Bright, Ss, shining & kml.... Weird, huh? Ok, so it's not just me who sees that as bizarre-o. Kml, I don't think he was drunk bc it started at the time he gets out if work. I guess anything is a possibility.
Xh texted me this morning, "what is s17's problem?"
Ummmmm..... Should I count the ways??
I don't know... Leave it to them? Maybe just a, s17 had a great week. Sorry if things aren't going well with you two.
Not a easy way to respond and stay out of the R between father and son.
Maybe respond that things will get better with time and understanding, that they both are dealing with life issues...
Or just ignore his text.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Why would you even respond at all? Do you think your xh doesn't already know what's going on with his son? That his son doesn't want to be pestered? And if you do respond telling him anything, aren't you devaluing your son's trust in you?
At most, and I don't see why you would respond, you could just tell him that's between him and his son. But I wouldn't even respond. Silence sends the same message.
Quote:
I am feeling the distance with xh. Maybe I am accepting that he is happy and really committed to this new life. At first, I thought that he had made an impulsive decision and that he would quickly regret it. Well... I don't know either way. But, I guess for my own sanity, I have to realize that he may truly be happy. Honestly, I don't know how he could be. He did tell me, during one of our 2 "talks" since nuke that he is not happy about sitch with kids (several times). When I pressed, "No, xh, are you happy with your life outside of the kids?" He said, "Yeah, I'm happy." Now, it was not convincing. Maybe because he wasn't, maybe it was hard to admit to me, maybe he hasn't thought about it. I don't know. I just have to assume he is. How anyone can be who did this to their family, well... if he could be after doing this, well, that just reinforces that it someone I don't want to be with.
Can I just tell you that you need to stop mind-reading?
If not, I can also tell you that about a year ago, after a lot of harassment etc from ex and her husband, my ex decided to tell me how happy she is. It was something she said she was leaving for - she felt she deserved to be happy and that I deserved somebody better than her etc (normal for this boards, right?) I don't know about you, but I rarely have people explain to me that they are happy. Especially when I try not to talk to them.
Don't mind read. You won't get it right. But you will be able to notice, a long time from now, what's real and what isn't. Your perspective will let you know.
More importantly is how you feel and how things are going with you and the kids.
Let the rest go by the wayside
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Ggrass & 2B, thanks for your input. I am an idiot.
AJ, You are right. I know the mindreading, right?! I try not to and try so hard to focus on myself. There is just this big elephant in the room. I just really wonder if he is glad that he left his family to start a new one. I know, I know... I am working on it. For the most part, I'm OK, but there is this constant dull buzzing in my brain, or heart, or stomach, or somewhere that just makes me feel like I need something. I know I won't get it, but I just need to know. Maybe I don't "need" to know, but... well... I can't explain it. Do I need it to validate me? So I can accept something and move on?
Well, enter the 2x4 here. I didn't read this until it was too late. I did respond. Here is the course of communication:
xh: What's s17 problem?
xh: What did you say to s17? He went from having a good time to telling me f you, you're getting blocked.. He was telling me that you're his mom but you're a b!t<h that loves drama. he also said that his counselor thinks you're crazy too... If you said something to s17 to strain our relationship even more I need to know.
(Then I got an email stating that a text was sent and to please respond)
I finally responded
me: s17 had a great week. I don't get involved in your relationships. I stay out of the drama, actually. you strained your relationship with him. That's not my deal. Whatever he needs to tell his counselor to feel better, that's fine with me. This situation is more than anyone should have to deal with. He cycles through different emotions at different times. Normal for an abnormal situation. Glad he had a good time with you. Sorry, but I am busy at work.
xh: Did you say anything to him for him to not respond for a couple of days?
me: No. I didn't know that.
xh: He was on his phone late last night around 11PM. I can only assume that he is having issues again with [girlfriend].
me: No. They are good. I know he was on the phone. Really, he had a great week. Sorry, but I've got to work.
xh: He would never talk to me like that unless you said something.
me: What do you think I would have said?
xh: Good question Mighty. He told me you got upset that he called me that night to pick him up.
me: No. I was upset with him bc he (XXX) and was not supposed to go anywhere. He called you to try to upset me. Didn't work. Like I said, I don't deal w the drama. This is not my problem. I'm out.
xh: OK. Well I'm not going to allow him to talk to me with disrespect or have a $h!tty attitude with me. I told him his mouth su<ks, his attitude su<ks and he needs to grow up. I know he treats you like $h!t and that's up to you if you choose not to share with me.. I'm done with it...
Now...
xh: Look at s17's attendance for today.
me: I know I talked to him a little bit ago.
xh: and?
me; He left. I heard a bunch of people went to Denny's, but I don't know if he did or not. I couldn't talk at the time, so I checked his whereabouts. He was at home. I told him we'd talk when I got home. He reminded me he has practice and will talk tonight.
xh: Ok
First off, I know. I said I was busy but continued to respond. That was not good. I did wait a while in between, though. I did feel like I needed to respond, I guess.
Especially with attendance. I guess I feel like I have to prove that I am a good mom and that I'm handling things.
As you walked away from the exchange, what's your thoughts?
All in all, there were some accusations (on both sides) and otherwise an exchange of information.
Do you feel like you should have continued the conversation after telling him you had to go?
Do you feel like you accomplished anything explaining yourself (about the phone call etc?)
Do you feel like you need to prove something to xh? If so, why? What's really at the heart of that? Where is that feeling coming from?
To me, that last one is the most important. Why? Because it's the key to the rest. Figure out why you feel you need to prove anything to him or why you feel you owe him anything, and you'll know what you need to deal with directly. At least one thing, right?
This isn't about him. No clue-by-fours. Just something you may want to deal with that will help set you free.
A friendly pointer from somebody who walked that walk. For too long if I may say so about myself.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I am feeling the distance with xh. Maybe I am accepting that he is happy and really committed to this new life. At first, I thought that he had made an impulsive decision and that he would quickly regret it. Well... I don't know either way. But, I guess for my own sanity, I have to realize that he may truly be happy.
Mighty, I've been doing this today and it's not serving me well. Lost in:
"What if he is really happy in his new life?"
"Maybe, he was right to leave me."
"Maybe, I had it coming? Maybe, I wasn't what he needed?"
Anyway...bottom line: It's none of my business at this point. He made a decision to leave his family and he needs to live with it, one way or another. Losing myself in the what-ifs and woulda, coulda, shoulda and all the other mind-reading isn't going to do a damn thing for me.
Personally, I don't see how someone can do so much damage and, then, walk away and be happy. I see my dad, who walked away and did the same thing...he ended up with a Ferrari and all kinds of money and I wouldn't say that he is content with himself in a way that I would want for myself.
Old Sins Cast Long Shadows...Leave that for your XH to figure out on his own.
Wow, I needed to hear that myself today.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Hey Mighty. First of all, you need to cut yourself some slack. This is tough stuff you are dealing with here. I am sorry that the baby coming is stirring up some emotions. I cannot imagine how hard that is for all of you.
Ok, so, yea, the exchanges with him...that just makes you go round and round, right? So stop those.
I have the reputation of having one of the craziest MLCers around here. Yea, lucky me...I won a prize. LOL! One day I have to try and find some of the convos he and I have had. It would make your head spin.
What I learned is to not engage...at all..in his nonsense texts. Still til this day he tries to pull me in.. and he doesnt get to. Well, unless of course I am in the mood to have some fun...hee hee.
My son was 16 when this all went down. Not a fun age without a cazy MLCer thrown in there.
But their relationship is theirs to forge. I told my xh that once and I kept to it unless there was an extremely serious issue that needed discussing.
He has access to your son's school info. If he wants to talk to son about it, he can have at it. He doesnt need your input or approval.
Now about that mindreading....doesnt serve you well, right?
Trust me when I tell you that it isnt all rainbows and butterflies in his life. How could it be? He is in crisis, with a baby on the way, with a women who clearly doesnt have a clue.
But it doesnt matter, Mighty. He is a mess. You dont want to be near the fallout.
You do need to look at the question about why you feel you want to prove something to your xh. Dig deep there.
Let your kids know it is safe to talk with you. Let him blow in the wind. Take care of you.
As you walked away from the exchange, what's your thoughts?
I feel like xh was all over the place. I don't know if that's a sign of his mind spinning or he is looking for any reason to deflect. He went from what's his problem; telling me s17 was talking about me; what did I say to s17 to make him mad at xh; s17 on the phone late and assuming problems with s17 girlfriend; me being upset that xh picked him up the other night; attendance
But the point is, I engaged. I answered all of it. I did not feel that I got sucked into the emotional part of it. I think my responses were clear. This I felt good about. I have done very well at not getting sucked in. I have been very proud of myself, and feel that has been one of my biggest areas of growth. So, why did I do it this time? But, I did not really feel anything walking away from this other than seeing how he is all over the place.
Do you feel like you should have continued the conversation after telling him you had to go?
No. I guess I responded bc I felt I could do it unemotionally. I could see he was trying so put blame on me and I wanted to hold up a mirror to him. I don't think it worked. Oh! I just learned something!
Do you feel like you accomplished anything explaining yourself (about the phone call etc?)
My purpose, I suppose, was to reflect the projection. Unemotionally. I accomplished stating my points unemotionally. However, I doubt the points were taken.
Do you feel like you need to prove something to xh? If so, why? What's really at the heart of that? Where is that feeling coming from? This is tough. I guess when it comes to the real though parts of parenting, like dealing with s17 right now, I am vulnerable. It has been tough, and I feel like I am doing the best I can, but I often question things. I feel like he sees s17's mistakes and passes judgment on me as a parent. I know that seems dumb considering what he did. But maybe bc he is in his new home with his happy family, that it's like him and hww whould be better suited for my kids in a family sitch. That xh feels he could handle the situation better. That xh feels like I am not doing a good enough job. That I am weak. That I'm an idiot. That I'm not a good mom. (OK, now we are getting somewhere)
To me, that last one is the most important. Why? Because it's the key to the rest.
BINGO! OMG! Yes! Because I wasn't a good enough wife. He saw me as not worthy. He had to leave. Now I feel like he views me of not a good enough mom, too. $h!t! That's it! Figure out why you feel you need to prove anything to him or why you feel you owe him anything, and you'll know what you need to deal with directly. At least one thing, right?
