Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Shakspr #3; Love's Labours Lost

labug, I knew exactly what you meant.

Taking things as they come. My motivations are back on track. She is free. I have let go. I do not accept in any way that her desire to create a relationship w/ OM before our marriage is over is any form of truth. If anything, it lit a fuse and combined with her unhappiness, gave her a reason to divorce that no amount of DB'g was going to crack. Agree to disagree, I hope. I certainly understand where you are coming from. And you have done a great job of ensuring that I focus my efforts on myself at a time when I would normally project all this crap at her.

You sound good Shakspr. I'm glad you've let go. Sorry about having to tell the kids. That is a hurdle, but one you will clear.

Hey, it's different for all of us. White-hot anger and hope for a breakthrough, followed by complete heel-digging by the W did it for me. Hey, I'm slow. I am detaching. I don't know how those of you living through an affair while the H or W stay at home do it. I would try to work it out, but if they didn't want to go, I know that I would have to leave. My own sanity would require it. So, you guys are WAY tougher than I am. I couldn't take that kind of limbo.

Trying to take joy from the little things is a struggle. My daughter was making up a song today on a little midi keyboard. Being 8, the lyrics were limited, but, man, the chorus:

I wanna make you laugh
I wanna make you smile
I want you to be happ-y
I wanna make you LAAAUUUGGGHHHH

I cried for 5 minutes. Happy tears for once, followed by sadness knowing that tomorrow that song will be gone for a while.

A couple from church with young ones are my new "pickup backups" for after school when it's my responsibility. They volunteered almost before I could get done asking. Again, I am so glad that I have been a friend to so many.

Man, MrBond got me all twisted up on OldDog's thread. Sitting down to tell the kids you are divorcing, telling them that you are against it, without painting the W in a corner as the bad guy, seems impossible.

Any ideas?

And, BTW, it seems a BUNCH of us are doing the talk with kids this weekend. Bad season for DB'g, I suppose.

If you're out there, Bond, I really would like to know your perspective. I am 100% against divorce. I was trying to break the cycle for my children in my own marriage, but screwed it up. I fully intend to raise them in such a way that they develop into people who can DB without even thinking about it - in regular life. I will hand them a copy of DR and 5 LL on their 2nd wedding anniversaries.

I wrote this on Old Dogʻs thread for you...

"Bond. This is out of line with everything I've read in every child development/divorce book I've read."

And have you read the statistics as to how affective that advice is to stopping children of divorce from having divorces themselves? Thereʻs a reason why MC has such as low rate of actually saving Mʻs.

"I have been told and read to say that this is a decision, and not a good one."

Sure you can say itʻs a decision, HOWEVER if you donʻt phrase it correctly, it teaches the kids that itʻs okay to leave and that everyone will be happy because of it. They youʻll have your kidsʻ spouses on this forum wondering how to save their marriages.

"Other words...well. I have a few, but, well, you seem to be on point about everything. Where is this coming from?"

Itʻs called real life. The ones that were able to save the M, showed to their WAS and the kids that itʻs not "okay" to leave. But again, itʻs just an opinion and if you donʻt agree, then you can say it the nice way and everyone will think that everything is great. EXCEPT for the LBS. Deep down inside, they know itʻs wrong and goes against their morals and ethics. Then that turns into resentment and anger, etc. Not all the time, but often.

MrBond. Well put. I will not give anyone an expectation that everything is great. I will not say anything I don't truly believe. Resentment got me INTO this trouble with my S. I'm not going to give myself another reason to get into that mindset.

Because it's not OK. It's not right. I won't give them the impression that it is.

You probably saved me a whole lot of long term trouble. Short term, well, the W ain't gonna like it. But that's her problem. As labug said, she's got her truth. I also have mine.

I hope "the talk" goes okay. My gut clenches when I read of fellow DBers having to do this. So glad my kids are adults.

I remember my dad trying to talk to us about it, when I was 10. I had the mother of all meltdowns. He ended up staying... until I was 18. Not sure if I had anything to do with it or not. He's gone now so I can't ask him.



You would be surprised at what you can do if you think it will help save your M. The problem is: knowing what exactly will help your cause or not. I made a lot of mistakes.

For example, trying to do MC when the PA wasn't over. Not demanding NC with OW because they had to work together. Begging, crying, focusing completely on him rather than on me.

I still don't know how it should've gone down but if I only knew then what I know now...

"Short term, well, the W ain't gonna like it."

Who cares? You can validate her wanting to leave and why sheʻs leaving. But you donʻt necessarily have to agree to those actions.

All right, MrBond. Where's your original thread? I'd like to know what you did for 3 years while keeping the home fires burning? Likewise, Starsky's original thread after he was no longer chocolateeyes and had all but given up.

Right now, prior to speaking to the children, PMA'g is out the door. Will start that again on Monday. I am terse, but calm with W. I know I must look like a simmering cauldron. Reality is, I have nothing to be ashamed of right now. I have reevaluated my life and myself. I know what I want. I want this marriage. I want my wife to come back to me. I have no control over anything but myself, and that is harder than anything right now.

Thanks, Nitty for chiming in. I wonder though, even if you knew everything you know now, would you have been able to implement? I have had few signs of hope since BD, and they have all turned out to be a mirage. But I will be a better man.

I have now become the guy I read about in other threads. The one filled with uncertainty. I have children. I will see my STBX frequently. GAL/PMA/180. Don't ask questions. Validate her concerns regarding the children. Remain aloof about my personal life.

And go on living.

That sucked. My daughter almost killed me when she said, "It's OK, Dad, I know you tried your best." She's 8.

It doesn't feel like it now, but she's got a point. Kids know stuff.

Love to you all.