Our relationship has improved but there is still the OM. I snooped a bit and realized things still going on secrecy. I am having trouble on how to stand on these. I am keeping all her actions deep down to save the marriage. Many of the MidCrisis articles talk about how to beat these. And as Michelle says if I draw the line, the odds are she will be defensive again. Haven't done that for a year. I had been refraining from snooping. Couldnt resist this time. Probably not here for advice but someone to talk to. I had spoken a year ago to a friend but stopped after the books articles I have read. How long more? My patience is there still.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
What do you do when you see lies and cover ups? I have been ignoring and trying to be patient. I am trying turn toward her rather than away but I can't believe how somebody I trusted is playing behind my back.
As Michelle says, if I draw the line, I can't see recovery.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
No response from the group just means it takes time for everyone to see your post and catch up on your thread. I'll admit, it is discouraging whenever a newcomer just stops after just a few posts. So, please stick with us this time, okay?
I think MWD is talking about ultimatums, when she says drawing the line. We encourage setting boundaries. Cadet sent a link, if you will read it, you'll see there is a difference in boundaries and ultimatums. Boundaries are for you and to protect you. It is not to control the other person.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No response from the group probably means I will have to continue with Limbo.
How to get more people to POST on my thread?
To get more replies my suggestion is to ask questions. Put you post down in a readable fashion. (not one big block of type- ie hit carriage return frequently). KISS = Keep it simple stupid Post on other peoples threads and give them support. You may not think you are qualified but you will be surprised that you may know something or have some knowledge of something that others know nothing about. Personally thank each poster that does post on your thread or ask them a follow up question.
Actually, you should be turning away from her to focus on yourself and your life and your kids. As Sandi said, there is no real connection possible as long as she is pursuing another man. In order to get through this, you have to let her go, emotionally, for now...and understand that no matter what happens, that's the healthy choice for you anyway.
Quote:
How can I go to my wife and say "Why are you chatting with OM secretly?"
You don't, bro. You stop pursuing her in any way. You carry on with your life in the household and do the things to keep life going for yourself and your daughters that you need to do. And you find ways to make your life and yourself better for you and the kids.
If she wants to get close to you, if she questions you why you do not draw close to her, you might say something like, "I will not participate in an open marriage. I do not want a divorce, but as long as you're involved with another man I think it best we keep things friendly for the kids but that's about all I will do as long as you are pursuing a relationship with someone else."
Hi. Im new here too and our situations are similar. The lies when they are still with the op. Im sorry about your pain. I will say that you are better than I am since you have known yet not said anything to her for a year. That haa got to be so hard.
Good luck to you
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
I think you are confusing some of the DB principles of acting as if nothing is happening, with being a doormat If you know she is cheating on you, you need to make it clear that you know that she is, and that you won't be second place. Acting like nothing is happening is AFTER you get all of that in the open. It's about pretending you know you are worth more than being second, even if you don't feel like you are...
That, is acting as if.
How long do you intend on living with someone who is actively with someone else while you pretend nothing is happening? This is not healthy for you.
Also, setting boundaries is not about boundaries for HER. So you don't ask her why are you chatting to OM?
The boundary is something that YOU will not cross...
For example: As long as you are chatting with OM, I refuse to be a part of this marriage.
Also the consequence: if you continue to choose to behave in this way, I will have no choice but to separate from you.
Do not use threats. You are not threatening her, you are telling her what you will not stand for in YOUR life, not hers. This is not a threat this is a boundary. Make sure whatever you state is the consequence of continued bad behavior is something that you will actually do. Not something you are not willing to enforce.
Then you need to have in your mind the consequence of her continuing this behavior. Then you back off and see. If she continues the behavior you immediately move to your intended plan. The one you stated to her. No games.
She is an adult and she knows there are consequences for her actions. Right now she has no need to stop since there is no consequence and she gets to have you and eat her cake (OM).
One year is long enough (too long really) to wait for something to stop. In any case you've waited and it hasn't happened. And if it stops because of natural causes like them having a fight etc there will be OM2 and OM3. Could you put up with this? What is YOUR boundary?
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
