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Thank you Nitty ..... and yes .. yesterday I did have to stop myself from the self pitty party thinking this B day was worse than last year, but in a way its actually been better.... Keeping PMA and knowing I have made progress.

So ... Weekend Update (Play SNL Music)

Saturday morning I had to wake up early, I am the asst coach for S7's soccer team, and the Head Coach could not make the game ... so just me and those 8 little boys at 8:00 a.m., W actually showed up on time ... (180 for her ... is SHE DBing???!!! lol). Well I had an absolute blast, joking with the parents, the kids, the other teams kids, .... had everyone laughing, I just was really enjoying myself. W was there but honestly I didn't even notice. So after the game she asked if we could have breakfast, I agreed, we ate and she said it was the most amazing breakfast she has had in a long time ( The irony .... she ordered what I have ordered for years). I paid for breakfast and told her I had things to do, (Was just work) and I would see her later as we agreed on dinner later that night. I told her I was going to church ... she told me she went with S on Friday ... implying that we didn't have to go ... I held firm and said I was still going and would meet up with them afterwards. This was a GaL/180 thing I did long prior to even knowing what DB was and something I do for me.

So I finish church, and ask if she wants to meet at the restaurant or me come by, she invites me over, and she actually dressed up a bit, and had my son all done up. She invited me in and had S give me some gifts, first was a matching T shirt that he was wearing, then a necklace with a cross (Replacing one I had loaned her that she misplaced). Then a desk/art thing with a verse ""With God, all things are possible." .... now I did not want to mindread, nor do I know if S or W picked this out .... but it did make me pause for thought. I was happy she did get me these things and they were of religious nature. So we went to dinner, a place her and her friend went to after a jog, it was good .... after I took them home and told them thank you and good night, she invited me in saying there was a suprise. She actually baked me a cake, my fav .... very nice gesture, I was stuffed from dinner and declined ... we did swipe a bit of frosting each with a laugh as S ate his piece that he was not going to be denied. So that was a nice gesture on her part that I thanked her for.
Next morning, another early one, I arrive at her place and help wake S, we drive up to see her brother, was a good trip all in all ... nothing really happened good/bad .. just an enjoyable day all things considered

So the weekend, a few things I mentally noted to write down as positives.

1. She actually baked me a cake ... wow
2. There was a nice hug ... where she steps on my feet, one of those cute things she does that melts me, and makes me feel like we connect (something I have been struggling with ... we both are guarded ... I have not pressed the issue .. just taking it as it comes)
3. Sunday during lunch, we were eating with her father, she looked at me and told me she really liked the greys that I have. (a compliment, in a strange way ... but still .. she is noticing me again)
4. Driving home, I got a little flirtacious elbow hit ... I'll take any forms of these.
5. After the weekend she thanked me for going even if I was not at 100% ... (there was a point Sunday she insisted on driving as I started in with a headache ... fell asleep on her moms couch for about an hour at one point)
6. There were a few 180's noticed by her, and after each one I could see her wheels cranking ... one was the patience I showed while she spent an hour at the verizon store ... this was always something that drove me nuts ... but I would stand patiently and when I found myself getting tense (by the 1000 questions she asks) I just walked around like I was browsing .. it worked perfectly! The other, I can not recall what it was but she was shocked and said "Really??!!!" and I confirmed whatever it was .. and she just said .. huh .. and sat in silence for some time.


So .. weekend went well, this week will be stressful for her, I have a full plate aswell ... but I will remain PMA, going to start running again this week, I just need to get through the next few weeks, her family issues, my audit, then I need to move ... I think after that I will press a bit and see where she is with the OM, if she will now agree to work on the M, or if I need to cut the cake eat if that's still going on ... seems the weekends she has been with me, I know M and Thurs she does IC and the Church support group (I think she is going to this .. not sure) ... but Last Tuesday my ears perked up .. felt like she was at a date, or out with someone .. .I have no idea .. nor did I allow myself to think the worst .. I just let it go.

Things are better, but I feel the urge to press, I am fighting that urge .... I know there is more work to be done and I need to not scare her off.

Wow, you did have a great birthday. And it was a way better birthday because you are being your best and truest self.

You are not playing games, not pretending to be someone you're not in order to reel her in. You are being your best self because you are being true to yourself and God, and in so doing, are being true to everyone else (including her).

This is still a struggle for me but you sound like you're nailing it.

Going to church (after her hint that there was no reason to go) was perfect because 1) it was authentic and 2) it had nothing to do with her.

I like how you just let the possible Tuesday date go. But let's say she did have a date last Tuesday: how can any OM compare to what she has left behind? She's got to see that and if she doesn't, she isn't ready to follow you on this path. I feel like this is a weakness of mine. I feel like I am turning back to meet Mr. Gritty and try to help him along. I do not want to lose the hard-won changes I've made.



As you continue to gently pull away that would be a form of pressing it a bit, wouldn't it? I keep thinking of Starsky's story, where he was moving on, living his best life, and she started to realize she was losing him and told him so, which was where he told her what needed to be done to work on the M.

Oh I would not say "Nailing It" ... lol I too struggle but there are parts of me, changes I have made that I do like about myself now ... other area I still have some serious remodeling to do

I think that's where I struggle, just the way she is .. nothing is ever enough, and to be honest she just has never appreciated what she has, there is always something better ... she is aware of this behavior to a point .. but its still deeply rooted inside of her.
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As you continue to gently pull away that would be a form of pressing it a bit, wouldn't it? I keep thinking of Starsky's story, where he was moving on, living his best life, and she started to realize she was losing him and told him so, which was where he told her what needed to be done to work on the M. [/quote]

And this is a perfect transition into my update..... I am not so sure if I am in fact pulling away. (Hang with me I am frustrated this morning) I told her 3 weeks ago that I wanted to work on M, there can be no contact with OM, I would want a NC and full transparency .... she made her counter points .. valid .. so we kind of decided on a truce more or less for a bit .. no time set ... but honestly things have been good since we have done that ... limbo ... but good.

I have to find a new place, the woman who rented me a room met a fella online, 3 months later they are in love and getting married, she is selling the house (I wonder which one will be at this forum first .. lol) So, some of the old anger seems to have come back, here I am again ... with the dog and my S part time trying to find a room and an environment safe for both and will be accepting of my sitch. I found a place last night ... seems a good fit .... but I am upset as I know her lease is up in 2 months ... rather than commit and say ok .. lets get a house and work on our M and have our family back ... there is nothing. Now before you all pull out the 2x4's ... I get it .. we are not there, not ready ... but it just makes me have to realize that its going to be another year of this, she will either renew the lease at her appt where her and OM were able to do their thing (On MY BED) ... or she finds a new place and again .. another year lease.

I thought I had let go of some of that ^^ anger ... but its still there, still hurts ... and I was not prepared to deal with the truth that I still have a long journey ahead, still have the holidays to suffer through alone for the second year.

I heard yesterday in a sermon, that people who journal their pain are healthier, less depressed, and end up happier ... I hope that is true, getting this out here does help.

So this morning I dropped off S, reminded W that I needed to sign the tax docs, she asked me what was wrong, if she did anything, I told her I was just having a bad day and I am dealing with it ... little backslide on my PMA but I did not take it out on her, she asked about my headaches and I said it was there but I see the optometrist Thursday. I asked about her brother and told her to keep me informed and I left. Very well could have been a fight had I opened up and told her what I was feeling ... but I kept it under wraps .. so maybe a small victory for the home team.

Mini update.

So yesterday morning W TM me about S and all he did, I validated and told her I think he is upset with me moving again .... she went MLC on me and started her spew .. I went dark and in about an hour she apologized and said she was having issues with heatlh and S just triggered it. I was surprised she actually apologized that quickly ... thats new. So day went by she was pretty quiet really, end of the day I was at work and was thinking about today ... her brothers hearing and its going to be a tense moment for her. I hand wrote a letter, nothing about M or R .... just a letter letting her know I understood how hard today would be, that I was praying for her, her brother and her family, that S and I were here and she was not going through it alone .... and ended it at that. signed it .. no "Love" ... left it at her door. She TM when she got home thanking me for the letter and that it was nice. Talked to S and nothing else from her. I TM her this mornign told her to drive safe and again said I was praying. She has been short and distant this week, understandable ... I was hoping to be there for her but I think she has realized she uses me as a crutch and has started to pull back from that. I am thinking I need to detach again, but did not want to miss a chance to be there emotionally, just going to play it by ear. I have been getting tired of this rope and it very well may be time to let it go .... she usually will rell me in a bit by this point'

I am conflicted ... and want off this ride, but I still want my marriage and my wife back, I have been questioning my own reasons for this as of late.

What are your questions/reasons? This is the good part, though tough as h3ll...

I guess I am currently looking at the relationship, she takes, I give .. was always like that, I lost me along the way, lost being " a man" so to speak. She had to be in control of everything and honestly it was not worth the fight to me after awhile. I question how my needs will be filled, I also question the A, there is not remorse from her, I think there is guilt, maybe she is still getting over the A, maybe she is still in the A and just happy to have her and I get along so its no stress in her life I don't know, so there is no closing that chapter and moving on with the next as we have not discussed where we are going .. its just been a month of ... hey everything has been nice, lets not rock the boat ... BUT its been friendly and nothing even remote to a date, romantic, .... nothing more than a hug (sometimes these have been the good hug, ... is that all its going to be?)

With a possible move pending, I am dealing with the emotions of moving last year, knowing in my gut something was wrong (I figured OM) and then 2 months later finding out, reliving those emotions as of late, her having OM and his 2 kids over with mine as "play dates".... holidays ... and with that the pain that comes with it, here come the holidays again. WAW and I had not had sex in 3 1/2 years, I was lead to believe it was her medical issues .... 5 months later she gets an STD from OM .... yeah ... I am still upset about this and honestly thought I was past it, still stings.

How do you think that came about?

In most R's, the partners trade off being givers/takers at various times, trading off is "normal" ... so how did this imbalance come about?

How did you lose you? Why?

Why did she have to be in control of everything? How did you contribute to that?

You are still pretty fresh with all of this. So it IS gonna sting for a bit...

Just realize that it only stings as much as YOU allow it to sting....

As for the rest...???

I found that I placed too much power into my MLCer's hands and allowed fear to hold me back...

So it wasn't that I didn't know what I wanted to do. It was because I was too afraid to make MY plans to get there...

It also changed for me, when I realized that my MLCer wasn't doing this TO me. And that she was doing this for herself...

And when that happened, I figured out that I had the SAME option. To find out who I was, without all of the MLC head spinning and guilt that the MLCer feels....


So whats holding YOU back ????

I feel the same way about my H and my marriage. My sitch is going in a positive direction but I'm conflicted. I fear him going all MLC on me again, and frankly, it's going to happen. I can't forget that.

No matter what happens, I think we'll be conflicted, LOL.



That is so much like Starsky's story (back when he was Chocolateeyes).

Mach1

Yeah I see a few things here .. thank you for making me look at ME .. and what I can do .. I realize I need to stop focusing on HER. In some ways I have done things for me, things I have not told her nor feel a need to. I like who I am becoming ... but I miss the comfort of the family that I guess I always assumed would be there, sure we fought, but never did I think of leaving her.
What am I afraid of, and what is holding me back , probably the same answer... its the rope. I know my head says drop it, she has to go through this and it will take a long time, she has turned into a person that I don't know anymore, and as I have been asked, do I love her, or the memory of her. That is tough, I am afraid of a broken family when I know we could have been so much better off ... but I know these things are out of my control regardless of my fears, I need to continue to give it to God and pray His plan has a better life for me, with or without her.