Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Do I walk away from WAW? (1)

More adventures in distance vs detaching land. I worked yesterday and the older boys had a sleepover (at BFFs house) last night, so I was planning on having a restful early night, assuming W would leave. On my way home, W texts that she is feeling under the weather. I offer to pick her up this Thai soup she likes to have when she is sick and she says thanks maybe later. Get home, bathe and bed the baby, and order us some takeout Thai. On the walk to pick it up, I give myself a pep talk. This is a chance to do loving acts of service for her, show her that I care, but I am in no way to build any expectations for it or say a single pressuring thing (the last time she had an A, I would go a week and then try to open a small hole wider or temp check, and it backfired over and over). Brought her the food and we ate on the couch, watching crap tv and joking about it (one of our easiest things to do together). Got her a heating pad as she was cold. At one point, she said her feet were hot and asked me to take her socks off. I did and gave her a 60 second foot rub before looking over and seeing that she was asleep. I roused her and she got up, said good night, and went to bed. I went to bed in the office and tried not to feel sad. It had been a wonderful two hours with W.

Today I'm taking the boys to the pumpkin patch. W may join us but I expect her to beg off due to sickness or leaving. Another day.

W just said that she wants to rest up and come to pumpkin patch with us. Said that she also wanted to have "study time" but didn't think she felt up to it. Mentioned some looming deadlines that she has to make, and a paper due, and sounded a little stressed. I knew this was coming. Despite taking five or six nights out of the house the last two weeks "to study", she sounds like she hasn't done much work. During her last A, she used school as a reason to leave the house a lot but ended up sabotaging herself and dropping out. I don't want to say it, but she will probably do it again. All I can do is stand and watch and hope we can pick up the pieces for real this time.

Welp, W begged off of the pumpkin patch due to illness. Fine. We had a great time, though chasing three boys around a crowded barnyard has me worn out. As we were about to leave for home, W texts that she's going out to study. What timing eh? Putting boys to bed and heading out later to do another dj gig. Trying to make all extra money I can since for now I am paying rent on my own. Feeling fine.

Where's your list of M issues and your solutions to them?

Ok issues in the M:

- communication. I am generally avoidant of "hard" discussions in many areas of my life, and I definitely shy away from voicing concerns I have w/W, out of not trusting myself not to be too hard on her, or fearing that she will return the criticism of something in another area. She is big on deflecting. This can turn into passive-aggressive behavior from both of us. I feel like I am conscious of my Ws LL and do and say lots of positive things for her, lots of compliments, affection, acts of service, but if I am in a low mood, I will withhold those.

- responsibility. There is a vacuum here in the M. We are similar, both bright intelligent people but underachievers. We procrastinate. Projects don't get finished. My W is strangely unburdened by housework, I think that she's unable to see it as a series of small tasks and is overwhelmed by the big picture of running th house, so she's withdrawn from it. I too struggle with this but I've long come to terms with th fact that I must carry the weight. I do the vast majority of picking up, sweepng/vacuuming, garbage, dish washing, washing and folding laundry, grocery shopping, bathroom cleaning. There was a time where we were more equal with this but it's just slid out of balance. She handles most of the cooking, but occasionally complains that I don't help enough with that, to which I think, but don't say, .well i do just about everything else. I have pitched in there at times though. Resentment builds.

- I am unhappy at my job. W has urged me to get a new job for years but I have a lot of frustration with the next step in my career. I have never found my true professional calling and it eats at me everyday. W openly hates my job which makes me feel crappy for ever sacrificing any family time or convenience for her schedule in favor of my job. I think she is tired of waiting for me to make a change, even though she is in a very similar boat.

- I struggle with depression, and have since before college. I'm currently doing better than I have in years, after deciding to readdress my issues in the wake of bomb drop. I have a lot of anxiety, now largely in check, and intensely negative feelings about past regrets. I think W is simply tired of dealing with me. She sees my inability to beat this as a failure on her part. I believe that she is struggling with similar issues too, but she handles them differently. I get low, paralyzed, quiet. She projects a calm rational strength.

- Ws health - this is a total tangle. W has had longstanding issues with fatigue, exhaustion, weakened immune system. She catches everything that goes around, and lives in constant fear of getting sick. I would say she has a brief bout of something every ten days, necessitating me adjusting whatever expectations I had to accommodate her. Plenty of semi planned weekend activities turn into me with th kids. For years, I have struggled with how much of this is genuine, how much is her convincing herself she is sick, and how much is just her mechanism for dealing with something g she doesn't want to do. This is not a good place for me to be mentally, and I can only imagine the toll on takes on her.

I need to detail more but I am passing out. Thee are that major ones.

Ok that was a half-asleep ramble.

Solutions to these issues

- being more communicative and cooperative with W. Letting her know my schedule and being more flexible with her needs. Today I have taken off from work as oldest is home sick w fever. This is hard for me to do as it gets me in hot water at work and behind on tasks, but I did it

- not acting or speaking out of resentment or passivity to W.

- working on myself, self health. Quitting smoking. Going to gym 3x week. Getting back into my interests that were more important to me when I met W - literature, history, writing. Working toward a career that incorporates this.

These are pretty nebulous goals. I need to work harder on specifics.

Well for some reason I felt low today so I decided to do some small tasks to make myself feel better. Fixed our toilet which had been running for a few weeks. Went through and recycled a ton of junk mail. Called to renew the kids health insurance. Made an appointment to get us on heating assistance for the winter. Told W all of this when she got home (subtly, trying not to just be like "hey look what I did") and her response was "wow, brand new H". Except of course she did not say husband. Played with the baby awhile as W watched and beamed, then told her I was going to the gym. Full 180 mode. W seems more amused by this than anything but it's helping me feel better. I know the current me is already way more attractive than the me of June/July.

Bummer thing: W left a tab open for a bed n breakfast website on our laptop. It's in the small town where the course she's taking meets, (3 hours from here) but she has never mentioned the classes being more than a day long. Her next class is in a few weeks, I guess there's a chance it's a two day course. I'll have to just wait and see if she mentions that, or if she just vaguely says she'll be home the next day, which means what we all know it means. Trying not to be phased. Detach detach detach. Fog fog fog.

In your "list" all you did was mostly include your W in them. I'm asking for the ones that YOU are responsible for. You're still scorekeeping by constantly including her in the descriptions.

Here are some examples of you doing that.
"- communication. I am generally avoidant of "hard" discussions in many areas of my life,"" She is big on deflecting. This can turn into passive-aggressive behavior from both of us."

"- responsibility. There is a vacuum here in the M. We are similar, both bright intelligent people but underachievers.""My W is strangely unburdened by housework, I think that she's unable to see it as a series of small tasks and is overwhelmed by the big picture of running th house, so she's withdrawn from it."

"- I am unhappy at my job. W has urged me to get a new job for years but I have a lot of frustration with the next step in my career."I think she is tired of waiting for me to make a change, even though she is in a very similar boat."

Why are you so attached to her. Redo that list with only what YOU are responsible for. If you don't like your job, then just say that. Stop saying "well my W didn't like my job, BUT she doesn't like hers either" kind of thing. That's scorekeeping.

I appreciate your help but I really don't get your tone. You asked for a list of our marriage issues, I thought that you wanted those details. I'm attached to my wife because we've been together for ten years. I don't see why you have to be condescending to me, I'm not an idiot.

Anyway, I'm honestly struggling defining what the issues are that I own here. I will redo my list

- unhappy with job, unfulfilled and stressed out with time demands vs it not being a worthwhile stepping stone to something else
- depressed, withdrawn, passive, in my own head a lot
- irresponsible with finances, more a problem of not paying attention to them rather than overspending
- often bad at communicating w/logistics, forgetting to tell W about things until the last minute
- afraid or avoidant of confrontation, sometimes making W bear the brunt of my avoidance
- not taking care of myself
- don't connect with W the right way. I am analytical, she is spiritual, and I need to make changes there

How's that?

Bleh, I immediately regret my prickly response. I know I need to focus on myself. To be a better person regardless of what happens to the M. It's just hard as when I look at my issues I don't see anything that justifies what's happening now.

Reading DR is a challenge, as I am realizing that I am just not a solution oriented person! I think and think and do less. That is the biggest change I have to make. Today, when I decided to stop thinking and start doing, things got better. It's a daily struggle. Did it stop W from leaving tonight "to study"? No, but I can go to bed feeling accomplished. And I can keep going tomorrow.