This may strike some as strange .. but for me its been working, and helping me understand a few things that currently have been going on .. and looking back its something I should have been doing. Reading the DB book I came up with the idea to track my days with W .... 3 categories. +, -, and Z ... pretty simple ... Positive days, Negative/Backslides, and Z is no/little contact. I will make the size of the symbol reflect the sitch ... goal was to avoid the negatives, and try to string as many positives as possible.
I was just trying to create an Excel sheet to do this! But couldn't figure out a simple way. I think your method will work for me, thank you!
Great minds think alike. It's too hard to test and monitor results without some kind of tracking system.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
I was just trying to create an Excel sheet to do this! But couldn't figure out a simple way. I think your method will work for me, thank you!
Great minds think alike. It's too hard to test and monitor results without some kind of tracking system.
Just posted on your sitch.... but yeah , This really started helping me and made detaching a bit easier to grasp when I realized that a Z was far better than a negative day ... and now .. hind sight .. the stringed Z's have lead to more +'s
Please be careful here Caliguy, You ended your post with "... looks like she is wanting to try...". Just be very careful there. It was just a few days ago she and you had a fight and both you and her were "done". This sounds a lot like the pursuer/distance dance to me. You fought, she got worried, you went to an emotional thing (her brother in jail) with her and was nice, touching, etc. Be ready for the distance and darkness that is to come. This is what's called having "expectations". She was nice and seeming like she wanted to try one day and now you "expect" that to be the same a day, week, month later. Expect that to change on a dime and as you saw when you were hit with the blame when the nanny said something to her, YOU don't have to do anything to cause her to change. In fact it has nothing to do with you, really. It's inside her where her pain lies, she is just blaming you in hopes that she can stop the pain.
Enjoy the times when things seem better. Use them to learn and recharge but be careful that it won't change fast and for no reason. Keep up the GALing and 180's, you're doing well.
Please be careful here Caliguy, You ended your post with "... looks like she is wanting to try...". Just be very careful there. It was just a few days ago she and you had a fight and both you and her were "done". This sounds a lot like the pursuer/distance dance to me. You fought, she got worried, you went to an emotional thing (her brother in jail) with her and was nice, touching, etc. Be ready for the distance and darkness that is to come. This is what's called having "expectations". She was nice and seeming like she wanted to try one day and now you "expect" that to be the same a day, week, month later. Expect that to change on a dime and as you saw when you were hit with the blame when the nanny said something to her, YOU don't have to do anything to cause her to change. In fact it has nothing to do with you, really. It's inside her where her pain lies, she is just blaming you in hopes that she can stop the pain.
Enjoy the times when things seem better. Use them to learn and recharge but be careful that it won't change fast and for no reason. Keep up the GALing and 180's, you're doing well.
Matt
Yeah I know you are right .... damn it ... lol
I guess its the good exchanges that keep a person holding the rope, and it does seem when I am ready to let it go she makes sure I don't ... I realize now she needs a gift of time to sort her stuff out, which it does seem that she is doing now that she has IC and the Church sessions scheduled on 2 of the 3 free nights she has during the week. ... the other one I am sure she will do the gym. All good for her and I pray there are some changes and awakenings. I do fear her family being in my corner .... but its not because of anything I am doing other than just being me.
The thing that gets me is when she makes an effort, like last night and today to atleast communicate, share her days thoughts with me it does give me expectations ... I am so fortunate to have this place to keep that in check and take it at face value and not put more into it than I should .. its so easy to want to hold onto that so tight it basically shoves the WAS away again.
So just an update .... I went back and read the first few pages of my sitch just to landmark where I was and where I am now. Atleast in my sitch there has not been serious D talk for some time (Knock on wood)
So last night as scheduled I have S call her, I was folding laundry and honestly not hanging on every word. She chatted with him, asked how I was (This is new) and even told him to have me call her later. I thought about calling her ... was watching the game then my roomate dropped the bomb, she is getting married, selling the house, I have 60 days ... give or take to find a new place, so the stress has gone up a bit. Rent here is cheap, good location, and I can have my Lab (Family dog I refused to let go of) .... so I was looking at places, stressing out and decided that was no frame of mind to chat with her.
Dropped off S this morning, we briefly chatted, she asked if I read S pages, I told her I hadn't, but would (This disappointed her) .... I told her he did clear all this weeks homework ... then I asked how she was ... she was not good, (PMS time .. its not unusual) so I smiled and hugged her, she hugged back hard. She mentioned her arm was tingling and she had not slept, she wanted to call me but didnt want to wake me up, I told her I was in and out all night due to the news on the place I am at, she told me she hates her life, I tried to be positive and validate, told her she seemed to be on the right path, shared a touching story our S did with me last night ... and she replied that she is the evil one, that she looks horrible, I again was just being supportive. I told her that I really hoped she had a great day. Then I left. I did TM her just to tell her I hoped her day was going well around 11, she replied "Its OK" .... then "Sorry I'm just really down" I replied "Its ok, I know you were having a bad morning, would you like to have dinner?" (180 for me here) she replied "Maybe" I just left it at that ... figured anything more would be pursuing a touch much. I think I will just go ahead with dinner plans at my place with S and let her be.
One of the things we discussed Sunday was the fact she felt I was not calling nor texting... so I am on the ropes of if I should make an effort to contact a little more now or not. I know she does not like the fact no one in her family will call and check in on her. I am still thinking about this ... might just call to chat this week and see how that is accepted ... a little experiment if you will.
Pretty quiet yesterday and this moring. W was confused as to what days we agreed to have S .. I had him last night and she thought she did. I told her we talked about this Sunday, and she told me it was ok she did'nt want to be alone. S called at 8 as usual, she sounded upbeat and happy. Me however .. I am struggling. Work is stressful, now I have to find a new place to live .... was hoping by now we would have figured things out ... I really do not want to sign a year lease ... just cements in my head my M could very well be over. Talking to her this morning, I know I looked like crap, didn't sleep, had a bad headache ... she did give me a hug and we talked about S and school, and she told me about her work and has a new recruiter looking for her to land a better job. I left ... inside I am just sad and depressed, I just feel like she no longer needs me, nor loves me ... and its killing me. Self Esteem is shot, I know its all the stress adding up and taking its toll ... just not a good day for me. I really wish we could connect .... but I know she has me at a distance and until she needs me I am set out in the cold and I just hate it. My faith is starting to fail, it really felt like God was stepping in at just the right moments .... but seems there is only a point it goes to, I have little hope for us anymore and I know I just need to move on but I just can not seem to drop the rope and do it.
Caliguy, read your thread. I feel for you brother. Keep the faith. I know it's hard to do. God will work for you in your life. My wife is in a bad place as well. This mlc stuff is rough. It's hard to go dark with kids no question about it. From an outsiders view I think you are doing a good job validating. Keep it up. I know you feel like it's hopeless at times bUT You will be connected thru your S. So you will have plenty of opportunities to show her the new you.
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
Caliguy, read your thread. I feel for you brother. Keep the faith. I know it's hard to do. God will work for you in your life. My wife is in a bad place as well. This mlc stuff is rough. It's hard to go dark with kids no question about it. From an outsiders view I think you are doing a good job validating. Keep it up. I know you feel like it's hopeless at times bUT You will be connected thru your S. So you will have plenty of opportunities to show her the new you.
Thanks Igit ... yeah I think we all have our good days ... and then with the rollercoaster there are bound to be frustrating days .... thank you so much for your words and encouragement ... I was riding last night and realized only God will deliver me from this, no idea if that means my M and family stay intact .... but there is only so much we can do and we must allow God to work on our WAW.
Update
Funny how things change so quickly with my sitch. So yesterday I was not feeling well that morning as I said .. I was still upbeat ... but visibly not at my best. She TM as she got to work about S and his pictures. and told me she hoped I felt better and to have a good day. I was thankful for that .. told her to have a good day too. She had told me she had a phone call with a Job recruiter at 12:30 .... 12:49 she TM me about it .. was very excited, I congratulated her, and reflected her excitement knowing how good it would be for her at this new job. TM again at 4:00 that the hiring mgr loved her background and she had a phone interview Friday and needed to get her resume done, I again supported ... told her that she was always very strong on the phone and her resume is very impressive ... the company would be lucky to have her.Sh showed up at my place to pick up S ... and asked me about my day, how I was feeling (at the time I was better) I noticed a piece of hair on her and went to remove it and she kind of jumped back asking what I was doing .. I pointed the hair out and she joked that I was moving in to cop a feel ... I laughed and said no .. I wouldnt do that .. she joked and kind of flirted that I would .. I shrugged and said .. well maybe. This kind of interaction has not happened in a long time .... I ended the conversation shortly after, told them both to have a great night and went to get ready for my softball game.
She TM around 10 asking if we won, and told me about her resume .... again ... not normal convo for us over the past year. and TM me again this morning about S .. then asking how I was feeling ... urging me to set an appt for the Dr ... and then we talked briefly about 9/11 and where we were
So no expectations .. but looking at my tracking on the calendar there have been a good number of positive exchanges, some days there are not alot of communication but on those days what little we have is positive. I realize I can not push this .. and have been trying my best to being there .. and detaching .. and not scaring her off ... her brother compared her to a scared kitten (Ironic as thats my pet name for her .. Kitten) ... and he is right .. he told me she loves me and is just scared, I would rather she say that .. but it does put a small amount into the hope bucket.
So ... keep on doing what I am doing .. she just TM some funny pics, and seems chatty this morning... I know there is so much work to be done but it seems she fights with me less, and has stopped putting her issues on me and has started looking and I just need to keep calm and continue to DB ... waiting for her to come out of the tunnels.
Hi Cali, First off I'd like to say I think you're doing a great job. W is clearly interested in you, and not that far gone. But she's really in a bad place right now, overwhelmed with lots of pain and confusion. She's doing the best she can. She needs someone to understand and help her through this. If not you then maybe OM?
IDK, but that's the way I look at it.
You say when you and her connect and then she later pulls back you feel hurt. This is understandable... but you control that. Adjust your expectations and change your perspective.
Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
Teach yourself to focus on the big picture, the end goal... not the fleeting feelings that come and go everyday.
Going as dark as possible can seem like manipulation. Your W is clearly not liking it. Is not contacting W truly what you want, or are you doing it for effect? Or because you haven't yet found a way to deal with your disappointment when she pulls back? Something to think about.
Hey, I understand not wanting to bake her any cakes, and if OM is in the picture that absolutely SHOULD affect your course of action. But if building a new M together is what you desire then you have to allow her to SEE something that would entice her to want that.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hi Cali, First off I'd like to say I think you're doing a great job. W is clearly interested in you, and not that far gone. But she's really in a bad place right now, overwhelmed with lots of pain and confusion. She's doing the best she can. She needs someone to understand and help her through this. If not you then maybe OM?
IDK, but that's the way I look at it.
You say when you and her connect and then she later pulls back you feel hurt. This is understandable... but you control that. Adjust your expectations and change your perspective.
Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
Teach yourself to focus on the big picture, the end goal... not the fleeting feelings that come and go everyday.
Going as dark as possible can seem like manipulation. Your W is clearly not liking it. Is not contacting W truly what you want, or are you doing it for effect? Or because you haven't yet found a way to deal with your disappointment when she pulls back? Something to think about.
Hey, I understand not wanting to bake her any cakes, and if OM is in the picture that absolutely SHOULD affect your course of action. But if building a new M together is what you desire then you have to allow her to SEE something that would entice her to want that.
Forever .... thank you... so much ... I have been struggling with this and in my heart of hearts ... detaching and going dark I think served its purpose and has brought me to this point. I do believe that OM is out of the picture ... however I can not confirm .. nor ask ... and when I did bring up the NC letter a few weeks ago she viewed this as me controlling her .. something she has felt over the years .. but not something I think I really did in all honesty.
I do agree with you, and maybe this is a chance to show her the new me even more so. Like you said .. she does seem interested, and of course very cautious and I know I must take things slow as hard as it is to do. But I do feel that I have made progress, and she has finally started poking her head out a bit.
Maybe this is covered somewhere .... but how does one transition from Dark and LRT ... toward starting to connect again .... through all this she has changed so much and I know our old M died with the BD last year, I am all for a new and better relationship/M with her and willing to put in all the work required, but for now ... we have to connect again, have to see if the new versions of us have chemistry, I do see little glimpses of the girl I loved, but I know there are so many things we have to fix to avoid this ever happening again, who knows if we can make it .. but after 24 years I know I still want to grow old with her.
