"I appreciate your invitations but I find myself struggling after spending time with you so I'm going to step back for a time to take care of myself." Or something along those lines.
I agree with this approach, or perhaps an even stronger statement. Don't go to him with your feelings about the family events until he asks to be a part of another one or invites you to one. Also, I am not sure I would mention that you are struggling...this could come across as needy.
Maybe even a simple "no thank you, but you have fun" or "no thank you, i already have plans" when he invites you. Your actions will speak louder than your words. Or if he asks you, just say "I don't believe that that would be appropriate at this time".
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I like the idea of visualizing strangers as folks from this community! Thanks for that, Maybell. You and shodan make good points -- I think next time before I jump at an invitation from him, I should ask myself if I am ready for that. I do need time and space to heal, and accepting these offers, even though they do show him that we have fun together, sometimes does set me back. At other times, though, I feel good about moving on without him afterwards (because he is such a narcissist, and who needs that).
I'm glad I accepted the dinner that he invited me to as a thank-you, even though it was probably a pretext for him to ask me a favor and alleviate his guilt. But there was no reason for me to join him at the outdoor festival as his social buffer. In hindsight, I should have declined.
It's so hard to know what the right thing to do is. But I have to keep a positive attitude I think, even when turning down his invitations. I think I'll just say I have other plans. But it's hard to walk away from a possibly opportunity to connect (not that he's invited me anywhere this week).
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Right. No letter for all those reasons and more. When you temperature check you force them to give you the most conservative answer (they feel conflicted but won't tell you that). And pressure or threats are just controlling behavior.
Look at it as the ultimate 180 to focus on his needs. He needs space, time, and patience from you right now. You want clarity, comfort, commitment. If you can't put his needs first now how are you going to stay M even if you got together?
Finally, remember to act with the character you wish he had. You can't expect more from him than you will put in. So stay patient, be the best Ahoy you can be, and showcase the strength you wish he had.
Wow, Zues, good post. I'm saving that one.
Ahoy, I know right where you're at. The limbo is killing me. But Zues is dead on. My impatience and need to control is part of what got me here. Further impatience and controlling is probably not the best way to fix it, I suppose.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
