Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers To DB or not to DB, is it really a question?

Shakspr, I reckon the 'worst detaching award' would be hotly contested. Its kind of ironic given a lot of our stories seem to involve us getting here through not being emotionally connected enough

Yes, Jim. You hit the nail on the head. Could it be that some of us who suppress our emotions and try to maintain the illusion of control are more likely to be LBS? And now, terrified, we are unable to stop emoting? Additionally, our partners who we sometimes saw as weaker because they allowed emotion to govern (in our minds) far too much of their lives, now have no feelings for us whatsoever. No positive ones, anyway, that they are willing to share.

My pastor calls our (LBS) behaviors that lead to this, and other similar life situations "Optimistic denial" - I tend to agree with him. I am a conflict avoider, under-rug sweeper, and it's come back to bite me.

I'll second that.

My W seems to have nothing but hate left for me. And all because I didn't do enough to help her deal with her sadness and never realised I was the cause.

Following up on Maybell's recent successes, need to take stock with a solutions journal. Even though, with 3 weeks until D is final, my solutions basically add up to friendly interactions and validations.

Going to have to be the strongest I have ever been in my life in 6 days. We are telling the kids this weekend. Please pray for me to be the best version of me that exists, and that my children and step-son will know that they are loved in every possible way.

What's your plan for telling them?

Do you have a list of what not to say?

I am reading Putting Children First very intently, focusing on the 9-12 year old and reading all the before, during and after stuff. I read quickly, but I need to read it all, then go back and practice.



I am sure my list of what not to say will be much longer than my list of what TO say. But it already includes:

No blame. NO BLAME. This drives a wedge, makes the children at this age take sides.

This is a "decision". Mom isn't leaving Dad, we have decided that it will be best to end the marriage.

As this will come as a surprise to them, let them know we have been working on things without trying to scare/hurt them, but this is what is happening.

Our love for them (and my love for my SS15!) will never end. Parent-child relationships are different and inseparable. Mom and Dad are working together. Lots of time both places. We will be living close together.

All emotions are Ok. We will listen to anything, or respect their desire for silence and time. Behaviors need to remain in check. (still working on the wording here.)

They can choose what to take with them to the new apartment with Mom or what stays here. No one is throwing away their things, and we will keep everything as normal as possible.

Special focus on D8 and S11 - they are still children. No need to take on more adult roles. We are still responsible for them and if something isn't right, let us know. We are listening.

SS15 - I still need to do some reading, as he is already the quiet sort. I suspect he will withdraw, then explode. He will act out, and since he is already passive-aggressive about school stuff and so forth, he will be a challenge.

That's all I have so far. Still doing the work. Plan on giving each of them a copy of the Mom's House/Dad's house book for children, as they are all excellent readers and like to process information that way as well.

Oh, and looking for a Divorce Care for Kids class in our area.

Good for you. The list is great but that's a lot for one session. Tell them what's happening around the needs of daily living (where theyll sleep, how they'll get to school etc, seeing friends) and then let them tell you what they need to know. Sometimes we adults like to try to cover all the bases and we introduce causes for worry that they don't even have.

You'll do great.

Kids are always going to be tough to explain this stuff to. The main thing is to make sure that they know you love them, you'll always be there for them and that in no way is it there fault (kids have a tendency to blame themselves)

The attention span for an 8-12 year old is very short. I agree with labug on this one. Tell them the basics and then let them ask for more. My W adn I broke it down into 3 separate talks over a 2 week period. We used the questions as a guide for what to address next.

I want to share with you 2 of our failures.
1) we called a family meeting. All 4 sat around the dining room table. Since we rarely do this it immediately set the boys into defensive mode and they were nervous, thinking they were in trouble.
2) We said that it was a mutual decision. That lie caused more lies and caused me to start to shut down conversations. We had to have another talk and cleared up the "mutual decision" issue.

If both parties are agreeing to divorce, it is a mutual decision isn't it?