Nothing like a tour of the galaxy in a world class planetarium to put things in perspective, followed by a laser light show to wipe away any other cognitive thoughts from your mind to reset
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I have a 180 success to report. One of my love busters with WAW was getting way too upset when watching sports. I had started to turn it around last year, but this summer totally put sports in perspective. I thought I had changed but wasn't sure until tonight. My team took a brutal loss and I was not even 1% mad. I was disappointed, but I enjoyed the game because it was fantastic. I have D2 and she was excited about whatever was going on at the end, even though she didn't know what was happening. Instead of being mad, I was able to laugh at D2 cheering for the wrong team lol! I can't tell you how impossible that would have been for me in years past. I never thought it would be possible to enjoy watching my team without being crazy upset when something bad happens. I know that's wrong, now!
Whether WAW ever comes back and gets to see this change is irrelevant, because this change was necessary for me.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Great job Card. There's nothing like having the most important relationships in your life torn asunder to give you perspective on how petty all the little annoyances really are. That is a mindset you will carry with you forever! Don't give up, show her that she's worth the fight. I truly believe that is why the WAS leave. Cause we haven't shown them in ALL ways how important they are to us in the day to day.
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
Every WAS is different, but I agree. I believe one of the main failures in most M's is unfulfilled emotional needs, even if the LBS intended to fulfill them. Either we speak the wrong LL, fulfill the wrong ENs (different people have different primary ENs), or we just don't do these things enough (several hours a week, every week). I was completely ignorant of EN's or LL's until after BD and lots of reading, searching and introspection.
My M fell apart due mainly to that and, I believe, a crisis within my WAW after we had a miscarriage in January of this year. I almost wish she left me because of a personality flaw of mine, or something else that I could change and demonstrate. I won't be able to fulfill her ENs completely until she allows me to do so (right now she doesn't want to see or talk to me most of the time). And only she can work through whatever trauma she is going through regarding the miscarriage. I could only support her IF she allowed me to (and right now she's not). So I am trying to:
- Remain positive but detached - Work on things about me that I would want to change whether she came back or not - Preserve my love for her as long as I can, as it's the last strand holding my M together - Keep the road back home paved smooth
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
- Remain positive but detached - Work on things about me that I would want to change whether she came back or not - Preserve my love for her as long as I can, as it's the last strand holding my M together - Keep the road back home paved smooth
I struggle with these these a bit, but I'm working on it. Reading everyone elses threads give me hope, though.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
What do vets think about this: Is selling our house going to make the "road home" rockier for WAW? Keeping it is a very difficult option. She is really pushing for the sale, followed by split finances. So keeping our sitch the same as it is now is not an option. The only way I could afford it on my own is to rent out a bedroom. But it would have to be someone I know and trust because I have a young daughter and no separate guest suite. And I don't know anyone currently looking for an apt.
But if this is going to be a serious road block for a reconciliation, then I would possibly pursue it. My current plan is to move into my mom's basement for 3-4 months after the house sells, just to save some cash and pay off any remaining debts from getting the house ready to sell. Then I'll look for a place of my own.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Nitty, Ive been doing pretty well with GAL but injuries and weather lately have shut a lot of my existing GALs down. I have been doing a salsa class for 1-1/2 months now, and it is the coolest thing. I would love to do it with W someday, but it is all for me now. And I would continue to do it even if she files. Although if you read earlier, that has thrown a little wrench into everything as the super attractive instructor has been more and more flirty. But I'm not contacting her outside of class, so it's not affecting me too much.
Card, don't you just hate it when people comment without fully reading your thread? Haha!
My bad!
It looks like you're doing plenty of GAL. I guess I am just a GAL missionary because it helped me so much.
About the house...
I'm not a vet but this is my gut feeling: do what is right based on what is right for you and your D2, not for your W or for getting back together.
Decide on this as if W had passed away, or if you had been D from your W at least a couple of years already.
That's MHO, take it for what it's worth.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
There is definitly alot of clarity after a crisis. I almost immediately saw all the little things that was effecting me with regards to me life and see how trivial they are when its all gone. I have realized you take the good with the bad and each person just has to work on their own bad. Hind sight is always 20/20 and although I could get stuck in the would have could haves but instead I will use them to make 180's and create new habits making me a better person overall with a PMA that is not dependent on anyone else. It is easier said then done but I am determined.
Me 38 WAW 40 S 10 S 5 M 5 years BD 10/04/14 S 10/04/14
CMS, you have a good perspective. For a while I was kicking myself for not seeing what I see now, but:
A.) the past is the past. No changing it B.) I was never going to see it until something traumatic happened to force me to see clearly C.) Worst-case scenario would be going through this and not changing anything about myself. Either I would end up in the same position in another M or repeat history in this M if WAW comes back. One time is painful enough, thank you
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
CMS, you have a good perspective. For a while I was kicking myself for not seeing what I see now, but:
A.) the past is the past. No changing it B.) I was never going to see it until something traumatic happened to force me to see clearly C.) Worst-case scenario would be going through this and not changing anything about myself. Either I would end up in the same position in another M or repeat history in this M if WAW comes back. One time is painful enough, thank you
I completely agree. It may be easier said then done but it is the path to take for a better future. I at first wasn't sure why I should even have posted on here but now I am glad I did.
Me 38 WAW 40 S 10 S 5 M 5 years BD 10/04/14 S 10/04/14
