Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Shakspr #3; Love's Labours Lost

shake,
just remember, the person that leaves the marriage can NEVER get away from the person they see in the mirror. think how much we LBS castigate ourselves for our shortcomings. the WAS will have a moment of self reflection at some point, for many of us, unfortunately, it comes to late to save our marriage. i know none of this helps with the pain but you are not alone. try to remember the good times cause hate leads to the dark side of the force (Yoda). and don't forget you have seen them naked and they know it.

But it won't be the last day you're kids believe they have two parents that love them. You should focus on making sure they never even question that

Keeping busy sounds sensible although I don't envy your jobs list.

Jim: that melancholy statement was about them believing their parents love each other. We are both engaging and loving on them at every turn.

Yeah, that's a non-fun to-do list. I think I have at least 8 doors to square! And who likes snaking drains?

Not me!

Probably my tone - didn't doubt it for a second.

Makes my garage of boxes to be sorted almost seem appealing.

Had a thought this AM. Remember growing up with all the after-school specials and other programming about the dangers and downside of "deadbeat Dads"? It seems that we got the message. I would advocate for a similar push in popular programming for both parties to start taking marriage itself seriously. I'm willing to listen to another POV, but 'round here it seems that DB'n works a lot better on men than on WAWs.

That's only because the women who reconciled have stuck around longer than the men. I've seen plenty of stories on both sides. If you want to watch a current story of DBing working, check out Crimson. He did go through the divorce, but they are piecing now.

Your sitch is too new for you to lose hope like this. Keep that in mind as you process all this.

If you end up divorcing, or at minimum, separating, try to see that as a gift your W is giving you to help you heal. There is no way you could successfully rebuild your M with all the chaotic (normal) feelings tumbling you around right now. If I had realized this a long time ago it would have changed a lot about my sitch.

Do they really have a moment of self reflection later? Does that really happen? Seems like such a far away myth right now... Need hope.

No promises, but some do.

Thanks, Maybell!

I haven't given up hope. It's the probabilities in me (Economics major, poker player) that is trying to guesstimate the sitch. I wonder if the Freakonomics guys have taken on divorce and associated stats with any sort of rigor?

Hi Shakspr,

I can tell you - there are no reliable stats about any of this - I was just ruminating about this yesterday on Ahoy's thread. I work with stats and data all day long too, and I can tell you I've looked. And the problem is that the stats that do exist have too wide of a pool. After the BD, I can tell you a lot of people in my life were flabbergasted that I didn't immediately file for divorce. There are lots of people in the world like that and they get included in all the stats.

As much as we say there are so many similarities between all of our situations, there is lots of difference and nuance too - so there is no apples to apples comparison available.

For me anyway, I realized that looking for stats is not helpful and probably hinders detaching. I'm forcing myself to let it go, much to the disappointment of my inner data geek.