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I understand what you are saying, but I have had control issues in the past. I feel like if I ask her to have no contact, she will perceive it as me trying to control her. It is one of the things that I am working on. I told her that it hurts that she is seeing someone. She says that he is jut a friend that she talks to and hangs out with sometimes because he is going through a similar situation. She says she is not romantically involved with anyone because she is not ready to have any relationship that is more than friends, including me, but her emotional state last night made me think differently.

I don't know, I am more confused now than ever.

Also, she says that she needs someone to talk to because her circle of friends is shrinking. She says she can't even talk to them about our issues anymore. That is why she is looking for new friends going through similar things.

I would love nothing more than to DB this. I love this woman with everything I have.

Because you are leading with your feelings, instead of on a plan.

You stating that "I cannot live in a marriage where my wife is in contact with other men" is perfectly reasonable boundary. It is not controlling at all. You are saying "You may do whatever you please, if you don't want to be married to me, but this is what *I* need in a marriage. If you can't do that, I understand -- just let me know."

Actually, HER telling YOU that you must accept her continued contact with men is controlling.

What I see above is her jerking you around, emotionally, because she knows she can get to you and keep her as her "Plan B." It's hoop-jumping. I have no problems with a couple who have had previous marriage problems "hoop-jumping" if they are legitimate marital complaints that need to be addressed, and so long as BOTH partners are jumping at the real hoops. But her saying "Keep it up, honey -- just keep up your improvements and maybe I will come back and work on the marriage but in the meantime I just like these guys as friends and I'm going to keep on talking to them" . . . THAT is controlling!


Starsky

I get it. Last night was really emotional, on both of us. I had an IC appointment on Monday, and I left feeling GREAT. I was no longer texting her, I would respond to her on my time, I would answer her calls when I wanted to. I wa not saying any of the I love you's or anything.Granted, that was only 2 days, but it felt great.

Then last night happened, it felt like we were connected, but she is so resistant to it at the same time. I can see that she loves me, I can see it on her face, the way she was crying was uncontrollable. I know that she does in fact love me and that she has issues with me that she is working through. Heck, I have issues with me that I am working though. She even asked why I loved her, and then said that she has not been a good wife. I told her that she was a great wife and not to doubt that.

I think that she is just as confused as I am, I do not know what is going on in her head.

Today has been an emotional roller coaster for me. It felt good knowing that she does love me, but I feel terrible at the same time. I do not want to take advantage of the situation when she is vulnerable like that, and I did not.

Just a side note, he birthday is coming up, and I will be out to sea, do I have flowers sent or just let it pass as another day.

Is there light at the end of this tunnel. I feel like our marrige can be saved, I just don't think she sees it.

Try not to over-praise her. A better answer would have been "We BOTH have done things that have been hurtful to each other. I think you'll find if you end all contact with these other men and come back and work on the marriage with me, I am ready to work on MY contributions to our marital problems, and I pray you will do the same."

Or something similar.

I know you're reeling, so best no decisions get made today. But you would be wise to tread VERY SLOWLY and CAREFULLY here, as your wife is clearly still wayward.


Starsky

And she WON'T, so long as she is on these dating sites and in contact with other men. Physiologically (brain endorphines -- PEAs), she is emotionally blocked to you.

Should I ask her via text or face to face about not seeing other people?

I would just pull back, work on yourself, and wait for the next in-person and in-context opportunity with her. I'm sure it'll present itself.

It's really your call. You haven't been a saint yourself in this department early in your marriage, and I suspect she's "punishing" you for that (her comment about "how did it feel when you saw my dating profile?"). Only you can decide if her dating while you are separated is a dealbreaker to you or not.

P.S. And if it IS (a dealbreaker, that is), you don't ASK her, you TELL her: "Look, I've been thinking about this, and I have a real problem with you continuing to talk to other guys while we are separated. I want to WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE -- including my own contributions to the problem -- but I can't do that while there's a third person in it. I get what you're saying about wanting to continue to see changes in me, and waiting for your feelings for me to return, but these are really two separate issues. One is a DECISION -- a commitment -- and the other is feelings. I'm willing to be patient for your feelings to return, and to believe the changes you've seen in me, but make no mistake -- I am NOT willing to live in an open marriage in the meantime."

You don't ASK a spouse "oh please be faithful to me." You TELL them, "I cannot live in an open marriage." Then it's up to them to decide what to do with that info -- you can't control them.


Starsky

I would just pull back, work on yourself, and wait for the next in-person and in-context opportunity with her. I'm sure it'll present itself.

I think the "in-context opportunity" is important. I have found that bringing issues up out of context have resulted in conversations that were not productive. The conversations usually ended up being about how I dwell-on and re-hash issues. I tend to not be as quick on my feet in conversations (I try to think things out for too long) and miss the opportunities to state what my boundaries are or my position on the topic.

So I patiently wait for the topic to "present itself" again.