Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Maybell X

You can not cry in make up!

Well ok, I know you can but I tell myself it's a big no no!
Hence I wear it, it's totally 100% about me, for me to make me look awesome.

I save (tears)it for night time or driving. I have a mobile disco, aka as my car loud loud music and nothing moves my happy like like pop blaring on the radio.

Once at work the cool room was a welcome relief, to escape and bawl!

Thanks, Ggrass. I'm not crying now.

I'm still so tired. He may be starting to come around but he's not changing that I can see. He seems to think I'm just sitting here pining away with love for him. I don't feel like I am. I feel like I've been processing a lot of stuff. He gets a LOT of credit for 16+ years and three children, but that's not an automatic in. That's great that he wants to spend time with me and that he doesn't know "in what capacity" but that doesn't mean I have to just take whatever he presents me with.

I put my ring back on as a reminder of what Claire said. Feelings pass and change. Marriage is a BFD. I need to smile more, that's fine. I will try to do better at that. We are a very, very long way from reconciling and I know he has time to make his baby steps. I guess I just want to see that this isn't an effort doomed to failure. I don't want to hook more of the same and I have no reason to think that's not what's on the line.

I feel a little bit badly about that text. But I also feel like I've been VERY taken for granted and I'm not going to reach out to a person who thinks I'm just waiting for him to hold out his hand. He doesn't pay attention to what I'm actually doing. He seems to think that all the silence and distance is his doing when I have my share too that he hasn't even noticed.

I'm trying to reconcile all this with 25years' message about taking the 1st step, the 2nd step, and the 1000th step. I don't disagree, and I'm not unwilling, but I don't know what those steps should be in my situation.

Maybe I'm not ready for this. Maybe I need more time. Maybe I just need to get a good night's sleep and a handyman. I don't know. I wonder if I'll ever not be tired again?

Maybell,

Today is a new day! I like that Ggrass has a mobile disco. I don't think your text was horrible and I want to be clear that I am not a mind reader so I don't know what your husband wants. However, I don't think it is necessary to tell your h that he isn't a romantic contender. I don't say that to be harsh,although if I remember your h wants the 2 of your to have a friendly R. I would take it as at this moment, that is the general vibe. I know he cares for you and perhaps having a friendly R eases his guilt. Maybe he wants a harmonious coparenting arrangement and this is the first step. Doesn't mean it can't change into something more. Not sure if he wants that or if you even really want it to change. I don't know-just speculating.

Hope you have a fabulous day:)

GB, what I said was in response to him saying he knew I wanted "an answer." I no longer want an answer to whether or not he's coming back. I really just want to find the good in him.

But I am impatient. Also hard on myself. Also overwhelmed at the moment and unsure how I'll juggle things when I have a full time job, since I'm so tired now.

I feel like I've spent the last twelve years trying to make my household run smoothly. I get close to figuring it all out and then we've moved. Ive had three houses in the last three years. None of them have been similar to one another so solutions don't necessarily carry over. Last year I did very little to get us settled in the new house because of the bomb drop. So I'm scrambling to do it now so everything runs smoothly once I'm employed. But I have to do it all with the thought that I could be moving again in the next year if we end up divorcing.

I know I'm probably hard to live with. I know I'm impatient. A terrible DBer. Flooded with expectations. I know other people manage more with less. I'm trying to do better. But I am really, really tired, and I guess I'm succumbing to the resentment of co-owning all this responsibility with someone who just decided to quit showing up.

I also am an over-poster so I guess I'll take the rest of my anxieties to my paper journal.

Maybell,

You aren't an over poster-I'm a speed reader so occassionally I miss prior posts. Thanks for clarifying. I don't think it's unrealistic or unfathomable to want an all or nothing R with your h. That's not a crazy concept by any stretch.

I'm sure that has been very challenging. Relocating several times, having kids, raising kids, and jobs all take a toll on Rs. I think our culture has created this belief that "you need to have it all!" when in reality, things seemed to go well for my parents and they weren't of that school of thought. I'm sorry you feel overwhelmed. That is a feeling I can relate to very well.

Do something nice for yourself today. Walk, bubble bath, sing in the show, kickboxing, or something of the sort. Live on the edge. Pick 3:)

Hi Maybell,

it's no wonder that you feel overwhelmed right now. You are basically a single parent right now, going through the biggest emotional upheaval most people will ever have to face and now you have a job search and house worries thrown into the mix? Its too much, and I say that from my limited personal experience, because I'm basically in the same boat (in my case I'm employed, but if I'm going to keep my recently purchased house after the divorce, I'm going to have to get a job that makes more).

For me it helps to break things up into manageable chunks. Last week, I was in a tailspin about my husband's living situation. That seems to have stabilized - so for the next week I'm going to work on house stuff (mine has been disorganized since the move, too). Next week, I'll map out a plan for job search/promotion. Your husband is gone for 10 days, right? Give yourself a vacation from thoughts of him (you've been at this for over a year- you deserve one), and of trying to DB your marriage. Pick something else to focus on, and as many others have said here - do something for yourself to help you recharge.

Best Wishes!

H had the kids last weekend and I spent all of Saturday flat on the couch even though I'd wanted to run and paint the kitchen. I didn't have the energy to do any more than that.

Today I have two appointments and the kids, also several errands that must be run, clear out the basement just enough that there's space for the new washer & dryer to come in, which includes the MOUNTAIN of laundry that has been delayed by the non-functioning of my old set.

Tonight I will try to give myself a mani-pedi. If I can get the energy together to do it all. D11 goes to bed about 9:00 and I'm trying to get to bed by 10 though it's really been more like 11:30 because I finish clearing up the house & kitchen after I get them all to bed and I need more than 30 minutes to relax before I go to sleep.

H was disappointed that I haven't been watching his favorite tv show. I guess he wants us to be able to talk about it. I haven't been watching mine either since I've been reading in the evenings and the TV in our room isn't really working very well anymore.

I don't even know what would help me recharge. If a full day on the couch didn't do it then it's a bigger job than I can manage at the moment.

Just saying Hi!

Maybell -

I'm so busy with LIFE and my own crazy situation that I'm not able to catch up here as often as I would like...

But I'm thinking of you and it seems like you're doing a great job at a) holding your boundaries while b) evaluating your own motives and being able to slow down some of your old habits.

Frankly - it's pretty amazing. Good for you.

Have a great day!

Well, I didn't know what to cry over before IC today but I bawled my eyes out in there and I don't feel as tired now so clearly he's helpful.

He says I've put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect this, perfect that, and that I'm expecting the marriage to perform functions that it doesn't need to do. For example, I want my kids to be raised in a two-parent home, and if the marriage doesn't succeed then I'll have let them down. That's unnecessary pressure. The kids need to be in a home where they see two adults relating successfully. H hasn't been participating as a good H in several years and clearly isn't there yet because 95% of his focus is on his work and nothing else. My kids need to see that you don't settle for someone.

He's laid off the whole "walk away" thing and is encouraging me to see what I want from a relationship and what a good one looks like to me. He says that if I left the pressure for the marriage off and just said "would I choose this person if he was new to me" that the answer should only be yes. All of which I knew, but didn't see how it was relating to my anxiety and sleep issues.

My H is not someone I would be excited to date right now. Our lunch last week was nice (probably impacted by the baggage I/we brought to it) but not as fun as an outing to Chik-Fil-A with my SAHD friend. It should be AT LEAST that fun to warrant a second date. Our lunch on Monday would have ruled him out for a second date.

I do not want to do anything to the accounts, house, etc., before spring, so there is time to let this brew. My efforts for the next while will be focused on my job search and figuring out how to manage my house without it killing me. If H shows up and we go out, fine. If not, fine. Thinking too much about him is not healthy for me, and that's clearly the loop I've gotten myself into.

I probably won't stop being an over-poster. I'm sorry. I'll try to give more than I ask for as much as I can. There are many people on this forum who need support and I enjoy being permitted into their lives. Several of you are really special to me and it's a pleasure to see your situations developing.

I'm sorry for being such a wreck, thank you all so much for your words of support.