Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Shakspr #3; Love's Labours Lost

It is mandatory here in TX, or maybe that is based on your county. All I know for sure is that it came with the package after she filed.

Yes, Nitty. It is either acceptance or resignation - not sure which. New emotional phase for me for sure. W is being very cautious and kind after exposure of the EA. I am responding with limited contact, but gentleness in my voice and actions. I still need to talk to her about the children, of course. Next up will be move-out preparations. I will take over darn near 100% of the child care while she hustles through that. I will not be helping her pack. She accepted a PRN home health nursing job, so she can take patients when/where she wants. Again, she is going to be busy and tired for the next several weeks. So I will carry the yeoman's load of child stuff. I can handle it. I want it.

I imagine that it will take several weeks for her to get everything she needs. I will be gracious about that, too, though it will be difficult. I'll do my best to be elsewhere when she needs time in what was once "our" home. I don't exactly expect her to rob me.

I see many posters here with concerns about DB'g post-D. I will worry about that later. I have one DB coaching session remaining and will discuss it there. The reality for me is this: possible scenarios of "what might happen" are endless. I will center on labug's consistent mantra - what kind of man do I want to be? I have no illusions of going dark. I don't want to be that man. However, I will begin setting boundaries. Oil changes and daily problem solving are not my problem. I always have an ear for my children. But calling me and handing them the phone to "explain themselves" is not going to work (she already does this sort of thing now.)

Is reconciliation possible? I say with no expectations: I do not know. And that, fellow travelers, is a new perspective. But I will stand for my marriage and for my wife, though she herself refuses to do so. Thanks, Bond, Cali, and so many others for giving me hope enough to be here. Without your perspective...I would be throwing in the towel fully now.

It was an honor to be married to her. I wish now that I had treated it so every minute of every day.

What does this mean? "But calling me and handing them the phone to "explain themselves" is not going to work (she already does this sort of thing now.)"

That long post you wrote had some real wisdom in it. Maybe you should hang it up where you'll see it and read it everyday. I used to do that when I wanted to be reminded of where I was trying to get. Sort of a roadmap. It helped keep me off the victim trail.



Do you see your job as showing her the truth? Do you really know what her truth is?

I see no concern for her well-being in that statement. It seems more of the old Shake, the controlling but who wants the last word.

I'm not saying don't tell her that but really be honest with yourself about what your motive is. If she's meant to learn that lesson, she will and it will be without your help. I'm sure you know the phrase Let go and let god. As you said, she's intelligent enough to see the truth. What you don't get is, she's seeing her truth it just doesn't align with your truth.

If you really want to change, have the characteristics and insight contained in that strong post your wrote, your work doesn't stop when the D happens. The changes can be lasting or not. That choice is yours.

labug...Thank you for both posts. This one I can address fairly directly. It happened twice in the past three days. After getting frustrated with our children, either getting ready for school or while mediating a disagreement, or bedtime, or whatever (they're children, for goshsakes, and they sense something is up), she frequently loses control of the situation, looks at me, and says "What are you going to do about this?"

Perhaps I was projecting too strongly into the future, but it is something I can picture her doing. In this, or any other similar situation, I will validate her concerns, tell the children I love them and that they need to mind their mother to the best of their ability, and get out of it as gracefully as possible.

A more honest, and better response to your root question (of my overall personal development) is this: I have fears. I must do a better job limiting them, and creating a mindset that is capable of handling whatever problem that comes with grace and dignity.

You ask a good question about truth and motivation. I will examine it closely throughout the day. At least I have learned this much: I haven't said a word to her about the OM since Tuesday.

You're smart to recognize and work on your fears. I've read that the two emotions that affect our behavior and choices are fear and love. I, for one, want to be a person who acts out of love and not fear. It's hard to do at times, though. Hope you're holding up okay.

should have said "the controlling one who wants the last word."

Thanks, Ahoy. Sorry I haven't been keeping up with other folks as well as they have on me. I'll work on that this weekend.

I am working on eliminating (okay, mitigating) the fear reaction and tapping into its stronger complement. Courage. Coupled with Love, that should be nigh unstoppable.

Here's a close cousin to courage: Bravery (sorry, I'm Heinleining again!)

Bravery is going on anyhow when you are so terrified your sphincters won't hold and you can't breathe and your heart threatens to stop

R.A.H., from Glory Road

Shakes,

Another Heinlein fan??!! Yeah! I loved reading:

A Stranger In A Strange Land

The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress

Didja know that TSquared is another one as well?! Yep, he is.

Wonka: Heck, yeah. My favorites:

Stranger
Glory Road
Job
The Cat Who Walks Through Walls
Friday

You shook me out of a fog. Processing my life right now feels a bit like what withdrawal must be like.

Thanks.

This is the last day that my children will believe they are living with two parents that love each other. Needed to get that thought out of my head. Sorry, you guys are my support group!

Just paying bills, doing laundry, and staying out of trouble today. Will probably go for a walk/bike/scooter ride with the kiddoes and then maybe some ice cream. W is out of town at Aunt's house. She told me "You can call her and ask if you are concerned about my whereabouts." Not a chance.

Starting my post-D "keeping active" list. Not really GAL stuff, but necessary in case STBX decides to vacate the immediate vicinity to go be with OM after D. Because I'll be selling and moving as close to my children as possible.

Buy new washer/dryer
Fix/snake all drains (currently have smelly drains - suspect one or both of the vent stacks is clogged.)
Pave driveway - asphalt (currently gravel)
Square the doors
Spackle and paint as necessary
Finish out game room (we converted the garage last year)with lighting and thresholds
Insulate game room ceiling more

Other assorted:
Switch car insurance/change my coverage to liability
Do QDRO paperwork to give her 1/2 401K
Get credit cards, bank account, electric over in my name
Line up child care options for when I need them (rare)