Have to disagree with you here, Kev... there are lots of ways to have "fun" without dating while you are married. What about the girl you have the date with? How will she feel WHEN you reconcile with your W? Used?
Quote: She told me later that she didnt like the guy and had a miserable night..
Hmmmm.... I find this very interesting...
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I understand completely. I'm tired and worn down too. Physically, it takes it's tole. I think that it all depends on your threshold for tolerating the craziness and to what degree of craziness you are subjected to.
At least with closure there is a starting point.
I am Catholic. I really don't even believe in divorce. This is the toughest place that I have ever been!
Well I dont want a divorce but I dont want to be miserable any more...
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
I wouldn't say that you dating is the solution...sounds to me like you did it in retaliation of your W's date.
Did you ever think that your W does this...going on dates and telling you about them...just to get a rise out of you? Just to see if you will get jealous or something?
DOn't ever do it...show her you are jealous that is. That will only cause her to continue to WANT to date. DOn't ask me why but your W strikes me as the type to get a kick out of making you jealous.
You are still givng her too much power. YOUR dating will give her even more. SHE WILL use it against you, regardless of whether she has been encouraging you to do so or not. This is a NO win sitch basically.
Your not dating was actually a boon in your favor. She couldn't assuage any guilt that way. I can just IMAGINE what she is going to tell her friends when she founds out you have actually gone on one...."Kev is one to talk...tald me he would NEVER go out with anyone else, I was the only one he wanted, blah,blah, blah...so much for what HE SAYS! Ha, I don't feel so bad now ! "
Get the picture??
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I've had one consult with a DB coach (Dotty-wonderful Dr. Phil "kick me in the butt" attitude)which has been very helpful. But I have been reading and trying to practice (and often failing) DB for about 9 months now. I too am tempted to move on (and say so to my SO which is losing it's credibility) and begin dating. Then i have to remind myself patience patience patience. The loneliness-in touch, in interaction, in bed-is crushing. So, Kevin, I guess I'm just commiserating with you. But like you, every time I detach, along comes my SO wondering what's wrong. I'm 7 days "sober" of talking about the R and it's been noticed. My goal is, seriously, 6 months unless SO brings it up (did once this week and it helped us both.
Hang in there. Dottie said this to me and I've really hung on to it "dont say anything you don't mean and don't do anything you don't want". If you are hoping for your W to come back, do you really want to date? Good luck.
Kelly
Favorite quote from DB boards:
You can't talk your way out of situation you behaved yourself into.
Well after all the good butt chewing I am second guessing my decision to date... I am going to really have to think a lot about it..
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
Well ok.. I am going to stop the date. Cancel.. I thought it was what I needed but I am second guesing myself to death after my butt chewing.. SO I will spend another saturday night alone.. Well maybe I wil spend it with my wife and kids if I am lucky..
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
I know I need to detach and distnce myself but I really do love getting to spend whatever time she lets mewith my family..
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
Quote: Well ok.. I am going to stop the date. Cancel.. I thought it was what I needed but I am second guesing myself to death after my butt chewing.. SO I will spend another saturday night alone.. Well maybe I wil spend it with my wife and kids if I am lucky..
Ok Kevin, so what will spending the SAT with your W accomplish?? It's that quick fix again...scrambling for crumbs because sticking to your guns is just TOO HARD. Better the little bit of time she DEIGNS to bestow on you then nothing at all...it doesn't matter that for the week afterward you will be angry, miserable, bemoaning her craziness and your inability to detatch and wondering WHY nothing seems to be going anywhere.
Look, it is understandable that you are afraid, we all our in our perspective sitch's...and that biggest fear for you it seems is that if you distance your self completely from W that she will continue to go on her merry way. That is a POSSIBILITY but has not yet been determined to be a PROBABILITY. You can't definitively say she will completely shut you out of her life by putting some distance between you until you set that fear aside and TRY it. Until then you are only ASSUMING that will be what happens. You KNOW what they say about ASSuming...
If you want to spend time with your family that is fine. Get the kids and take them off to do something...leave the W out of it though, COMPLETELY!! How do you do that?? Simple, tell her she is not invited. Tell her this is time for you to bond with your kids and you want it to just be them and you. Tell her whateve you have to but DON'T INVITE her and don't spend time with her afterwards and DON"T spend the night.
It is a pattern that you are in right now...a RUT if you will and until you break free of it the amount of help/advice you are going to get from the BB is going to be very limited. How can we guide you forward when you are clinging to the damn rope that is dragging you back??
You are the one making the choices that have you stuck where you are right now...YOU! It isn't your W or your family, job or anyone else. You have the choice to actually dig in and get serious with DB. The WHEN, WHY and HOW are completely up to you...cuase if you are waiting for an epiphany, miracle or lightning strike, well, you are going to be waiting one HE!! of a long time.
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
"You are the one making the choices that have you stuck where you are right now...YOU! It isn't your W or your family, job or anyone else. You have the choice to actually dig in and get serious with DB. The WHEN, WHY and HOW are completely up to you...cuase if you are waiting for an epiphany, miracle or lightning strike, well, you are going to be waiting one HE!! of a long time."
Z is SERIOUS when she says this. This is for ALL of us to learn and live. TODAY. We have to make our lives happen, not the WAS who do not know what they want!
Ha, I don't feel so bad now ! "