"Adinva my WAW herself at times would even make fun of this aunt."
So what? It doesn't mean that she can't feel sad for losing her. advina is right. Death is different to different people. You aren't your W so anything you say concerning the death is mindreading.
"So please stop insinuating that I am "deciding how she feels." I am basing my remarks on 18 years with WAW and I KNOW how she feels about this aunt. "
You are deciding how she feels. To put it mildly, before the bomb drop you would have sworn that your W would never D you. Yet here you are.
Your W is a different person now. It's time you understand that it applies to everything you thought you knew about her.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Well heck I'm sad she passed away myself. So even such basic personality traits as manner of mourning change in a WAW? All I'm trying to say is WAW, if she had moved on with her life, would not have contacted me over this death. If it was her Dad or Mom or someone close she probably would, even if she was remarried. My parents are divorced for nearly 40 years and they still do that. This particular woman dying is not something she would've ever contacted me about. Its like me texting her to tell her that my 2nd cousin died that she met 3 times in her life. It just wouldn't happen. So that's what I am trying to say here. But I've learned not to question you Mr. Bond so if you say Adinva is right then so be it. Chalk it up as yet another screw up by me I guess. I didn't realize that WAWs change in every single way, the WAW I knew is whom I described above and what my remarks were predicated on.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Thinking on your advice here, do you think that perhaps I should stop by the wake and pay my respects? Maybe just send a card to my ex-MIL? Or should I just leave it be with the text I sent?
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Oh my goodness. I seem to have touched a nerve. I apologize for offending you. I think I'm providing insight but you're reading it as "trying to find fault with everything [you] do and say." I will stop.
Just to clarify, I never said you were "an evil person" or "a heartless jerk." I used the word "seem" because I was describing a perception, and it was in reference to your behavior in this specific instance, not your person.
I also complimented your simple condolence. It was appropriate and, in my opinion, sufficient.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Sorry Adinva...just ignore me. I am very emotional these days with WAWs move coming soon. I need to get a grip. I am not offended at all. Mr Bond said you were right and I am always listening to him now. You did nothing wrong. By the way, I opted to send a sympathy card to ex-MIL.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
The whole point of DBing and making it a part of your life is that you learn how to apply the principles to ALL your interactions with people.
For example, in your response to advina, you should have validated her thoughts rather than condemning them. Can't you see that's the same pattern you had in your M? If you want to say you changed, then start acting like you've changed.
A real man (in reference to being the man that a woman would be a fool to leave), RESPECTS the opinions of others even though he may not agree with them.
You're getting there.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yeah I can see that Mr. Bond. I have to get better at catching myself doing that. Validate and shut up...that's my lesson here.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Hey everyone, just wanted to update you all. WAW left for Florida today I have heard on FB. I personally never heard from her again since I last posted. Admittedly that shocks me but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.She has enough money to live there for 6 months to look for work. She told a mutual friend if she doesn't find anythung it will be an extended vacation. So she's officially gone. Just wanted to update you all.
Last edited by ItHurts; 09/28/1411:05 PM.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Thanks for the update, I have been wondering about you. I am also surprised that she did not attempt more contact. I hope you will be able to move forward now that she has finally left.
Have you seen any more of the lady friend?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
