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Yeah I have to start re-reading a few books I think ... the NMMNG, 5LL , and the DL ... just to stay fresh and focused, and like a movie you watch for the second time you start noticing little things, and we all know a little thing can be a HUGE discovery!

So ... I no longer have to worry about the move, but its like God needed me to have these feelsing all over again, not as intense .. but all that anger I had from my M breaking apart and me having to scramble for a place to live, trying to keep the family dog, and give S a nice place for the 50% of the time I have him ... all those feelings came back, along with the reasons why. I had thought it was because we were fighting, assumed we would take a break, sort it out, move back together ... little did I know about the OM, then to discover its the MLC issue. .... I just am struggling with it, thank goodness I have IC next week ... I really thought I was passed it, things were looking up and now its me tossing fuel into this blaze of emotions ..... I have been good about not blowing up, but its not helping me.

So W picked up S yesterday at soccer practice, I was short with her, she asked why the other coach said he "hoped" to see me at the game (I never miss games or practices) .... I told her I have work and my headaches are back. She started in on me seeing the other Dr (I have the info and am in the process of setting up an appt) ... I told her she did not have to worry, and in frustration I did the little comment ... about me not being her problem anymore (Abandonment issues on my part ... delaing with her leaving me, and going through this medical thing alone isnt helping). She got upset and started her spew game, I calmly told her I was not going to stand and be yelled at and I left ... (As she screamed "Walk away its all you ever do" ... ummmm no .. that was you was it not)

So it was not a great exchange, but I did not lose my temper or engage, she later TM me saying "Of course I worry about you, Please don't tell me not to. I wish you'd call the Dr, Please"
Then its been quiet since.... seen her at the game, she was on the other side of the field (Showed up late as usual and probably embarrassed when she realized she was on the other teams side line ... who knows) After the game I walked towards her with S and told him goodbye, and I would see him later ... she said something that gave me the impression we all 3 would do something and I quickly told her after I finished at work I could take him ... basically not wanting to be together without saying it out right.

I just feel I need to hold onto this no fake family time, I see her using me as a crutch and cake eating. Then I am torn to be there for her too .. but its hard right now till I can get a grip on my own emotions ... it will come .. just not today.

So ... hope everyone had a good weekend .... just thought I would pop on and journal a bit.

So ... dealing with the emotions, realizing it was a natural thing to cycle through them, I basically just accepted them for what they were. And knowing how I am .. I thought it best to detach, go dark a bit .. just as to not backslide. Things were very quiet Saturday, I went into work and pretty much just lost myself in it. I planned on going to church but ended up just trying to get caught up for the huge audit I have later this week. So I finish up and head to the grocery store, Halloween stuff everywhere, and I realize alot of the emotions I have been feeling are from last year, going through those holidays .... and possibly faced with a repeat this year ... well .. I was just a touch depressed about it .... but then I realized, its not the same, I am better off now than I was, and even where I am with the WAW is better, so I forced myself into a PMA and even flirted with a 89 year old lady at the butcher Dept....lol

So I get home, eating outside alone, peaceful ... and the W TM me inviting me over to watch a movie. My first impulse was to decline. I had not heard from her all day ... I told her I just got home and was eating, still needed to shower. She was upbeat and positive and extended the invite a couple times (Sometimes I SWEAR she DB's ME!!...lol) so I told her I would be over later. I get there a little late, and we agree on a movie, at first sitting on opposite ends of the couch, then she gets up to get water and bathroom, I pause the movie she comes back with a pillow and lays on my lap .... and as predicted falls asleep about 40 minutes in. I actually was happy, she always fell asleep and would wake up toward the end asking what happened .. used to drive me nuts but its funny how those little things that used to irritate you are the things you really miss. About 9 I pause the movie and tried to get up without waking her ... to put my S in bed as he was fading out aswell. She woke up and went to take her contacts out as I put S down, she stayed just outside his room as we were praying, I could see her watching us I tucked him in and she came in to kiss him goodnight. I was just going to go home but she wanted to finish the movie. Wow .. just her and I ... so I catch her up on the plot and we finish the movie, and I thanked her for the invite and went home.

Sunday I woke up and again went into work, worked a bit and decided no more, I TM W and told her I could come by and pick up S, she said they were in the middle of something so I told her just let me know and I would come pick him up. A few hours later she TM as said they were on their way, then asked me if I would like lunch, I said that sounded good .... (if anything saves me from driving all the way to get S, so I ask where ... she replied anywhere and she was starving ... so I suggested a couple places and we met up. I was quiet at lunch .. I was not grumpy or upset .. just quiet, of course she calls me on it .. I assure her I am fine (Faked a bit of PMA) .. and I pay for lunch, S and I walk her to her car. She asks what we are going to do, I told her we were going home, watch the game then take the dog for a walk after. I told her she could join us, then asked what she was going to do .... and as soon as I asked I realized how many times she would lie to me, she looked me in the eyes, then looked down and said she wasn't doing anything, just going to the bookstore. So I open her cardoor and tell her to enjoy her night ... she was a little down, ok ok ... mind reading here a little .. but its just my observations.... I think being alone is getting to her some ... explained why she kept S so long Sunday when she typically could not wait to drop him off with me so she could get out and do her thing.

So S and I as planned .. watched our Chargers win, grabbed the dog, walked around our old spot ... and headed back home, W TM asking if we were walking and I told her we just finished ... she replied that she would go to the gym then, I told her to enjoy her workout. S called her later on to say goodnight, and that was that .. I put him to bed and decided to watch a movie. W TM telling me she was watching a movie that was really funny .. was one of my favs ... I told her to enjoy the movie and siad good night. She TM at 2 in the morning that she couldnt sleep, apologized for waking me.

So ... I have kept emotionally detached a bit from her this past week, partly because I think I need to to DB better, partly out of self preservation. And like I have said in prior posts.... her and I have been connected for 24 years, MLC tunnel or not .. she has stupid spidey senses on this. So this morning I drop off S, I say good bye to him, she comes out from the kitchen, looking beautiful in a nice blue dress. She asks how I am I told her I was good, and asked the same she told me she didnt sleep well, came in for a hug, I half hugged her (I think you all know the hug) .... she asked me what was on my mind, I told her I did not want to get into it all .. but that I was fine and I have alot going on at work, she commented that I looked good and she loved the shirt I had on .. I told her she looked great and she told me she was old and ugly .. I told her I didnt think so... I turned to leave and she swooped in and gave me a really big firm hug and said "I miss you" ... I was not expecting this ... there was a pause and I told her I missed her too ... she kissed my shoulder, I told her to have a good day and left.

The I miss you is new ... I have felt for about a month now that the OM is out of the picture ... however I am not sure if there are TM or exchanges between the two and I thankfully am at a point it doesn't bother me, however if we are going to talk about R I still feel like I need to be firm about the NC and transparency boundary but I know there will be backlash on that. Maybe the I miss you was nothing more than a temp check, I hate that she knows I am hanging around waiting on her ... and I hate that she knows when that rope is getting heavy and she tosses this out and it makes me hang on a bit more. But ... this is progress, if I really want my M, then this is a good step in that direction, I am not reacting to it ... but it did feel nice to hear those words from her. I guess we wait and see what this week brings.

Hi CaliGuy,

The W's "I miss you" does seem encouraging. Keep up the good work. Thanks for the update.

Thanks for stopping in Wet.

So ... not much to update, Last night same ol for the most part, S called W to say goodnight, then she actually asked to talk to me, nothing important, just superficial chit chat. I dropped off S this morning and she invited me in, I declined and told her I should head to work, this obviously upset her though she said nothing, but looked like it depressed her. I did TM about an hour later telling her I was sorry I ran out but have alot going on at work, just received an "ok" as a response.


So ... I am working away today, very productive ... but I am really looking at myself and what I am doing ... the push pull has flipped ... she is pushing a little and I am the one pulling back. I still want to be sure OM is out of the picture, I feel he is for the most part so I am not sure what I need ... I want a NC letter, and full transparency .. but we have not even had R talks. So I question myself .. do I need this .. or am I deep down trying to make her suffer and hurt like I have through all this. Luckily I have kept all this to myself, but that possible move and this time of year, looking back and realizing I am about a year into my separation and still in limbo I am dealing with emotions not as intense, but still the same types of emotions I was having issues with ... IC in just 4 days thankfully. I fell into the bad habit and snooped yesterday, looked at her FB page, on the bright side she changed her backdrop picture to the very spot we had our honeymoon ... and told people how beautiful and amazing it was .... she also changed her profile picture from our son to a nice picture of her, of course many "likes" and comments ... and yes .. OM "liked" it ... I still get a little irritated about that ... but nothing I can do nor did she make him press the button and I realize that. I do feel before I can put anything emotional into her I need assurance he ... and another possible fling is not in the picture and I need her to prove that to me after the past year (or 4) of total lies. I am close to telling her again, OM is off your FB, not to text/email you, I want to trust you and start working on our M but untill these things are done I can not be there any longer.

Ok ok .... this is me mind-reading some .. I know .. but its my observations and just trying to figure out where she is....She seems to be really down, her brother, being alone, she seems to be trying and reaching out a bit and I feel like I am slapping her hand and I do not want to do that ... but I also do not want to be emotionally used any longer either. I feel for the first time she is starting to realize the damage she caused but is to proud or ashamed to admit/face it. So I am hesitant to rock the boat that is already filling up with water and about to sink.

SO I get a TM a few hours ago ... asking how I was, her telling me she is having a bad day and not feeling well , I told her I was ok, and validated her not feeling well, then she tells me "There is a parent meeting tomorrow night for reconciliation" ... I felt like an idiot as I thought .. huh, we have not had any relationship talk .. nor can I see the school having a parent meeting about us getting back together ... well .. she had to explain it to me that it was for our S and talking about asking forgiveness of sins (Private Catholic School) ... lol .. that was embarrassing but I did not spill any beans.


Just a rant and my thoughts of where I am at the moment.

Small update .. little backslide.

So all was pretty quiet yesterday, W was having a bad day. I pick up S and get to the house about 10 minutes before she is due to get there at 6. 6:10 she TM she is running late will be there 6:45, then TM at 6:45 it will be 10 more minutes ... finally 7 she gets there. She was crying, I asked if she was ok and she hurries in the car, I again press and ask her ... hey you ok? and she snaps at me and tells me I can't help her with this .. so I ofcourse am on edge thinking she stopped off at OM ( I know I know ... ) and told her "Well yeah I guess I know what its about and can't help you" ..... Looking at it .. maybe she did just have a bad work day, stayed late to talk to someone about it .... maybe she stopped by OM on the way home .. I don't know .. I thought OM was out of the picture, but I have no way of knowing one way or the other and I know I can not let that change what I am doing.

So I have not contacted her, I will just wait and see where this all goes. She was going to let me know if she was picking up S tonight from school so I could go to the parent teacher conf. then I have my ball game after.

Trying to stop my mind from racing, if there is a positive .. it was not me that had her that upset .. but she also would not allow me to be there for her .. not sure what is up.

So .... sitting here and I realized a few things. I am still Mr Sucky at this detachment thing. I also allow her actions to affect me far to much (Again .. goes back to detach.)

I did however look at the calendar I track my processes on .. I realized ... BINGO .. she is PMSing, and any number of things could have set her off yesterday. She did TM me wishing me luck on my audit (Eventhough its not till tomorrow) and she was in training all day, I replied thanking her for thinking about it, also told her I recalled she was in training and wanted to wish her a better day but did not want to push .. she jumped into 2 short messages about S and I just left it at that and did not reply.

Earlier I went back and re-read a few of my posts from about 2 months ago ... it calmed me. I am so much further along, and in a better spot than I was back then, not only the relationship with W, but ME ... I am better, handling things better and not allowing my emotions to ruin the work I have put in to this point. It was a nice little boost to revisit ... up untill yesterday I was not even thinking about OM, I know it was just a little backslide in that dept, and I will just own it and move on ... the bright side was my reply was vague .. .granted it implied OM, but I did not press that point nor push it further. ... baby steps for me, before I would have tried to really hammer that home, and I just do not want to be that person.

High Road, I know God has more work to do with me, and her, and I see progress which makes it easier for me to me patient ... one of my hurdles in all this.

Ok Update time ... I have been busy with Audits at work .. and that has kept me busy and not sitting here obsessing over my sitch which was a welcomed break

Yesterday after work I pick up S as usual, noticed as I arrived at the school he was one of 6 out playing football, I just sat on the bench watching, he seen me and continued to play as I watched I just smiled on the inside. As I was watching W TM me asking how he was, I told her he looked happy playing, then she asked if I could call. She wanted to know about the parent teacher conf. that I went to on Wednesday night ... Catholic school there was talk about Reconciliation/Confession ... so I told her what they discussed, and about the prayers he was learnign, and to take home, she got a bit snippy telling me she has not seen any, I calmly told her I just recieved them that night and would make her copies (Though she does not pray with him like I do) This exchange is one where its obvious things would be so much easier if we were together as a family, the school is not really sypmathetic to spit homes as they do not have as many families that are seperated like we are, this weighs on me, I can only assume it does the same with her. (See ... not mindreading .. just an assumption .. I am making progress ...lol)
So I continue the phone conversation as I gather S .. and start the drive. We were just talking and she told me about her lease that is due up next month .. not sure if she is going to go for a 12-18 month lease ...(I was not going to react, but deep down I am thinking .. not sure if I can go separated another 12 or 18 months, guess she is not even thinking R at the moment still.. but I just listened instead of voicing my issue) Then she started in about her brother and taking out more of her 401K for his lawyer, I offered to help but she told me she did not feel comfortable with that especially with where our relationship was .. so I agreed and left it at that.

Then she actually started getting emotional, telling me she does not know what she is doing, she has made a mess of her life, she was crying ... I told her she has had a difficult year, but there was nothing she has done that couldn't be fixed. She brought up us ... I dodged a bit and told her that she really needs to think hard about what she wants, she said she is not the same person, I softly told her I understand, as I am not the same either. I basically told her she needs time for her, sort things out, I did mention something about how I would like her to be part of my life, but I will continue on with my life and do the best I can day by day. I told her I actually enjoyed talking to her, and wished her luck in her IC appt and said goodbye.

Next Morning, dropped off S, she invites me in and we exchange info on S and she asked how I was ... I actually had a strong PMA going, told her I was good, almost done with the audit ... asked how she was .. eyes on the ground and she shakes her head that she isnt doing well .. and needed a hug. So I hug her, she hugs back hard .... caught me off-guard. She told me she was sorry for everything, all the hurt she put me through. I told her that we both hurt each other, a lot over the past few years (basically owning my part in all this). Then she asked me "Do you really love me?" .... I wanted to say ofcourse I love you ... but instead I said "What do you think?" then stupidly followed it up with a "What about you?" .... I wish I didnt say that .. guess I was fishing to hear it ... but she admitted she was still confused, and honestly I was ok with that. After we broke the hug ... I told her I would let her go so they were not late ... she started to tear up and stopped me... then she told me "I just want you to know .. its completely over with him .. completely" ... I looked at her, sure I want to believe her and in a way I do ... but I told her that I am not going to fight about it... but she has told me that before.
I feel like she knows I need the NC, for her to remove him/ transparency ... and she doesn't want to give up that power/independence. And it very well might be over for her, but its not for me. (IC discussion tomorrow about that)

So ... I have told her the boundaries ... but at this point I feel she is starting to come out a bit and I do not want to sledge hammer ... so as long as there is no R talk , I will keep DBing, spending time with her and S when I can, not giving up my plans ... seems to be working so far so I will continue ... but I feel that the R talks are starting to get closer, and I will not back down from these boundaries. the OM was a 4 year work acquaintance from 2 companies ago .. I must ensure that something like this will not reoccur.

Of all the conversations, that my friend is a great one to have. She seems to be feeling you out to see where you stand. To see if you're going to sledge hammer her (she likely feels like she deserves it) or not.

Could certainly be a touch and go, or something more. Can I suggest that you be on your guard against yourself? A lot of times as this stuff goes back and forth like this, it will bring up feelings you "buried" before. Now's not the time for that to be resolved.

If she decides she wants to have a relationship with you, she'll be a long, slow time in committing to that. Or she may get scared and run away thinking she could never be good enough to be in a relationship with you ever again.

You're doing very well. Very. And I suspect the PMA is not so hard to come by any longer, is it?

AJ

You ARE doing really well, Caliguy! I'm impressed with your restraint and staying true to your promises to yourself. Like AJ said, there's constant back and forth, up and down. Detachment helps keep your close enough to empathize but far enough to not get drawn in. Be mindful and open.

rock on!

Wow Caliguy. Great conversation and you did great. Like the others said, stay true to yourself.