Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Trying to stay patient- part 6

Thanks Card (and others). You bring up some very good points that actually help explain why I feel so conflicted right now. Ironically, I have been praying for a while now that W discovers what all she needs to work on and takes those necessary steps. On the flip side, I obviously wanted that process to involve W finding out that she did want to work on our M. And maybe that will eventually be the case...

Soccer this weekend, school play in a couple weeks, trick or treat...right now I have no desire to do any of those things as 'family' or with W being involved. Maybe in time, but it's difficult for me to ever see someone who has cheated on me, then made a conscious decision not to put the work in to restoring our M, as a friend...

On a side note, I have W's favorite bottle of wine and some chocolate covered strawberries I was planning on giving her on Sweetest Day (had planned/ordered last week when we were still working on things). I've already paid for everything, so going to drop off at W's place (anonymously). One last good will action.

Or drink the wine and share the treats with your kids.

^^^This would be my choice^^^

i third that. your plan is not going to have the affect you want it to.

No plan associated with it at all. In fact, I was half tempted to eat the strawberries and put the remains back in the box

Or......you could always do it my way.

You're about to do it again with the strawberries and the wine! Keep it all for yourself. Invite a friend to drink and eat it all after the kids are in bed. Don't make yet another exception to the DB principles. You'll lament that it didn't work out as expected. Of course you hope she'll think of you. If you really want to have no impact, be honest and keep it.

ME, ME, ME!!! I want those delicious strawberries!....elbowing everyone here outta the way...It's a date then, Tar.

Joking aside, I find it incredible that your W left the door open just a crack to the possibility of getting back together. She's operating from an emotional plane that is clouding her perspective on many things so she feels the need to step back and make a clean break from you.

Have you thought about drafting a response to your W using validation techniques (hint, hint)??

The main thing is to ride the waves of the pain and let it wash over you. If you feel the need to step away from "family" activities, do so for your own well being. At some point, you'll get to the place where you will be able to attend your children's events.

Take your time, buddy.

Thanks Wonka, but I owe you (and so many others) a lot more than some chocolate covered strawberries!!

A couple of observations from today...
1. Maybe because W's email wasn't totally unexpected, but if I would have received that same email 3, 4, 8 mos ago, my heart would have dropped to my stomach. Don't get me wrong, I'm upset/disappointed, but I've not shed a tear (even reviewing the sitch in MC today). That mean I'm detached? More confident in being on my own? Not in love anymore??

2. Part of me is 'happy' that W finally is taking time to work on herself. Yeah, it hurts that we're likely headed towards D, but I realize that her actions are necessary should we have any hope of getting back together down the road. Maybe I need a 'fresh start' too??

3. Everything is still fresh, but I'm back and forth on how to treat/interact with W going forward. My instant, gut, hurt reaction is that I don't want to speak to her. I don't want to be around her. I'm perfectly fine ending that friendship because of all the hurt I've been through. However, I also realize that IF I do want any chance of reconnecting with W down the road, a perfect opportunity lies ahead of me (starting with that response you mentioned). I'll need some time to process...

Speak with your actions. No need to tell her that you don't want to speak to her, see her, be her friend. In your communications, just be short, to the point, elusive. If you attend an event together, treat her like a neighbor: courteous, yet a stranger. This way, you get the distance you need from her and you don't burn any bridges.