Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Raliced - Part Deux

Can you put a regular parenting schedule in place?

It is somewhat in place but because he works in law enforcement it changes constantly (for example - he didn't keep them tonight because of a meeting in the morning) - He gets them one night a week (its a lengthy commute to where he has chosen to live). During that day he has D3 all day, because we can just pull her out of daycare, but D6 is in school on all his days off - so we agreed she needs more. She will spend an extra night a month and we will look for other opportunities for him to spend time with just her (going on field trips etc). I have made the suggestion that he play a more active part in setting the schedule - but he just responds "whatever you think is best". The only topic he has really intiated was the first discussion about overnights with him.

Its the passive thing - I'm really looking forward to talking to DB coach about how I can handle it better tomorrow.

I make it sound like we talk about this a lot - and that is not the case at all - just a couple of email exchanges and a brief chat during drop off.

Hi raliced, It might give you some peace to draw up a parenting schedule with him, that way you can take your hands off the wheel a bit. You can find sample schedules online. Maybe choose a few that you think might work, and ask him which one he wants to pursue or if he has a different idea for what schedule would work. If he defers to you, then just pick one and stick to it as much as possible, but at least you won't have to constantly be put in a position of having to make the decisions because of his passivity.

I agree with Ahoy. And push yourself to take emotion out of it as much as possible. You can only control you. So, offer a proposal, maybe for a month in advance (even if it's general, like "H will have D one evening a week, blah blah blah, to be determined when H's schedule comes out on Sundays" (or whatever), ask him his thoughts, and say, ok let's try it for 3 months.

Then, stick to it as much as possible. And make plans for the times he is scheduled to be with D. And problem solve a back up plan together (besides just you as the default).

I'm being very prescriptive, but trying to get you to think outside the box in a problem solving way. You can't just wish him to be different, but you can be the best you given the situation.

What do you think?

Today is my anniversary.

I'm not going to be a hypocrite - we never did much to observe anniversaries and I can't pretend that I am really "missing" any thing special - but it is an opportunity to reflect. When my husband left, he said about 5 times that he had "ruined everything". At first I felt that he had as well, as this as touched every aspect of my life. But I find that there is a lot to be grateful for.

I have two beautiful daughters that I adore.

I have a loving family that lives close and would do anything to help me and my children. I know I am fortunate with this.

When I married my husband I gained an extended family as well. So far, they have contines to love and support me - I know everyone is not as lucky.

I'm an introvert and have always had a smaller group of close friends, but they have all rallied round to keep an eye on me, even high school friends who live half a world a way,

God has blessed me with many talents and abilities. I am able to keep food on the table and a roof over my girls heads. If I need to make more to keep our family home, I know I can do that.

I have built a life that includes a precious family, a beautiful home in a community that I love and meaningful work.

I am grateful for my husband too. I won't allow the events of the past few months to taint the wonderful memories of preceeding years. I am better for him being in my life. I don't know if we will find a way to repair what was broken and make something new, but if I had to do it all over again - I would still make those vows.

Finally- I am grateful to have this place to work through some of these issues and be a part of this community. I've nver participated on an internet forum in my life. Who knew?

Wow raliced. I aspire to get where you are, emotionally. What you posted was amazing. To be able to feel nothing but gratitude -- even toward your H-- on your anniversary is awe-inspiring. My anniversary is coming up next month, and I'm dreading it, even though, like you, I never really celebrated in any big way in the past.

You are a positive role model to me today.

Thanks Ahoy-

I know my husband is a good man and I have learned much from him - patience and fun among other things. After all, I have good taste!

But...it's still bittersweet - I am keenly aware that he does not share these feelings right now and may never again.

wow ral,
that's an amazing sentiment. i am truly jealous of you and also aspire to be like you in that regard. my W constantly tells me that she wishes she had kids with someone else and she was supposed to have a good life. you're my hero.

Well Bravo, I must say I think in this regard I have it much easier than you. My H has done some crummy things, but he has never made such a mean-spirited and hurtful comment. I'm sorry your W said that to you.

Wow raliced what a truly inspiring post.

I think all your friends and family are so lucky to have you in their lives and your daughters can only grow to have the same goodness and kindness in their hearts also.

I am humbled and a little ashamed of all the bitterness I seem to be holding on to.
Much love