My son was the same. Kept it all in. I worried, too. A lot. He didnt like to talk about his dad or the sitch. Refused to go talk to someone.
I let him know I was there to talk whenever he wanted. Everyone deals in their own way. I think as long as she knows you are there, it's really all you could do right now. I know you are keeping a close eye on her.
It's a tough, tough age to go through all of this. Not that it isnt at any age.
It is so hard to see our children suffer...especially as a result of actions from their other parent. It just isnt how it is supposed to be.
She will be ok, M. She has you for her mother and you are pretty amazing.
Perfect example of what a roller coaster this is. Even when you are detached. I have been doing well. Today I felt free and independent. Then I had a little wine. I just had some feelings I haven't felt in forever. OMG, what is wrong with me? I just felt like xh should be here with me. Not there. I wanted to text him that, like he would be receptive. I know, I know... so crazy and out of whack.
Here is the weird thing... I just felt like he was feeling it. Is that weird? Does he think about me? No, I know that. He is still saying how unhappy he was with me. I am crazy, I know.
I got it out and it has passed. Over it. Really. Hhhuuuu..
Upward and onward.
Just when I have made so much progress.... that came out of nowhere... after ssssooooooo long from having those feelings. Darn you, chardonnay!
Shining... thanks. You crack me up. And that darn wine... geesh! Yeah, today was different. I had a million feelings in like 5 minutes. Mostly, I hated him today. I don't like that either. But I want to feel it so I can get to a better place- for me!
Hope- I just got your 3 posts. You are awesome! You are right about the son & xh sitch. XH really does not have enough power or control to do anything. And it turns out, s took the opportunity to give xh a piece of his mind. I should not underestimate s17. I think he knew he was angry and wanted to really place it at a necessary source. He told me a little, but likes to keep those conversations a little to himself.
XH really has no control over anything that goes on with the kids. Shining asked what the custody papers say: well xh didn't ask for anything as far a custody. Nothing. The papers say joint, with kids living with me primarily, and that the kids are allowed to see their dad. It is basically up to them, if they want to see him or not. I asked the kids a head of time, and they said they wanted to be with me. So I never really pushed. XH lived in fantasy world. The only time he mentioned anything is when he was mad about child support. He said, well s17 will be 18 soon and I won't have to pay for him and d13 will want to come live with me. Say what? Um... no she definitely won't and child support is until they are 21, ya loon.
So thanks, Hope, for your compliments on my interactions w xh. It started from me going dark after nuke. I didn't know how to respond or what to say. I understand what they mean about going dark for YOU! Then it got to the point where I didn't know how to respond, so I would think about it. Then I realized that for the most part, I don't need to respond! Every time I became stronger and stronger. It feels really good. And I see that he keeps trying to get something from me... but in a very weak way. He does not have the real strength or courage to put forth real effort into anything. I don't necessarily mean r, but anything with me or the kids.
I know he is looking at me like what the heck?! He was my kryptonite. He made me weak. I would have gone to the end of the earth and back for him and he knew it. Now, I know he is looking at me like, "Who is this?"
Maybe he isn't, but it is nice to pretend!
So glad I didn't send a drunk text! Haha! I would never! At least I hope not. If I did, I would go cell phone free for eternity.
Haha, Hope! No worries... first off.. I wasn't drunk. I guess I should have clarified that. I don't need anymore rumors on here about me than there already are.
I don't listen to country music, but I bet you are right! I bet we could start a new thread and all contribute to some amazing lyrics for a country song. That would be entertaining.
So, 2B's post (ha- I originally typed "2B's lyrics"!) got some emotions going in me. I definitely have put that issue (different sitch, but close enough) on the backburner. Trying to avoid it altogether.
Don't know why, but I've been having crazy rollercoaster emotions the past few days.
LOL. When I was on the roller coaster, I gave up drinking. I don't drink much as it is (cheap date - inherited that) but it had a way of bringing out emotions in a bad way. I waited a while before drinking or listening to country songs
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Even though I listen to her vent about her dad, which is very seldom, because she really acts like he does not exist, I don't let her say disrespectful things. It does feel good to take the high road. Even though I cut loose when the kids aren't around.
Can I suggest something? Your daughter may be expressing her anger and "testing" you when she does. Remember that she is protective of you and what happened. Her way of dealing with it, right now, is to be angry and to express that. While you don't want to interfere, she won't understand you keeping her from bad-mouthing her dad in the way you intended. Or may not would be a better way to put that.
Open and honest communication would be something to try. Maybe ask why she says that vs. telling her not to talk that way. Or maybe telling her that talking about her father like that is not a good thing, care to talk about what you're feeling?
The idea would be to open the door for her to express her feelings, safely with you, so you can help guide her.
Just a thought. It's a fine line, but one that you wouldn't walk for long. She may have a few things to say about your health and upcoming surgery as well. I suspect that its not easy for her to deal with and learn how to deal with at the same time.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
When I was on the roller coaster, I gave up drinking. I don't drink much as it is (cheap date - inherited that) but it had a way of bringing out emotions in a bad way
Yeah, that could be playing with fire. I didn't either for a very long time. I know it not good to admit, but I did it a few times the past 2 weeks. My anxiety was so high the week my friend passes, among other things. I could not settle my insides at all. Or sleep for that matter. I'm not proud to say that I did have a couple to help me chill out. It did work, but it is not my style.
Having that happen over the weekend was eye opening as to the risk! My anxiety is down. I can chill now.
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It does feel good to take the high road. Even though I cut loose when the kids aren't around.
I want to clarify this. I don't "cut loose" when the kids are around. By that, I mean, I come here and express my feelings. Things I don't discuss with the kids. I really don't "bad mouth" xh. I speak the truth as I see it here. Vent. I'm not really into the whole bashing around town. Although I do want people to see them for who they are- they are doing that on their own. Not my job.
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Can I suggest something? Your daughter may be expressing her anger and "testing" you when she does. Remember that she is protective of you and what happened. Her way of dealing with it, right now, is to be angry and to express that. While you don't want to interfere, she won't understand you keeping her from bad-mouthing her dad in the way you intended. Or may not would be a better way to put that.
Please suggest away!! You are right. I do need to get her to express this anger in a more productive way. It is my job to show her that and teach her how. Thank you for pointing that out to me. She does not like to "talk" about it. She does tell me some things, when she gets really annoyed. I try to stay so neutral. It can be difficult. But yes, she is definitely expressing some anger when making comments. I guess I was thinking that by telling her not to talk like that, I was letting her know she does not have to on my account. Good call, AJ.
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She may have a few things to say about your health and upcoming surgery as well. I suspect that its not easy for her to deal with and learn how to deal with at the same time.
This ^^^^ I have not addressed yet. I would love to use it as a teachable moment with my son, but I don't really know that it's appropriate. I don't know what to do. I think they would be pretty upset. It is reality, but I don't know. I haven't said anything, really. I was just going to kind of play it off and leave it as "girl stuff", but I think d will ask questions about that. I think I am going to have to have my s drop me off and pick me up after surgery. Again... it's been on the backburner. I need to figure it out.
