Sorry I missed you on Yahoo last night. I am trying to finalize all of the stuff for this conference I am planning. It is fast approaching - March 19th. My H is helping a friend redo his bathroom, so he hasn't been around as much to let me get computer time alone.
Anyway, how is it going? Any news on the H front? I know that when they return that the hard work begins. That makes me wonder what we have been doing so far is - the warm-up routine? If so, I am warmed-up and ready to work out now.
Hopefully you can share your experiences and give us who hope to have their S home soon the benefit of them.
How is your S holding up? Is he getting as messy playing outside in the melting snow as my kids are? My S5 comes in soaked through every night so I have to wash his jacket, snowpants, boot liners, etc each night.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your H. I hope he will continue to recognize what he has in you and your S and that will give him the strenght to do whatever it takes....
Hang in there. You are a great DBer!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Things are going quite well. Sunday after ice fishing, H and I went to a movie together. We haven't done that in YEARS! Our snow is pretty much history!
H has been loving towards me, he's thoughtful. He's been initiating kisses good night, kisses good bye in the morning. Told me this morning to have a good day.
I read on someone's thread this morning about "their H's depending on them" sorry can't remember which one. It got me thinking about my H and the way he "depends" on me, "needs" me. It's one of those "light bulb" moments that's stil processing.
We don't have any R talks. In a way it's like H was never gone. We haven't talked at all about last year. I catch myself wanting to ask about OW and the things they did together, his feeings about his life, how he felt about himself while he was away. But don't.
I'm letting H take the lead for now with any R talks. H has never been a "talker" or shared too many of his feelings with me so I'm struggling as to the best way to get H to open up to me. I think H expects me to read his mind and know what he "needs" from me
I know H likes attention, the same way my S does, if I'm not paying attention H/S will act out. In the past I'd blow it off, call my H a child and tell H to get over it. Now I'm paying more attention to this behavior, thinking on it. I need to show H on a daily basis that I do care for him, just casual touching, eye contact, smiles just for him, little things for H. Fill up his luv tank. I wasn't very good about it in the past.
I'm still having a hard time with the MLC stuff. I don't know where he is with that anymore? It's like it's disappeared? Or maybe it's resting beneath the surface, like a volcano and that it'll start to boil again and explode!
Quote: ACCEPTANCE
The Mid Lifer has navigated through five stages of his/her Mid Life crisis by now, and begins into the final stage--Acceptance.
Now, Acceptance is entered in "Stages" Three, to be exact.
Stage ONE involves the disintegration of his/her personality, the "veil" is lifted showing the Mid Lifer EVERYTHING, no holds barred, and he/she realizes for the first time just how much damage has been done to their marriage, lives and spouse. The spouse will be surprised to see "children" surface, as well as "flashes" of the "old" personality, "new" personality, good AND bad personalities. I have described it as similar to schizophrenia, Three faces of Eve, etc.
But, I promise they are NOT crazy, this is what is MEANT to happen, for the Mid Life Crisis extracts a CHANGE, and the disintegration is a part of it, as they are FORCED to look at every facet of their personalities and make some permanent changes. The key to helping them through is to ACCEPT what you see as it comes forth, and don't ridicule or shame them-you will see little kids picking their nose for example--I saw this happen. They will apologize for everything under the sun, and try really hard to make up for the damage; for a little while.
Now during stage TWO of Acceptance, will come the temptations to want to go back to what they came out of. The silence of the spouse is most important during this time-all you can do is be understanding and patient with them as this MUST happen and they MUST come through alone. They will SEEM to be going backward, but aren't, this is necessary for them to move forward. It is during this time they will "revisit" ALL stages of the Mid Life Crisis except Denial and shuts the "doors" to each stage PERMANENTLY one by one, never to return. If they give in to temptation OR get spooked by their final fears, they WILL run BACK into the tunnel a little ways. But they can only run back as far as the doors have NOT been closed permanently; most of the time they just run back as far as WITHDRAWAL, but will continue the process to come out once they feel "safe" to continue. So, they must be allowed to come through WITHOUT interruption, no matter what happens.
Stage THREE involves the "archway" I spoke of in the Stage of Withdrawal-all this time the Mid Lifer has been coming across this open field toward this Archway, where his "final fears" are located and he finally begins to face these fears in full-he may come out of the tunnel and face them BEFORE he/she shuts the door to Depression/Withdrawal or afterwards. But he/she will have to face them, nevertheless, before he exits to begin his/her complete healing process.
It takes awhile for the Mid Lifer to get settled down, even after he/she comes out of stage three of the Acceptance stage-they will experience a final "rebelling" before they settle down for good.
It is much like a teen-ager who has passed into manhood/womanhood-there are still final changes that must be made, especially for the one who has done so much damage during the crisis itself.
But if he/she can settle everything within themselves, their lives should be marked with a sense of peace, instead of the anguish they have known for as long as they were within the crisis. And they will have learned many things concerning life, and will be changed permanently as they will NEVER be the same, ever again.
Not certain on how long it takes to complete, I just know it takes awhile to get things settled once again-possibly 6-9 months or so, and I'm just guessing.
They will SEEM to be going backward, but aren't, this is necessary for them to move forward.
I read this today and maybe he is in the acceptance stage, when he "ran" a week ago? I think he was gone long enough from OW's that going back the last time was DIFFERENT! And H noticed it for the first time!
H doesn't seem as withdrawn as he was up until the last time he left. When he came back he did move back into our bed right away. Said he wasn't sleeping downstairs any more, seeks me out during the night, wants to be close to me.
When we are sitting together like at the movie, I try to have contact with H, just knees touching anything to bring us closer. Haven't been giving H hugs or kisses for the heck of it yet, but in time.
I don't have the fear that H will run again whereas I did before. I am finally at peace in a way that I never thought possible. The anxiety, the fear of the unknown is gone. I don't think I'll ever be as afraid/anxious as I was when this "rollercoaster ride" started many months ago. For one thing I'm off the ride, finally!
I don't think this new me is so noticeable on the outside to people, but on the inside it's very noticeable...to me
It's in a way frustrating when you have a loooong catch up to do...all the things you burn to say (I, for example, was READY for you to let him have it and call his bluff!), are said for you!
No matter...this is GREAT news, Cath.
And yes, your time will come...it has to, doesn't it? There ARE questions to ask...I still have many...don't be surprised to hear a lot of "I don't know why"...
Miracle, two of the players from that awesome game are well known locals.
I'm just thinking back to last night and H's mood. Kind of somber looking back on his words from last night, I think he wasn't liking himself very much and projecting some of his pain onto me, trying to push buttons.
I'm going to VENT a little. I don't know hat was going through his head, but OW is selling her bass boat, it's posted at one of the sporting good stores and H came up with the idea that he wants to buy it!! It's a good deal he said. I was stunned and said no! He just doesn't get it either, why I would have a problem with his buying her boat...hello!! I sarcastically remarked "oh so she's not fishing anymore? Hmmmm she bought it because she wanted to try something different and now she's selling it? hmmm"" I mean is my H really that blind or he just stupid?! The boat is in my H's name, also.
H said that OW's called him a couple times this week, left messages, since H hasn't been answering his cell phone. Asked H when he was going to stop and get the rest of his stuff?!! I asked what he had there and he said some clothes and some medicine (he really doesn't need it either). H said "it's just a ploy to get me over there" H told OW not to call him, H was sick of her and he was leaving and she calls him! Is she that stupid or just that desparate!
He wouldn't let the subject of the boat go either. When he got into bed he said "so you really don't want me to buy the boat?" I said "figure it out".
H then asked "if I cared if he was back/if I cared that he was gone" I said yes I do care that you're back, I'm glad that you're back. H said "no you don't" so I just said "okay" and that conversation ended. I can't convince H that I care, so I wasn't going to argue with him. So we layed there a for a minute and I said good night to H, reached over and gave him a kiss and said "I'm glad you're back" and we went to sleep.
This morning he said good bye to me before he left for work. I called him this morning, yes he took his cellphone to work with him, that lasted about a week. But I knew that wouldn't last. Someone had just called our house and I thought it was H. It wasn't, but H asked me to cancel a doc appt. for him.
I know it's scary. These ow are desparate!! That's why they continue to call. Do you know just exactly what it is that she can giv him that you need to work on? You need to keep dbing and stay centered.
{{{{Cathy }}}}
Pattie
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
and know what he "needs" from me 