Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers To DB or not to DB, is it really a question?

I don't think that's why she wants to separate. The EA may be a symptom of the problem but it's not the causative factor.

Labug. I agree. But is it a factor in whether I use After LRT or simply GAL/180/PMA til the cows come home? That's a straight question - I really don't know what to do.

Factored in is what I expect to be a cooperative rather than parallel co-parenting approach. We don't disagree on the basics. And I'm just going to have to swallow the fact that my STBX is going to do things I don't like regarding her OM, eventually exposing my children to him if they get serious.

I certainly will get a first-hand opportunity to see how her previous exes felt about me.

Did you save it post-D?

I implied PA from a group of texts that said "I think we did well only giving in once" and "I'd love to have a baby with you" and "we don't do quickies well, do we?"

She denies that she has slept with him or even seen him yet. It doesn't really matter though, does it? Affair fog, and as labug said, this A is a symptom of the deeper underlying problems more than it is a proximate cause. It just seems to drive a nail in things, doesn't it? Like me, a guy she has past history with going back to high school. Not a fling.

The only diff I see between me and most others is that this is W's 3rd D and her history definitely indicates that when she's done with someone (not just romantic Rs), she's DONE.

I think it's a factor in who you decide to be from here on out.

Do you say, no matter what my W does or says, I know I have things to work on an I'll use the opportunity to do that. I've been brought to this place in my life for a reason. I will be a man of honor and dignity?

-or-

My W is having an affair, that's why she's leaving, this is all on her.

Labug...I will eventually hold my head high. But you are confusing me. You seem to imply that my question is invalid. I agree with your basic premise, but your wording hurts me because it has a distinctive "throw in the towel" flavor. What DR/DB technique are you encouraging me to use? The EA is a symptom but it is distinctly her choice.

I am not ready to give up all hope yet, not by a long shot. And that certainly means I have plenty to work on - myself.

I'll leave this here, misguided as it may be, as a warning. Get some sleep folks or you'll post crazy like me.

I usually don't post in the evening, maybe I'm not making sense.

Where did I say throw in the towel?

Being separated=LRT and you still do GAL/PMA/180s. They aren't mutually exclusive. And you work like crazy on you.

I have seen people here, when they find out that S is in A, they say that's it, game over, no need to deal with my stuff.

I'm done for the evening.

Shakespr, here is a great big virtual hug. I feel so awful about what you've had to go through today. I'm so sorry.

The layers of betrayal seem endless: you trying to hold everything together and being totally honest, working hard to acknowledge your contribution to your marriage's problems, co-signing the lease, giving her the uncontested D... and all the while she was holding back the truth.

She certainly is a wounded creature, this will be her third D. This fact alone may work in the marriage's favor, because she might finally realize that she keeps looking for happiness in new men and not finding it, disrupting her children's lives and for what?

So she can repeat the cycle with perhaps a fourth husband? That realization alone just might shake her up, make her finally stop blaming external factors for her unhappiness.

But don't worry about her anymore. Now is the time to take care of yourself instead, to work on yourself as hard as you worked on your marriage.

Take a look at that man in the mirror. He's been through a godawful nightmare. And look... he's still standing! You owe it to him to give him whatever he needs to get through the next couple of weeks. I don't care what it is, you give it to him. (I hope you include all the compassion, kindness, love and consideration that you gave your W.)

I am worried about your sleep. As a military man you must know how sleep deprivation can impair cognitive ability. I remember weeks in which I got maybe 3 hours of sleep a night; I couldn't hold it together at work or anywhere else. If I hadn't called the doctor and gotten help with my sleep, I may have done something dangerous to myself.

I would re-read Starsky's story, which I found very helpful. I can't remember if you've seen these before so forgive me if you have.


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1142647&page=1

and

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1257161&page=1

I bolded that part of my post with the intent to indicate that I paraphrased it from a book called "Detach and Survive: a guide for the wives of MLC men", but in my edits I accidentally left the citation out, and now I can't edit the post.

I am not a plagiarist, I swear.

Hey Shakspr. Heres Hoping you have a better day today.

And its not humiliation - its the catalyst you need to make you the best Shakspr you can possibly be.

"Did you save it post-D? "

No she never filed for D. Although it took a little over 3 years for her to even start looking back.

"The only diff I see between me and most others is that this is W's 3rd D and her history definitely indicates that when she's done with someone (not just romantic Rs), she's DONE."

You wouldn't believe how many people I've seen go through their 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. M and yet are able to save them no matter what the WAS says. There is hope. You just have to get rid of the anger and resentment that's keeping you bound.