My H and I have been working on healing our M for the last month or so. We have had occasional set backs and are still working through the mindfield of feelings we both have. I have taken the approach that I need to know some details. I ask the things that I start to feel obsessive over. I've not wanted intimate details, but I did want to understand the timeline of what happened and any lies that I was told during the A. This has actually really helped me start to heal and move forward. Part of the reason it was important for me was that the OW is a coworker of his and they still have to see each other and correspond in that context. Building trust back will probably be a long process. With every honest answer I feel closer. It's been therapeutic for me that a lot of my suspicions match up with his answers.
I think I would have a problem with her not acknowledging that it was hurtful to you. You had an expectation and she didn't abide by that. Have you specifically spelled out how you feel about what she did?
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
I think I would have a problem with her not acknowledging that it was hurtful to you. You had an expectation and she didn't abide by that. Have you specifically spelled out how you feel about what she did?
Thanks Heart- she knows how I feel about it, but hasn't really acknowledged the hurt or that it was wrong (in her mind maybe it wasn't). I have Starsky's same 'I've-gotta-be-right' issues, so I'm fine with waiting until MC to address. I'm hoping that's what she's waiting for too.
Heart makes some great points in what is really an awesome post, Tar. As men, we might not see a big difference between stating "it was wrong" vs. "it hurt me," but I'll bet you most women receive each very differently.
Your wife may feel you have been way too focused on "let me tell you where what you did was WRONG," and maybe has never heard your "what you did HURT me."
Or, maybe she still won't care. That's always a possibility too. But it's worth exploring.
Starsky, who although he speaks fluent "Mars" does know a little "Venus," too
Your wife may feel you have been way too focused on "let me tell you where what you did was WRONG," and maybe has never heard your "what you did HURT me."
BINGO!
Although I'm thinking that's probably best brought up in MC so W feels comfortable that I'm not attacking her. Does give me a great way to approach it though.
