There's still too many I statements in your letter. I've read your sitch, she doesn't have to tell you what she needs at this point for you to know .... Under the circumstances it seems fairly obvious. Everyone goes through this, they think that letters like this really aren't pursuing because you have to say goodbye, need info, etc, but it's still pursuit.
Yeah, it's still a pursuit. For sure. It's also the first real apology that isn't followed by, "But just think of how great it could be if you were able to forgive me and we could get married..." etc, etc...
Me: 39 - W: 35 Together: 2 years, no kids My Affair: 1.5 years Affair ended: 4/9/14 Affair revealed: 5/19/14 Last Contact: 8/2/14
Bond, I went back and read your early posts. I didn't realize it was your W who had the affair.
You asked at one point:
Hey whatdidido,
I have a question: When you were doubting your relationship, if your spouse had offered you any information about how things could get better, would you have gotten angrier at him for pursuing or would a part of you listened to them with a grain of salt? _________________________
Whatdidido Responded:
Part of me would have definitely listened. Deep down I wanted something to give me hope. I may have responded negatively but I would have listened. So, in other words, I may have shown anger, but I would have been glad, in the end, to have the information.
It's your job to help her see that there IS hope. She can't see it. You can.
You have to look at your situation and know when the timing is good. You have to give the information without anger or a "guilt trip" even if she gets angry at you.
END ----------------
DB Continuing: I also read on another thread the idea of "Don't believe anything they say"
So... why are the crazy belligerence towards me for wanting to offer SOME indication to my Ex about how things could get better? Or for not totally believing her when she says she doesn't want to have anything to do with me?
Thx, DB
Last edited by DBinSF; 08/17/1407:26 PM.
Me: 39 - W: 35 Together: 2 years, no kids My Affair: 1.5 years Affair ended: 4/9/14 Affair revealed: 5/19/14 Last Contact: 8/2/14
"Don't believe anything they say" refers to the BETRAYER.
Do I need to repeat that one too?
You don't have lines of communication open at the moment but if she contacted you before she could contact you again. So you work to be a great, generous, UNSELFISH man in preparation for the time when she might contact you again. Yes, even if you're waiting in perpetuity. That's the reason for so much of the other feedback you've gotten here.
130 days of "sexual sobriety" is not convincing to a woman who experienced 600 days of betrayal.
Getting rid of doubtful friends is unimpressive. You fooled her, you could fool integrous males too.
Meditation, therapy, and gratitude journaling as a basis for safety? Really? You need to learn how a healthy person lives before you say something like that.
What you said about entrusting her kids to you... That just made me laugh. Not sufficient. You don't know what you're talking about if you think participating in Alateen has any relationship to being In the parenting trenches for 18+ years. You can't be committed enough to her to go 100 days without contacting her because that's what SHE needs. Why should she think you could make it through a pregnancy? Or fertility issues? Or the newborn period? Let's not even discuss potty-training, special needs, bullying, puberty, etc.
Will you cheat on her when she's post-partum, feeling unattractive and worn out and doesn't want to be touched? Does she deserve to worry that you will?
NO PURSUIT. Of any kind. Period.
You may whine that I'm being harsh. I am not. I'm being frank. I want you to be better because the world needs to be full of better people. What kind of man do you want to be?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
