In most R's, the partners trade off being givers/takers at various times, trading off is "normal" ... so how did this imbalance come about?
I think her and I give and take in different areas, she gives in the area of setting up appts, paying bills, scheduling activities ... where I gave emotionally ... I am not so sure we spoke the others LL later on in our marriage
Originally Posted By: TSquared2
How did you lose you? Why?
I allowed her to dictate my actions ... she would go off and I became the "yes maam" push over in certain areas ... picking battles, but I gave so much ground up ... I would fight back in certain areas and at times I think she would just test these to see if I had a back bone left.
Originally Posted By: TSquared2
Why did she have to be in control of everything? How did you contribute to that?
Why? ... I am not sure .. she even admits it and thats her issue, Like I said above .. I think it was just to avoid conflict that she was always looking for ... knowing what I know now .. it was not even about the issue, she was hurt about something deeper and looking to fight about it regardless .. so she would go looking to pick a fight.
I am conflicted ... and want off this ride, but I still want my marriage and my wife back, I have been questioning my own reasons for this as of late.
I feel the same way about my H and my marriage. My sitch is going in a positive direction but I'm conflicted. I fear him going all MLC on me again, and frankly, it's going to happen. I can't forget that.
No matter what happens, I think we'll be conflicted, LOL.
Quote:
WAW and I had not had sex in 3 1/2 years, I was lead to believe it was her medical issues .... 5 months later she gets an STD from OM .... yeah ... I am still upset about this and honestly thought I was past it, still stings.
That is so much like Starsky's story (back when he was Chocolateeyes).
Yeah .. we have not even reached a point where we can even put the work into a R to save the M ..... she is at the least working on her, I just do not know if I want to be around the train wreck and watch her make the ugly discoveries of who she has become and the damage she has left behind.
W went to BIL sentencing .. as predicted it did not go well. All I could do was validate, and offered an ear if she wanted .... she pushed me away as I figured, so I did my GaL and went to my Softball game. She told me earlier in the day she needed space, so I told her I would let her be and to hit me up if she needed anything. She TM later, just business as usual about S. Then she called towards the end of the day, I was nice, sincere .. not to much PMA considering the result of the sentencing. She started in on how she was feeling and I just validated, she changed the subject asking about my pending move, (I have been fighting the anger that came up reminding me of when she left me and looking back now at why) So I just talked short, she pressed ... asked if I was mad at her over that, I said no, I am not mad at you over me moving. then she pressed more .... I basically said I had told her boundaries last month, and she acts as if that conversation didn't happen, she said she recalls the talk, but thinks I am controlling, and basically looks at me just as S's father and has not shown me anything otherwise over the past 4 weeks...That hurt and pissed me off... and made me feel like saying F it and dropping the rope on the spot. I told her I was not going to fight, nor get emotional ... and if thats how she felt then that is who I will be.
She has since TM me from last night to this morning, obviously hurting from the BIL sitch, saying when I say that she does this or that (I am not sure what she was refering to other than in the heated argument I told her it would be impossible for her to feel romantic with me when she gave that part of her to another .... maybe not the right thing, but its the truth) it pushes her away from me, using my angry voice ... (something I have been making progress on .. but she still can press a button or two and get me going). We talked this morning on the phone, I did well .. considering the anger she has .. its escalated ... not about me .. nor anything I did .. its BIL, seems that put her back in a tunnel for a bit.
I think I am going to detach, let her come and ask for me, she knows I am here if she needs me .... I dont think I want to do any family type things ... but I know that would help her ... I am not sure on this .. she uses that to gain herself then feels better and off she goes .. I just am not sure anymore .. time to read DL more.
Yeah I see a few things here .. thank you for making me look at ME .. and what I can do .. I realize I need to stop focusing on HER. In some ways I have done things for me, things I have not told her nor feel a need to. I like who I am becoming ... but I miss the comfort of the family that I guess I always assumed would be there, sure we fought, but never did I think of leaving her.
The loss of Family is the longest and hardest part. I would say that you will never really get "over" it completely.
It's much the same as if your spouse would have passed. You will always miss the love, the comfort, and you will always miss that connection.
Truth is, YOU can still have that, and keeping your vows doesn't always include what she gives in return....
Keeping your vows, includes that you will always have love for her, you will honor her, and you will cherish her.
How different that looks ? Depends on you...
I still have love for my EX...
I still honor her decision to find happiness in her life, even if it isn't within a relationship with me...
I still cherish her and the memories, and children that we created together...
So, you will see, in time, that it is how YOU handle this...
And focusing on what she is doing TO you, isn't the healthiest thing emotionally, that you can do...
She isn't doing anything TO you.
She is doing this for HERself...
And in that process, YOU get to do the same thing....
Find something, anything, that gives your heart some peace, and do it for YOU....
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
What am I afraid of, and what is holding me back , probably the same answer... its the rope. I know my head says drop it, she has to go through this and it will take a long time, she has turned into a person that I don't know anymore, and as I have been asked, do I love her, or the memory of her. That is tough, I am afraid of a broken family when I know we could have been so much better off ... but I know these things are out of my control regardless of my fears, I need to continue to give it to God and pray His plan has a better life for me, with or without her.
I am gonna go out on a limb here, and say that you are afraid that if you make too much progress, and go too far in the direction of YOU....
That you are afraid that she will never come and look for you, and that you will have moved too far ahead of her, and she won't/can't keep up...
Am I close ???
Well, that is certainly a risk that you must take huh ??
Because the alternative is even more scary....
It also doesn't mean that you "move ON" either....
It means that you move FORWARD for yourself....
And yes, finding the answer to that ^^^^ is very important...
And to answer that, you have to be TOTALLY honest with yourself...
Cali, I don't believe I've posted to you before, but I've been following your sitch. I'm sorry you are here, but you really have an amazing group to support you, on this board.
Moving forward scares the bleep out of me. The concept feels counterintuitive. I want my M. I want my H. Moving forward sounds like moving away....but it isn't.
I'm not where I need to be, but I know where I'm headed.
Regardless of H, I know I have to get "whole" for myself.
If H comes back, comes out of the fog, becomes whole himself, I will be prepared for a healthy, successful, peaceful M going forward.
If H doesn't, I will be prepared for a healthy, successful, peaceful life going forward.
One thing someone posted....is that by becoming whole yourself, you will likely be far ahead of your W with relationship skills, thus, outgrowing her. But, you may have the opportunity to decide if you want to mentor her, allowing her to catch up, and demonstrating how....should that happen. That's the thought that pushes me most.
I wanted to let you know I can relate to what you are going through, and I am cheering you on from the side, Cali.
I have been following your sitch and can really relate to so much you post. The above posts really hit it on the head for me. It's my biggest struggle, how do we let go and not move too far ahead? My biggest fear is the same as you, to let go and not have my H come looking for me. These posts have really helped to put it in better perspective for me. It really makes so much sense and is the best thing for our own mental health.
Good luck to you, I am rooting for you
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
