didn't think you were mad at your W, it just sseemed like a lot of emotion for a second hand, out or context comment. But it spurred you, didn't it? As Mach says, use your anger as a shield not a sword. Gird your loins with and get to work.

Ummmmmm what was on your W's list?

Spill it!

Here is the wife's list. She said she was just free writing, not purposely trying to make Cons list longer. Some issues had started to be remedied but as she said we had some triggers that had her revert back a couple months to a lot of her older feelings from when we first separated.

I do not see anything that would be a deal breaker to me. Her want list and my want list are very similar and would help us work through a lot of the cons on our lists.

PROS
kids/family
stable
talk/conversation
trying
knows me (kinda)
safe
know him (kinda)
no divorce stigma
not alone
still care
had good times too

CONS
money issues
intimacy issues
past 10 years
projects
no consistency
trust issues
home town forever
love my own house
don't know if I can live with him
can I forgive all?
miss family & friends
so angry & sad
last name back
everything a battle
10 months apart
I know I can move on
hate splitting holidays
could move someday

WANT
equal input, output, shared
romance
fun
socialness
freedom
space
dream
not be alone
not be controlled
my wants, likes, preferences valued
to be in love, feel love
not compromise on all - I want to win a few

Feeling a little anxious and nervous right now about talking with the W about our lists.

My DB coach gave me some good tips and seems optimistic as well.

Just trying to settle my nerves and not get too excited or worried. Just need to relax and go with the flow right now.

Updating my situation. We talked about the lists and she just seems like she wants us to get back together but does not know how to do it.

We discussed some particular issues and talked about how some have not been addressed, others needed to be looked at again because we are in a very different place in our lives with work and money etc.

I talked about how I support her and her future and the possibility of moving away from our current town so she can pursue her dreams.

We had a nice evening the day before and on Halloween. Spent time with the kids and together and it was enjoyable. I spent the night on Halloween.

She left early the next morning to pick up family from the airport and left me a honey do list. I was happy about it because I told her that was something I really enjoyed.

We were going to go on a private date that night but she asked if we could go with her parents and relatives as a big group and we had a nice dinner together. We went back to her place and cuddled in bed and fell asleep together.

Sunday I worked on my house and she went to work. She was running behind and so I prepared dinner at her house and let her play with the kids while I cleaned up the kitchen. She does not really get any fun time with the kids, so it was my goal to give her the time to do her work and the time to play with the kids.

Monday she had a late meeting so I cooked dinner at her house and did not plan to stay the night, but she fell sick after dinner and our youngest was having a bad evening. I stayed the night and got up off and on all night with the kids so she could try and get some rest and feel better.

Last night I went to my house and worked on it while she taught late.

During our talk last week I mentioned that there was a 7 week fondness exercise that we could try that was supposed to bring us closer together. She agreed she would try it so we started on Monday.

Monday we shared our thoughts about each other as per the question we were supposed to think about. It went well, no big issue.

Last night I sent a text about remembering a special/romantic time we shared. She sent a message back saying that she can't do this. When she was remembering times like that they were all created by her and she was angry now thinking how I had not contributed. Not really what the exercises were supposed to do, but I can see where she is coming from and why that would make her mad.

She came over this morning and to get the boys so I could go to work. She seemed alright, didn't talk about anything much as I had to leave right when she got there.

We are supposed to have an evening together with her relatives tonight and then on Friday we are supposed take them out of town and then back to the airport on Saturday.

I tried to remain calm last night and not be so scared of the anger she was feeling. Trying to disconnect from her feelings and keep myself happy. I was not perfect at it, but better than I have been in the past.

I think she wants to move fairly fast or have a plan about us coming together and it seems like the fondness exercises were a tunnel without any cheese. Maybe she is feeling pressured by it, I don't know.

When discussing this coming week she asked "so are you moving in again" and I said that it was up to her. I said when we get the house to a point that is ready to sell we can reevaluate where we are and if we are ready for it.

i forget, is she seeing an IC? reading through your sitch it seems like every time you make progress, she throws something at you from your past behavior. unless you are leaving a lot out (and your posts seem very thorough, and you seem very sincere), it seems like you have made a lot of very overt efforts to put your past behind you. she seems to be clinging very hard. i dont know how you can address that exactly but it seems like work that she needs to do.