Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy 2.5 Months After D-day...and I wait

excuses. make this a 180 and act as if you are.

May I very politely suggest that you write a letter here answering my questions here? That may help with your patience.

"Ok, ok. I've never been a good student..."

That's not the point. You've been selfish by having an A and you're still acting selfish now. Sorry if "2 months" is too much for you. Oh and what you did is going to scar your fiancee for LIFE.

Nice of you to be thinking of just yourself.

Maybell, are these the questions you suggest I answer?

"From her perspective, what could you possibly offer her in the way of safety? What reason would she have for entrusting her future children to you?"

What I can offer her in the way of safety is 130 days of sexual sobriety, a solid program with my sponsor, a deeper relationship with the integrous men in my life, a cleaning house of all the "morally ambiguous" friends I had (bad influences), getting rid of my apartment, getting a fulltime job (less free time during the day which is when the affair happened), and an on going regular practice of meditation, therapy, and gratitude journaling.

What reason would she have for entrusting her kids to me? She knows and has said repeatedly that she knows I'll be an amazing father. My deepening commitment to Alateen, my active sponsoring of two teens, my chair position as the head of their annual conference all speak well to that. Also, I am willing to put my adolescent "dreams" of fame and fortune away and accept the fact that I'm just a man line any other, and that I will need to get a regularly paying job and stop this non-stop attempt at "entrepreneurship." I will become an amazing, stable PROVIDER.

What other questions did you have?

And Bond, please go easy on the Shaming. I had enough of that growing up.

DB,

A couple of thoughts:

What I can offer her in the way of safety is 130 days of sexual sobriety [how is that going to help her feel safe?! Maybe I misunderstood how sexual soberiety works. To me, being faithful is the number one key to the spouse feeling safe. Sexual soberiety isn't going to achieve this as faithfulness is a core value in a person.], a solid program with my sponsor, a deeper relationship with the integrous men [Uh? What did you mean by intergous? Did you mean men with integrity? Is that what you meant here?]in my life, a cleaning house of all the "morally ambiguous" friends I had (bad influences), getting rid of my apartment [how would jettisoning your apt make her feel safe? I'm not seeing the connection here.], getting a fulltime job (less free time during the day which is when the affair happened), and an on going regular practice of meditation, therapy, and gratitude journaling.

This is still all about you and your processes. Bah. Why don't you ask what's best for her and what she might need or deserve? IMO, I think that you don't ask those questions because you still care more about your needs than hers.

Wonk,

"Sexual sobriety" means being faithful. It's having no sexual relations or intrigue with anyone outside the relationship. Yes, "integrous" means men with integrity - although it might be a made up word. The apartment was the scene of the crime.

And Unbidden,

If I had any lines of communication open with her, I would ask her. She wrote me an honest and compassionate note on my birthday at the beginning of the month, and I haven't heard from her since. Two months ago I asked her what she needed, and she said angrily that she wanted nothing to do with me. I've been told on here "That is obviously what she wants!" but I know we all say very harsh things in anger.

ALSO, I was answering specific questions from Maybell about my process.

Thanks,
DB

I'm not sending this, but I'm posting as part of my editing process... The good news is it's shorter.
----------------------
Julia,

Thank you again for the kind email on my birthday. That really meant a lot to me. I remain amazed by your capacity for compassion and self-awareness. I felt your note merited a more thoughtful response, so here goes…

I realize you are still very angry and hurt, and you have every reason to be. I sit here and think of what I did to you, and I can barely believe it. I betrayed you and deceived you in a way no one should ever have to endure. There is no excuse. I’m also very sorry for my selfish inability to let go in the months after the breakup, for my glib attempts at playfulness, and for my complete lack of respect for your requests for space and time.

I know I don’t get to ask anything of you anymore. Your pain is too great -- my actions too damaging. Working with Greg and others, I’ve come to understand the depth of the pain I have caused, and I understand that I have to accept your decision. I know I need to let you seek a love you can believe in. I want nothing but for you to be happy, and I can think of no one more deserving of a healthy, nurturing family than you.

Understanding your pain motivates me to do the work to make sure this never happens again. My job at this point is to continue to work on healing the old wounds that led me to hurt the love of my life in this way. I know if there is ANY chance at even a friendship between us in the future it will require a continued period of healing and growth for each of us.

I don’t need to tell you how much I miss you… your laugh, your smile, your generous heart, your thoughtfulness, your creativity, your appreciation of the simple things. I’ve never met a woman like you, and I still believe we would be ideal life partners if I had done the work I’m doing now before we had ever met. Our connection is rare, and it’s what I want in a life partnership.

Julia, please know that I love you and want nothing but the best for you. If someday you’d like to get together even for just a coffee, I would welcome that. But if that day never comes, I wish you love, health, and happiness wherever your path may lead. I know whoever you choose as your life partner will be the luckiest guy in the world.

Always,
Me

Try to whittle it down to 2-3 paragraphs.

Look out for:

-Assumptions
-Mind reading
-Not fully owning your behaviors

There's a lot of that in the letter. Try to make it less about you and MORE about her.