Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers DBing after WAW then reactive EA by me...NO QUIT!

"We're not piecing yet by any means. But maybe we're inching in that direction."

Not even close. Sorry to burst your bubble.

Obviously, nobody here can diagnose you, but do keep an eye on your mood, and remember that depression isn't the same as sadness. You can feel happy while depressed, it's just muted. I only bring this up because a lot of what you've said -- making excuses for not being able to do things, for instance -- sounds like what I went through when I was battling depression. Obviously that's not an objective measuring stick.



This might be one of those faking it things, then. Your wife has become abusive, and though she has seemed to calm down a bit, she's riding an emotional roller coaster, just like you are, I'm sure. You need to spend as much time outside of the house as you can, while not neglecting your duties to your household and your children. Maybe make a routine of going out for coffee by yourself every day. It will give you an hour or so to think, and to process, and it will give your wife some time with you out of the house every day. When things calm down more, who knows? Maybe she'll want to join you.

Sitting in a bedroom in the basement together, knowing that you're down there because of your separation is a bit heavy. There are a lot of ghosts in that room. Sitting at a cafe together? That's a much happier experience. Environment counts.



It's a lot for anybody, especially if many of those activities are new, and not firmly ingrained into your daily routine yet. It will become a lot less once they've become normalized, though.

And again, going out doesn't necessarily mean doing something active or busy. It just means doing something outside of the house. What do you do during your down time? Is it something you might be able to do at the library some of the time? If so, consider it. Don't think you need to start doing it right now. You don't need to start doing everything all at once! Just keep moving in that direction.

Hi Joe, I agree with Spacey's suggestions that going out can just mean going to relax somewhere by yourself. It doesn't have to be some big social activity. For me, it is simply going for a walk by myself.

Hugs, Lisa

Backwards day today. Often, w starts the day out being friendly to me, then pulls back later on. Today, she started out crabby at me and things improved as the day went on. Up and down, but the overall trend line was up I'd say.

We're parenting together which is great. I'm enjoying the time we are around each other...even if it's just doing house-stuff.

I'm trying to maximize the impacts of our interactive time (still a fair amount of just coexisting, but less) by feeing upbeat, attentive when she talks, doing as much around the house as I can (acts of service).

There's a long way to go, but I'm upbeat. And if thing fall apart, I'm still going to be great. I'm looking inward for validation and self-image now instead of to her all the time.

Excited for work to start up tomorrow. Summer break is over and students come back next week. I'm excited because it gets some more routine going and I get to have some more adult interaction.

Well, it was nice to be at work today. Good to see some of my work friends and be out and away from my S & D after the whole summer of "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!" I'm sure it won't be too long until I miss all that time w/ them.

My W had an angry day today. She thinks I don't function separate from my family...which has in the past been somewhat true, but not now. She's mad at my mother for being upset w/ her for wanting divorce and not being super pissed at me for the situation w/ the OW.

She is adamant that she will move out if the school thing for S5 doesn't work out. While I'm not placing the same level of importance on that as she is (because I'm not giving up either way), I think she's trying to push away from me for herself some right now. I think she's trying to avoid hurting if it doesn't work and that she will just see it as confirmation of her plan for divorce.

If it does pan out, then we may be able to see about beginning the long road back. At least in that she's going to maybe be willing to give things time and possible effort.

I know this is mind reading, but it is also, to an extent, just seeing what is written on the wall before me.

Another thing I have seen is that when she starts being frustrated with me about all of this, if I try to address things a little more from the how/why side of things, she seems to respond a little better or at least soften on the anger front. I'm learning to face the confrontation more openly vs shutting down or trying to avoid it.

Rough day, but I'm not letting it send me down. The sun will rise tomorrow, I'll get another early AM workout in and then a day of training for us teachers. I'm confident I'll be OK no matter what happens. That has taken a while and I thank many of you for that.

The issue with your son's school doesn't make a whole lot of sense. You have no control over whether there will be room at the other school for your son to be able to transfer. She's basically telling you that her desire to reconcile is dependant on a dice roll.

If there isn't room for your son at the new school, what does that mean for your wife? She'll give up on your marriage, but that's not going to stop her from having to go to that school, it's not going to stop your son from potentially interacting with the OW's children, and it's not going to eliminate the possibility that she will see the OW at school functions.

You've applied for the transfer, and you've pulled the strings that were available to you. You've done your part, and now your wife has decided that she will make up her mind based on the outcome of those efforts. If the outcome here depended on how hard you tried, that might be fair. This outcome doesn't. It's a roll of the dice. She may as well be telling you that your marriage hings on the outcome of the next Mets game, or where the next megalotto winner is from.

It sounds to me like your wife is attempting to assert some control here, without accepting the responsibility that comes along with that control. I won't say it's an empty threat, but it's a meaningless threat.

Explain this in more detail if you can.

All you past behavior is going to come in to play for a long time. This is a great opportunity for you to make changes that will affect every part of your life.

I agree with all of that. Which is why I'm not letting the situation not going our way deter me if that happens. I'm sticking with it, no matter what. I'll save your argument for if we have to deal w/ that.

I just know that this hurdle, if we get lucky on the next Mets game, will help smooth the next steps. If the Mets lose, it's a setback, but I'll get through and won't quit.

As Yogi Berra said, "it ain't over til it's over."

Was that response to me? Can you explain the quote? Thanks.

Sorry labug, that was a response to Spacey, your post came in as I was typing, I think.

The part you quoted was about her plans if our Son doesn't get to go to a different school than the son of the OW I was hanging around in May and June. Lots more details on that stuff up thread.

Spacey: the Mets won.

The good news, my son gets to go to the nicer school, closer to my work and away from the OW's son. Now, I know this solves nothing, but it does remove what my W viewed as a deal breaker in our chances of piecing.

As labug said, I've still got a lot to do, and more changes to make/make permanent.

I know I've got a long road ahead still and it's going to plenty bumpy, I'm sure. At least the giant boulder is off of it now.