Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Shakspr #3; Love's Labours Lost

My original threads have been gone for awhile from the various purges over 6 years of this. I have told my story to many individual posters who have asked for it. What is your question?

If you want to know how I stood for my M for so long, it came down to one thing...commitment. I made a decision to do so. Even though she said the worst things about me, acted in the worst way, had the OM come down to my working place to try and get me fired, etc. I kept one thing in mind. Her acting that way wasnʻt about me. It was about her.

So I became a better father. Learned how to be a better husband. Read every relationship book I could find and learned how to communicate better. Thatʻs what it comes down to. Get your mind off of your WAS and back onto you. But never let resentment and anger get the better of you. You can beat that.

Shakespr. Its tough and its hard but the more i read the more i see MrBond is right.

You said it yourself 'I will be a better man' that's where you need to focus. Your W fell in love with you before - get that shakespr back only better. If she's got eyes she'll see and if she doesn't well then your still a better man and your kids will be better for it.

Your daughter's comment is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. As jim says, be a better man for yourself and your kids, and let life unfold as it will.

Sorry, Shakspr. I know that was hard. Our "talk" is planned for Friday.

You got through it... it must have been so hard but it's over. Now you focus on you and continue to be the great dad that you are.

You are the most important man in your little girl's life, and you are modeling what will be her idea of a real man.

So far, she is learning that a real man doesn't run away. He embraces his responsibilities, not as an obligation but as a joy. He protects his marriage and children as best he can, no matter what cards he is dealt. He is always there for her. She can trust him.

Thank you all so very, very much.

I have already begun focusing on me and the kids, made all the lunches, got the kids up and out this morning and reassured them that I love them - frequently.

When W asked where I was taking the kids during the weekend that she is moving, I said that I was going to my brother's. She and that sister-in-law have never gotten along well.

She said "That's just hilarious. They never wanted us around before. Your brothers are great, but they let their wives do and say whatever, just hoping that it will get better on its own."

I said, "You know what, you're right. And I intend to do my best to correct those things that allowed division in my extended family. How could I have handled it better?"

She gave some suggestions, "for your new life and maybe whoever you are with next." I said thank you, and that I wasn't doing it for whoever's next. I'm doing it for now, because it's right. It needs to be done.

A 180 for me in action. Hurting like never before, faced with a question that I could have allowed to become inflammatory, I sought her counsel rather than throwing her words back in her face. And learned from it.

Your daughter is right. You did the best you could with the tools you had at the time. Remember that when she might fall short of your expectations (nasty word) for her.

Now you're raising your bar, developing new tools and awareness.

That's a lifelong process. Look around your community and see if there are any workshops based on Cloud and Townsend, usually held at churches.

MrBond, I haven't forgotten about you. I am framing my questions so as not to waste your time, and rto get some insight prior to my last DB coaching sesh (next Monday.)


Labug, thanks to you as well. I looked up Cloud\Townsend. Trying to find a workshop (Boundaries, maybe) rather than the online course or one of the 5 day intensives - that's pricey! But probably worth it.

Is there a reading list consolidated around here? Will have plenty of time on my hands, and gotta work on a better me from here forward.

MrBond: DB'g post-D

I have read and re-read pages 152-153 in DR many times. I don't think it is over. My WAW certainly does, and has a new man waiting in the wings. Only I will know when to give up. But I am committed to evaluating my progress after one year, with another year expected after that (unless she remarries, of course). No dating, nothing except self-improvement, GAL, and becoming the best Shakspr I can become.

1) Can/could/should I attempt to reach agreement with my W regarding exposure of my children to OM? I recall seeing mixed results here on the boards when this is attempted.

2) She is super-protective of her phone, is most likely texting him on the reg. I am ignoring it, haven't mentioned him or the EA since last Tuesday. But it's messing with my PMA - her whole body language changes enough for me to suspect that is what she is doing w/o MR. Any tips on how to power through that (other than, toughen up!) So far, I've just been focusing my time on the kids and treating her like a neighbor. I know, 2 more weeks is all I'll have her here. I should try to enjoy it, strange as that seems.

3) Speaking of which, the next two weeks are stressful for her (new job, packing, leaving our marriage). I'm staying out of it and taking care of the children as much as possible. Any tips, aside from PMA? I'm not GAL'g much - still working out (down 16 lbs!) so I can be a good father while my children are still living here at home. I mentioned on another thread - that memory
book idea you did with your kids - that was amazing, and something I never would have thought of on my own.

4) The future: What, in your experience, has been the most successful approach when XW is friendly and cooperative in matters concerning the children, and appears to be enjoying her new life? Cordial? Brief? Nonchalant? Clearly, going forward, GAL activities by myself and with the children are for me, but should shine through to her. If I have an accomplishment (complete a sprint Triathlon, climb a tough peak), should I
share if/when she asks "How are you doing?"

5) I intend to severely limit calling her directly, texting child care details as necessity warrants. Is this good practice?. I am providing a mobile phone for my children so they can call me or I can call them (with limits to be established.)

6) Finally, how do I communicate that I am leaving the road home paved and smooth? Does that come later if she shows an unusual level of interest in what I'm doing, how it's going in my life? She told me once, in late Aug, that even if she changed her mind in the future, she was afraid my pride would prevent me from giving us a chance. I don't want her to think I feel that way, even as she is now walking out the door.

I am still grieving, but the overwhelming part of it is starting to pass now. I am working hard to crush the feelings of failure, focusing on what God requires, what I need, and what my children need.

Strangely, today has been full of the "I can't believe this is happening for REAL feeling" that I haven't really experienced since getting the D papers. I would rather not cycle through all that crap again.

I feel a little foolish and honestly, unmanly, holding out hope while being detached and soon divorced. She clearly wants someone else now, and has justified her decision in her own mind. I suppose only I will know when I am completely done.

Ugh. Need to get this out because it's NOT productive...

And yet, some bitchy thoughts remain in my head. Like, all those times I was complimenting her on taking charge of her body and how it was attractive in spite of what we were going through...she was taking selfies and sending them to OM.

That's the stuff that p1sses me off. Because it still hurts so damned much. To the core.