Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers claire- part 7

1. accepted invite in person. his response was... underwhelming. he seemed a bit surprised. he wasn't upset or anything, but he did not smile back. more like, aloof, i guess.

2. funny story, and a proud DB moment for me: yesterday, my FIL brought a tricycle over for my D.

It was funny to me because a couple of years ago, this same FIL bought my D a tricycle-- one of those fancy ones that has to be put together. Well, my H and I never quite got it put together correctly, and it sat in our small bedroom unused for a year. It was a big source of contention. He kept urging me to either fix it or toss it in the trash. I kept forgetting to work on it (and frankly, didn't really know how to fix it, though I tried several times), but didn't want to toss it since that seemed so absurdly wasteful and ungrateful. We fought about it quite a bit. Eventually I agreed to just toss it to the curb.

Fast forward to yesterday... so, this same FIL brings a tricycle over. H is telling me the story, and he says, "It's ironic because" -- and in that moment I'm expecting him to refer to the first trike, so I start to smile. But he doesn't. Instead he says,. "It's ironic because my SF also just bought her a bike!"

Ohhhh, THAT'S why it's ironic. Ok, then.

I'm proud to say I STFU. But I do think this is another piece of evidence of a possible MLC. I mean, has he just forgotten completely about that hunk of plastic that caused such strife in our lives!?!? Wack-a-doodle.

Well done on the STFU! I remember you mentioning the tricycle ages ago on your thread and what a big deal it was in your relationship. Crazy that your H doesn't recall that now…!!! (Also kinda funny that the FIL keeps getting tricycles for the same D3, no?!)

Hi Claire

just been reading your story, I'm a relative newbie here but I recognise a lot of your H in my W. Also interesting what people are saying on children impacting their M. We had a really close bond until my S arrived, we had a tough time getting P and we both had to go through a lot to get there, we also had one or two scares along the way. Once he arrived we initially split the care and I was happy to handle night feeds but I had to get a better job to cover costs from the freelance I had been doing and W became SAH mum.

Despite all that we were still very happy but when S was leaving Kindergarden and moving to school our problems really kicked in and she's been very possessive of him ever since and never really wanted to come up for air in the M , wanting to have time as a couple or take weekends without him were always angrilly dismissed. Think that caused a spiral which caused me to pursue her through needyness and push him away slightly which breaks my heart now as I wouldnt change having him for anything, last few years now I look back on it are very similar to whats been said here, I've been overlooking the distancing going on and just head down trying to make ends meet.

W is now behaving very similar to your H although in my case she also has S and its tricky to see him as she is now 100% home educating him and submerged in his activities 9-5 all week. Retro editing our history together to say there were no good times and seems very confused on any way back. I'm just getting through the days, PMA, GAL and keeping up my 180s but its so hard some days, I really get what you mean.

Anyway sorry to hijack, really just wanted to say keep posting and keep going and I hope things really get better for us all.

Ed

Struggling a bit today.

Had a really wonderful holiday dinner with my parents, brother, and his GF and her D, who is so lovely and whom my D adores. I decided to just cater everything, so there was no stress, and my mom totally stepped up to the plate and helped get everything set up. It was a really really nice dinner.

And then, this morning, I took D to kiddie services-- I was so proud of the way she ran up to the front, and was singing and dancing along. She had a great time, and I felt proud of both of us.

And then, my WAH came to pick her up to bring her to his mom's for family gathering this evening. Today of all days I should be able to find compassion and forgiveness in my heart. But as I heard him speak to me in a way that pushes my buttons (I have trouble keeping track of our quite complicated schedule changes, and when I ask again, or say the wrong thing, he says, "I already told you that" or "we already discussed that" and instead of taking it at face value, I think to myself, "You d-bag. You suck."

And then, as I hug my D goodbye, she asks, "Mama, are you gonna come to grandma's house?" and I fight back tears and say no, I will see her tomorrow. And I close the door, and crawl into bed and sob and feel hatred for this man who would be so selfish and hurt us so much. I miss my D on this most important day of the year. I miss his family, I miss having a partner.

And I should be self-reflecting on my year, and how I want and need to change, but instead I put on the Food Network and try to ignore the thoughts in my head because they are too painful to think or write about.

But perhaps that means I must push myself to do just that. Perhaps some journaling or letter-writing is in order. This pain feels almost unbearable right now. So much for thinking I was almost detached. I still have a lot of work left to do.

I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time Claire. I just came out of one a few days ago. I'd been immersed in it for a couple of weeks and then it suddenly changed for seemingly no reason at all.

Rollercoaster blah blah blah, marathon not a sprint blah blah blah, hang in there blah blah blah ... and all the other things we all say to each other on here ;-)

We're all on your side (((Claire)))

(Not so) Old Dog xx

Validation does not seem to be something that works with my WAH, at least in certain situations. So, I think STFU is the way to go.

Email from WAH: "I'm wondering if the best way of handling drop off tomorrow night is for you to drive D to me on your way home, then leave the car and just walk back to your apt. I don't know if that's ideal, but if it isn't, then perhaps we can discuss when you think you'll be home that evening. It's already been a really long week for me, and I would appreciate it you could drop D off that evening. Let me know what you think."

Some context: If you recall, I had a pretty painful muscle strain a few days ago. Feeling much better, but not 100%. In addition, he changed our schedule this week due to a work commitment, needs to also change it next week, and asked for schedule changes last weekend and this weekend because of personal plans. So, the complaint that "it's been a long week" for him, and the suggestion that I walk home are rich. Oh, yeah, and if you recall, last weekend when he saw me get injured, he refused to keep D for an extra hour or so by saying, "Sorry, I have a lot of work and errands to do"

When he was here picking up D, I said: "I'm sorry you had such a busy week."
H: "Why are you sorry?"
Me: "I'm not sorry, I guess, I'm just sorry to hear it."

So much for trying to validate. My sitch feels more and more hopeless, because I have more and more trouble finding reasons to continue to stand. Not only because I don't think he'll ever come around, but because I just don't really desire him at all. Maybe this is just inevitable and I should just get on with it and stop dragging it out waiting for the impossible.

Praying for strength, compassion, grace, understanding, perspective.

Maybe it's the way you're wording your validation? Try playing with your wording.

Instead of "I'm sorry you had such a busy week" try something like "Hope your busy week didn't wear you out too much; I know how that goes and hooo boy!" or something.

Just a thought. Hang in there. *hug*

hmmm, you validating is good but he seems to not get it. Maybe he's just one of those guys who doesn't need to be empathized with. Odd.

He seems so self-involved right now it's not even funny. I can see how you don't want to inconvenience yourself for one second because of his schedule given your recent injury and how "me, me, me" he is.

I'm so sorry, Claire. He's a bit of a DB, if you know what i mean. I hate that for you. ((((hugs))))

That's really helpful, two-sided coin. Thanks.

One of my biggest complaints (and something others have noticed, too), is that he has difficulty expressing (and feeling?) empathy for others. So, it has crossed my mind that perhaps he is not moved by validation of his feelings because it just doesn't occur to him that one's feelings need to be validated? I dunno. That seems like such an oversimplification. And yet, this has been a pattern, so I'm stumped.

I'm starting to mind read. And yet, I have a WAH who never told me how dire our situation was and then just walked out the door and has not really opened up since. So, 1) he doesn't share feelings freely, even before BD, and 2) he has established that what he presents to me is NOT what he is actually feeling.

So, it is tempting to mind-read.

What a day. I'm hoping this means I'm about to take a leap forward because I sure do feel stuck in the mud at the moment.

I am so thankful this year is over. And I pray for continued strength, health, peace, courage and healing in the new year.

Claire, I'm sorry this isn't the new year you wanted. For what it's worth, I think you're displaying a tremendous amount of patience with your WAH. He truly seems unable to consider others at the moment. Was he always like that, or did that start at BD?

Did you end up going to any services together?