Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW, she had an affair, separating to "think"

Hi all, the fact that I am here means life just got real tough real quick.
My wife and I have been together for 7 years, married for 2. About 3 weeks ago we got into a discussion and she said she needed space, that she never felt like she got to "choose" me, as I was her first kiss, lover, everything. (we met in college)
I discovered that she had an affair in early June, and that it is "over" but they are still friends. She still wants him of course, but she isn't telling me this. they are coworkers, which is my biggest issue, as she won't get over this any time soon. She is moving to her own apt in a week for a couple months to sort things out.
What she is telling me is that she never dated anyone, never felt like she really knew enough to choose me, and that this feeling has been growing.

I've started the DB as best I can to both deal with the hurt and better interact with her without blowing up. I've got another week until she moves out, and I just want to keep things pleasant. she is sleeping in the guest bedroom at the moment.

Anyway, I am needing help, support, and I have questions as well, but one post a time is best!

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Follow the above advice. Don't fight it. It works.

So you're reading DB/DR?

It might also be helpful to know your ages. You can put them into your signature block so we can refer to general points of your situation as we respond to questions.

I'm sorry you're here but you're among friends.

Hi all, thanks for the support. I have read both DB and DR and am rereading them. I have 2 questions here that I am struggling with at the moment:

1. Boundaries vs ultimatum. She is moving out in a week, and has said that she does intend to pursue dating/sleeping with other men if the situation should arise. I don't /can't agree to those terms in our separation. It's no longer a marriage for me.
How can I frame my disapproval in a way that is not controlling? That is not saying "if you are sleeping around I want a divorce" but rather framing it in a way that protects me and that is not being a doormat?

2. Why SHOULD I try to DB this thing? I have no kids, no house, and she intends to pursue the affair and other men in order to "figure herself out." I'm having trouble right now convincing myself that she is worth waiting for her to come back to me, even if we both grow to be better people. Most of the advice so far has been because of children, or logistics. I just don't know if it is worth it...

A boundary is "I can't do this"
An ultimatum is "you stop or *threat*"

Best advice I can say is let her do her thing and it works for her or it doesn't. She needs to choose to come back so give her the opportunity to miss what you both had.

In the mean time go hit the gym, go for a run, get a tan, get new hobbies. This is also your time for growth. I would recommend to carefully choose your texts, voice mails, emails, etc.. save all records for court. Avoid excessive alcohol use as well, it is a depressant anyway

I could suggest one word that answers both questions: Detach.

1.) If it is an uncrossable boundary for you but you don't want to file for D right away, tell her no direct contact between the two of you until she's not with or pursuing OM, at least, and maybe until she is willing to talk about your R. She's going to do what she's going to do. Detach from the situation as much as you can while that stuff is going on, for your own sanity's sake.

2.) That decision is purely yours. Even the most anti-divorce, fundamentalist religions say D is permissible after affair or abandonment. But if you're having trouble making up your mind, this is another area detachment can help you. Instead of obsessing over her whereabouts and actions, if you stick with it, you will discover your independence and ability to be happy without her. That's not to say it is giving up. I am patiently waiting on a WAW to figure herself out. Pre-DB, I was obsessed with her and her every move. I lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks (I only started at 155), couldn't sleep, etc. Most miserable month of my life. Once I began detaching successfully, everything improved, even my R with WAW. I still love her and want our M to work, but I've realized I can't control her, and it only hurts me to try. If you detach successfully, I promise you will become much more clear-headed regarding what you want to do. Maybe you'll find that you are fine waiting a year or so for her to come out of her fog (search these boards for "fog" and read, btw). Maybe you'll realize that you don't want to wait, that you think that behavior doesn't warrant your patience. To me, neither choice is more noble than the other, it's just up to you to figure out what you want. But you will not be able to do that if you chase her through her fog.

Keep posting and listen to the vets here! These people really do know what they're talking about. Also, consider updating your signature to give generic details of your sitch. It helps people who might not have read your whole story to give you some quick feedback.

And I'll post this separately since it is purely my opinion. I don't think kids or logistics are the biggest reasons to stick with a dying M. The biggest draw, for me, are the testimonials of those who have made it through the lowest of lows. Their love is deeper and more meaningful than ever before, and they are all thankful for their adversity. To quote Bruce Lee (2nd time I've posted this...):

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature, and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.

You have time to decide if you want to pursue that mature love with your W, or if you want to move on. I would not blame you either way.

Wow, amazing responses all around.
I have not been able to detach very well yet, but at least we can now speak with respect and love for one another. (Was difficult at first)
She is just adamant that her only way through the pain and suffering she is experiencing is to have her own life for a while. And that life is going to include OM (at least a little, he's not that interested) and possibly other men.

I need a game plan for when she leaves. I know we aren't in the LRT place, I just need to figure out:

1. How to express that I am not condoning relationships with other men during our separation.
2. What our interactions should be like, a week at a time.
3. How to detach. (I've got a full plate- job, night class, and startup. I'm also working on new friends, develop family ties...)
I seem to be able to GAL better, but I still am worried to death about her time with other men.

I love this!

Thanks for the uplift!

Also, she has asked me to come to her nephew's birthday party, as he has been asking for me. I see this either as an issue (not really detaching here) or a good thing (I can use this time to show my worth, be the guy she would be crazy to leave)

What do you think?