HB's husband was not home with her all the time. He did not move out, but he was a truck driver. He is on the road most of the time. Spending nights away from her and her son.
Just because he did not move out of the house, doesn't mean that he was there with her. She had her separation because of him being on the road.
This is a very difficult time for you right now and I understand that, but you must hold onto you and what you have learned through this so far. This is going to carry you through this.
I have no idea what is going through your husband's head right now and neither do you. Have you ever been in a position where every thing was closing in on you and you thought that you were going to suffocate? That is where he is at right now.
He is screaming for someone to pull him out of this, but you can not do it. The only person that can pull him out is himself. There is nothing that you can do that can fix this or make it different. This is happening for a reason and the reason is for him.
You only have two choices, one is to stick it out and see what it going to happen and the other is to walk away from him. T24 is right about it turning into a cancer for you.
I wouldn't make any decisions until after you get through the emotional part of this. Then make your decision as to what you feel you can or can not do. Then it won't be made on emotions, but made on what you know to be right.
None of us live with him or know what he is really like. You are the only person that knows this and you are the only person that knows you other then the Lord. The Lord knows what you can and can not handle. He is there with you right now and will help you through this.
Look at Deb as well, not to long ago she was in your shoes and her husband ran again. So this does happen in this MLC. This isn't just your husband. Although your situation is different, it still happened to her.
You are going to be okay and you will know what you need to do when the time comes.
I usually just read but read your post and said had to respond. I haven't read the beginning posts since I didn't take all that time to find them. Been quite busy but I thought I would say a few things.
This isn't about you...its him. He is looking for someone to accept his drinking and do as HE wants. But you will, no matter what, feel slighted if you do it all. To me its cowardly to leave like that. Mine would threaten it too if he couldn't get it all his way.
Mine drank but can't now since he is in jail. That is hitting it rock bottom. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. It takes time away to feel what it is like without them putting you down and discrediting everything you do. You will feel the need to try and get him back ASAP. I can't blame you. But that is codependency on your part. Why people like us are like that and need someone there to put what we do down is beyond me. We need a partner in life that lifts us up not a person to bring us down.
See a abuser will act angry and swear to SHUT you up. To get you to eat all you feel inside. To make you feel like something is wrong with you.
And the ow....well an abuser without help will not change his spots until he recognizes it is him and not just you. He will blame you for it but it will for sure follow and he will show the same stuff to this ow. When she tires of it, unless she is the codependent type, he will then try to come back to your good graces. Its all the same. Same pattern in them all. Its sad cause under the alcohol and that, they are pretty nice. They were screwed up in childhood probably. Look at how he grew up and he is probably doing the same patterns in life that his parents did.
Draw the lines. Make it difficult for him to return. Show him you won't accept his behaviors like they are now. Make yourself worth it for him to want to change. Most will return...they just try and punish you. Another abusive tactic they have. If they don't, its their too ashamed of what they have done.
Well, this is long enough. I gotta go and take care of an ailing dog. Just think about what I said and know that you shouldn't be told like a child to do anything. That your not that stupid that you don't know when your child has to eat but that you should be his partner and not be treated with such disrespect and for him to order you around and swear at you like a child. It probably has been much worse and if not it can be. He needs to grow up some and not going off like a child that doesn't get their way. By you changing the steps a bit he can learn new ones. See you can't change him. He has to want to change. So you set boundaries and what you will and will not accept. He learns on his own what you want and need. How to treat you with respect is by not allowing you to be disrespected. Its how much you allow him to treat you like he is. Yelling back angrily won't help but stating how you feel when he says something like he did could help. That you not going to stay there and listen to someone belittle you anymore. And if he wants home, he needs to show you some respect b4 he comes back. Otherwise the door stays shut till he nudges it open a bit and gets your attention of how HE changed. But first you need to change some by not allowing him to treat you that way to begin with and what to do if he disrespects you.
No big decisions being made today. My head is all over the place today. If this is what H is going through 24/7 then I don't envy him at all.
With MLC, when do they come out of the tunnel? Is it acceptance or once they complete all six stages? If H is in withdrawl, my understanding is that H can only run so far back into the tunnel or is that wrong when they're as screwed up as my H?
H knows OW isn't good for him. He told me not to long after he moved back, the night of the BIG blow up, that he "probably loved" OW, wanted to be with her, and yet he couldn't figure out why he felt so shi**y. H also said he'd wished he'd never met her, he wanted to take a gun to his head and blow it off. I'm assuming he's still feeling this way and that running to OW again, living with OW is going to be a lot different then before H moved back here at the beginning of this year. H wants to be with OW, but if he's in withdrawl then OW isn't going to be able to do anything for H either, take away his pain. Am I trying to say that what originally attraced H to OW isn't going to work this time. H's pain is going to follow him to OW and things there are going to detiorate IF H doesn't move completely back in with OW.
Quote: He is screaming for someone to pull him out of this, but you can not do it. The only person that can pull him out is himself. There is nothing that you can do that can fix this or make it different. This is happening for a reason and the reason is for him.
Why can't he make a decision? What is he waiting for? I am praying and doing a lot of thinking on what it is I NEED to do for ME, for own son, for OUR sanity.
Something is telling me to hang in there a little longer and then the logical side of me says "you would be so much better off without H in your life" H is mean, abusive, he is insane and an alcoholic, H needs help and maybe it's time someone told him that..for his own sake.
Left, To be honest with you, this is exactly what your h is going through 24/7 and it's not a pretty picture for him.
I'm sorry I don't know your whole story, but from what I've read here, I would have to say your h is more in the replay stage then withdrawal. The true withdrawal stage is after the ow is out of the picture including out of his mind, and he's moved on beyond replay. Replay, especially if there is still some of the anger stage can become volatile at times and they will run again. Things are not settled in their minds yet and they are still in the "teenager" stage and truly don't know what they want. They can act withdrawn in this stage, but it's more of a replay/teenager type of withdrawal. I'm not sure if I'm making sense, but if you read Snodderly's thread you mentioned a few more times, things may be a little more clear.
Oh Sting...this makes my heart drop...to think he's nowhere's near where I thought he was in MLC. What a mess we're in. This is the second time he's moved back. Once in November for a week. He was here for a weekend in December and then moved everything back January 2.
And now he's on his way back out again...I just don't know anymore.
What you just told me makes me think this will never end. Isn't Replay right after denial?
His mlc will most definitely end, it will just take some time. Replay is after anger. Every mlcer's timeframe is different, some shorter than others. Your h may work through the tunnel faster than others, it really depends upon their childhoods and also how you treat him during this. I know I was convinced my h was in withdrawal when he left because he just disappeared, however, it wasn't the true withdrawal. Your h just wasn't quite ready to come back yet as he's battling with his demons still. Please don't lose heart, you have a good head on your shoulders and your h will calm down soon from this little episode. Keep doing what you were doing because it truly does help.
Quote: The Lord knows what you can and can not handle.
When I first started date H, it was right after I had started my journey with myself. I didn't date anybody seriously until I was in my early 30's, met H, he wasn't the most honest guy then either. #2 had left him in February of that year, I had met him in June of that year. H never told me he was married twice, told me about the first time, but not the second. Just made it sound like they lived together. I lost myself to my first love, I didn't care about anything and my journey stalled until the bomb! I felt so good about myself before I met H! I feel that way now again and won't lose that feeling.
I found out through a phone book of all places that they had the same last name and then confronted H on the phone and the line went dead! I had caught him hiding something from me right away!
I did question whether it was smart to date H, he had baggage, but remember saying to myself the very thing I quoted from you above!
I feel like I'm watching a horror mystery flick. I don't want to watch it, but I won't shut it off and I can't turn my eyes away until the end.
I said this earlier something is telling me to be patient and to not give up yet. If I did give up now and tell H it's over, it would be more to get back at him and OW. Something like this: Tell H to his face, you don't want me then fine, I'm moving on. You and her have a fine life together, but I'll be watching you both like hawks when S is around! If there's any drinking at all by either of you, I'll have Social Services at the door.
Maybe that something is God. I just don't know, but my gut says wait it out and to not make any decisions that H has to make for himself.
still haven't figured out how to pretty them up..Pam...sweetie...
If anyone knows my sitch, they'd tell you I've been doing great with this whole thing. I think I've got the biggest mess on my hands or maybe the wackiest I don't know, but sometimes I'm amazed at how much I can endure.
Funny thing is, I feel good. I don't feel the way I did the last time H moved out. I have felt good these last months, to be really honest H hasn't been able to get any reactions out of me until last night. But then the last couple of days he's been trying like crazy to get me to react, he wanted me to throw him out, but I didn't. So he snuck off, how childish.
OW accepts his drinking and lets H do what he wants to..she's that pathetic. H is killing himself with all his drinking, H is not healthy, if it's not one thing it's something else.
Quote: Draw the lines. Make it difficult for him to return. Show him you won't accept his behaviors like they are now. Make yourself worth it for him to want to change. Most will return...they just try and punish you. Another abusive tactic they have. If they don't, its their too ashamed of what they have done.
I'm thinking along these lines. I deserve to be respected by my H, my partner. H has never been that partner or H.
I like not having H here, it's easier to make plans, to do things. Everything I do I feel has to be "okayed" with my H and then he'll give me a hard time about anything I do do. Questions me, wants to know why "I have to go the Mall" why I have to "work late", why I have to "meet friends" and then he just does whatever he wants to. He's a selfish, selfish man, always has been.
When H was growing up or in high school, his father worked construction and was gone during the week. So his mom ran the roost. For some reason she liked to get H in trouble with his dad. She'd make things about what H had done. H's mom is an alcoholic, also. H referred to his mother as a backstabber. I remember one time last year I had to ask H for his half of the bills and he got so ugly about it..said "you're a backstabber" and I don't know where that came from or why my asking him for money, which is owed for bills, brough this out of him. H's dad verbally abused him and beat him, too. H's dad never came to any of H's sporting events either. H was the star quarterback and the star basketball player and ran track. H was a great athlete. My H was offered football scholarships to some of the biggest schools, but because his parents had not clue and weren't supportive, H turned them down and entered the service, he was a Marine! Married his high school sweetheart, they were married for 11 years and she walked out on H. H messed around and met another woman, who he married, after months of ups and downs with her, she was wacko and she walked out on him about year after they were married. H moved her all over the state, as H worked on the road a lot and she wanted to be with H. #2 moved here from her home state and wasn't happy here. H pretty much was a puppet on a strong with #2, quit drinking quit hunting, let her have control of all the money..what a mistake.
So H had a screwed up childhood and has been screwed up ever since.
Cathy--my own PMA is rotten right now, and I don't want to discourage you with my own stuff.
There are a couple of past experiences that I've had with the disease that I did want to share with you. Whether or not it fits in your case is up to you to decide.
Everytime my 1st H would really screw up when under the influence, he would try a period of sobriety. He would try to be super-nice to me and the kids (I think the kids began to believe that everytime dad got drunk and mean meant they got to go pick out whatever they wanted at Toys R Us the next day. I wouldn't last very long, though, and soon he would start watching me like a hawk--waiting for anything I did "wrong" for him to pick a fight about--then he would storm off, get drunk and the cycle would repeat itself again.
In the end, I was grateful that he had the disease. He became weaker, and I became stronger--so I could get away from him without having to live in fear of our lives for daring to get away. He was no longer capable of carrying through with his threats to harm us.
What was really my saving grace though, was that he met another woman who was a much better at being a co-dependent and putting up with dysfunction and abuse than I had ever been. Once he had a new victim--he started to leave me alone.
If your H was watching and waiting for you to "screw up" so he could run back to OW and he could drink--it has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. There is no winning in that game.
If he did go back to OW--it could be that he needs someone much sicker than you are.
As it stands now, you all of this is guessing. You don't know what he's doing or where he is at. Even if it is worse case scenario, I have seen some pretty far-gone people get into treatment and straighten out their lives--and it's only on you to know if that is worth hoping for.
In my ex-H's case, he went from bad to worse--and beyond. He is dying a slow painful death from his alcoholism. He is on SSDI because he has done so much physical harm to himself--so he doesn't work--he just drinks now and goes through days on end of blackout. Once in a while, he calls here on the pretext of wanting to talk to one of the boys--but starts being abusive to anyone who answers the phone. We call around the family members and warn that he is on a drunken telephone jag again, because he will try to go down the list of us, hitting redial over and over. Very, very sad.
