That's awesome, Nitty. I know it's tough to not get too excited, but these are good developments. I would be pretty encouraged by them if it were me. You're doing fantastic! Keep striking those powerful poses!!
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
That whole "we're in reconciliation but you're dropping hints you really want a D" thing is bizarre.
I sometimes feel that from GUBU.
Like he wants to make it clear he's done with me, but then gets irritated that I don't reach out and give him reassurances that I'm still here, pining away in case he ever changes his mind.
I am no man's "Plan B"!
Isn't like they think we're their MOMMIES?
Mommies are supposed to love them no matter what. They can tell Mommy they HATE HER! That she's not the boss of them.
But is Mommy allowed to say: "OK, obnoxious, spoiled brat, I'm taking you up on it."
"You 'hate' me, huh? Alright then, go be independent, pay your own bills, and don't come crying to me when things go wrong."
"Oh yeah, and I might just entertain some OTHER sons while you're gone, see if maybe I like any of them better than you."
"And while you're out 'finding yourself' and being hormonal, I'll just go for a nice trip to Costa Rica and do some parasailing. I'm sure you'll be fine while I'm gone. I'll bring you a tee-shirt!"
?????????
That wouldn't go over very well!
Mommy isn't supposed to remind them of how they screwed up, she's supposed to always be there to dole out CAKE and unconditional love.
She will always forgive and never leave.
I think there are a lot of similarities there, don't you?
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
GoatGal: That tirade was simultaneously funny and enlightening. One time I was ready to quit something important, far from home, called Mom, said I want to come home. She said, Sorry! - I don't even have enough money for bus fare, and I'm not sure I'd give it to you if I did.
My Mom was pretty tough. Raising 4 boys will do that.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Nitty, what do you mean by "H agrees to a form of MC?"
Nmwb123, I responded on your thread.
Originally Posted By: shakespr
It might not hurt to let him know, during your mediation/MC stealth missions, that when it comes to reconciling, you are a 100% ready for that with new goals and new standards if he ever wants to be married to you again. But when mediating, you won't be a pushover - just because he thought you were, doesn't make it true.
Yes, oh, yes. I am very clear that I am willing to rebuild. But I am now very much looking forward to that part of mediation when Mr. Gritty realizes how much he's going to have to pay in support... heh.
Originally Posted By: Caliguy
the fact he doesn't want to show his face shows he is actually feeling some guilt and shame for his actions ... be careful not to punish him, remember .. be the lighthouse, the rock, allow him to come to you without scaring the squirrel off.
I will keep the road home paved and clear. When he says stuff like he can't show his face in the neighborhood again, I say everybody would love to see him. And they would. I am a good little Nitty.
Originally Posted By: GoatGal
Mommy isn't supposed to remind them of how they screwed up, she's supposed to always be there to dole out CAKE and unconditional love.
She will always forgive and never leave.
I think there are a lot of similarities there, don't you?
I know. It SUC KS, right? Totally SUC KS.
HopeTex, sorry I mistook the Heinlein reference as coming from you rather than Shakespr. LOL.
So. Worked hard all day, on my way home at 6:30 and I see some texts from Mr. Gritty. (We're back to texting again.) He wants to know what I'm doing. I responded that I was going home. He pops right back: "Come on over."
[[[[[ ! ]]]]]
I text back: "I'd love to but I can't, got to pack tonight for a conference this weekend."
So let's backup to 3.5 months ago, the day I tell Mr. Gritty I can't live in an open marriage and he says fine, he is going to date anyway, so he'll just file for D.
He told me this over the phone as I waited to see a bookkeeper who was supposed to help me organize my small business accounting. And because I cry at the drop of a hat, I was sobbing by the time my appointment rolled around.
The bookkeeper handed me a box of kleenex and told me I needed to take all the energy I used to put into my marriage and put it into my business instead. Make it my baby. She asked me if there were any industry conferences or workshops I could go to, and told me to find the next one and GO.
So I went home, looked up the very next conference about the software I use in my business, and in between blowing my nose, I signed up to go. I have never done anything so adventurous in my life. Adventurous and scary. A software conference! With grownups!
And that conference? Is this weekend! It's tomorrow! I'm packing my suitcase tonight and getting up early! I have never done anything like this before in my entire life.
And the man who told me he was gonna D me because I wouldn't put up with him dating other women? He actually wants to spend time with me, and I can't, because of the conference I signed up for the day he used the D word on me.
Is this a strange circle or what?
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
You've got some positives going on and it is wonderful!
You seem upset about the conference since Mr. Gritty wants to spend time with you, but you still need to take things slow. Don't always be available. This weekend gives you some of that.
Enjoy yourself and if Mr. Gritty reaches out this weekend to talk, then share some of your experiences. This is good for you and shows him this strong independent woman you've become again.
Be safe and have fun!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Hey, Shakespr, it went fine, thank you for asking. My R is back in the dumps, however. Suc ks.
During the conf, Mr. Gritty texted me twice, but nothing major. On the long drive home, I got nervous. I started obsessing about stuff I can't control. I broke down and texted Mr. Gritty, told him I was on my way home. I was hoping for an invite to dinner. Hello, EXPECTATIONS. But he didn't respond and I kicked myself the rest of the evening.
He called me this morning and we talked. Last night he had dinner with a coworker and her husband, the coworker happening to be OW's BFF.
I don't like this. The BFF herself is a WW. She left H1 because he didn't have enough "drive", something she found unacceptable only after she reproduced a couple of times with him. H2 is the OM. So during Mr. Gritty's PA, this BFF encouraged him to leave me and berated him for hurting the OW (by stringing the poor OW along, boo hoo. No worries about the W). And I know all this because? That's what H told me.
But not to worry, says Mr. Gritty, because BFF is now advising him to return to me. Because she has realized how crazy the OW is.
I don't know how we're ever going to make this work, especially if he thinks we can be friends with this couple if we get together again. Hello, EXPECTATIONS!
He asked me about the conference, wanted to know if it would make my business more profitable, because (as we both know) I've not yet made a living with it yet, which annoys him. I felt a little flustered, like maybe he was trying to figure out if he could get by with less alimony. Hello, MIND READING!
I told him it was a good networking experience, that I had fun and learned a lot. He said that when he takes business trips he doesn't have fun. Whenever he has to travel it is work. He been hearing about my recent GALing from mutual friends and thinks and maybe he should take do stuff like that for fun, too. Hello! Time to affirm! But no! I forgot!
Instead, I reminded him that we always got invites when we were together but we turned them down. Now I'm by myself, I said, I'm going to accept all invitations. He said, "Well, I'm going to accept invites, too."
I have been rehearsing responses to statements like these. I'm supposed to respond to them like so: "Sure, you could accept more invites, too." Or, "Sure, you could travel for fun, too." But I didn't. I forgot all my rehearsed stuff. I told him, look, you left me, what am I supposed to do? Hello! Talking about the R!!!!
Then he informed me that I have somehow again manipulated him into something he doesn't want to do: the MC with the mediator. He feels controlled. I told him he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do, which is a good response but then I just had to add how much I hate it when he claims I have always manipulated him, when we both know he is always the one who had the final say in any decision we made. He still is. It's just him justifying what he's done. Rewriting history. Hello! SNAFU!
I didn't even get to end the convo. He got agitated and said he had to go and hung up. I feel like I backslide more than I move forward. I feel like there is just so much to do to repair this R that I'm insane to think it could ever be done.
I wish, more than ever, that I could just tell him "let's go through with the D." And be calm and unafraid. I believe my holding on is what is helping him hold on to his crazy-making. LET GO!!!!
I've got to get my head back in the game. No expectations. Detach. No R talks, even if he initiates them. Agree. Validate. Listen. Remember my rehearsed statements. I'm not going to settle anything during any convo, probably for the next 6 months, at least, maybe even longer. So why the hell am I trying to do so?
Thank goodness there's no mediation this week, because he has work travel. (WHICH IS NO FUN, NITTY, NOT EVER.) (LOL)
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Catching up on your sitch .. and after the comment you left on mine, maybe tracking the days would be a good tool for you, atleast make you focus on the short game with the long term goal in focus ..... I had to do this for my sanity ... like you I felt the urge to press now, fix now .. just leave OM and be with me now ... I had to remove that thought process and realize, even with OM gone, we still have months if not years to be able to just sit and talk without the animosity and fights. I personally take the "z" or quiet days as a negative ... but looking at the past months on my calendar a strange trend has enlightened me, the early months were mostly "-" with few + ... then there were a mix of all three .... then more Z's and +'s ... now the +'s are starting to string together with a few Z's ... but the thing is ... the past 6 weeks only 4 "-" ... PROGRESS.
I truly hope it works, just keep tracking, on the Big + days make a note on why it was a plus ... really try to think DB here and note that it was a small gesture ... for me the day I started opening her car door ... even walking her out with S I open it ... that was the turning point of building small positive exchanges for me.
Stay Patient, Focus on that long term goal and let the little day to day stuff run its course.
Funny, Nitty. I got the opposite from my W. She said that she KNOWS she will be happier without me as she always enjoys herself when she travels for business. Couldn't be that she is away from the day to day grind, the responsibilities at home, no..it's because I'm not there! Proof that she will be so much happier and better off without me holding her back. Of course she forgets I was the one holding down the fort , taking the kids to from school, getting them feed, taking care of the animals..all of the things she wouldn't have me to do once she is gone!
