Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy 2.5 Months After D-day...and I wait

It's fun watching everyone outing themselves on where they live by their baseball allegiances.

I will say the best games are to be seen in Fenway.

#justsaying

Ok, here's Take 2, after some detailed feedback from a friend who was betrayed by her BF a few years ago. It got longer somehow.

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Julia,

Thank you again for the kind email on my birthday. That really meant a lot to me. I remain amazed by your capacity for compassion and self-awareness. You are truly one-of-a-kind in that way.

I realize you are still very angry and hurt, and you have every reason to be. I betrayed you and deceived you in a way no one should ever have to endure. I’m also very sorry for my selfish inability to let go in the months after the breakup, for my glib attempts at playfulness, and for my complete lack of respect for your requests for space and time. I realize that I don’t get to ask anything of you anymore. Your pain is too great -- my actions too damaging. Working with Greg and others, I’ve come to understand the depth of the pain I have caused, and I understand that I have to accept your decision.

Please know I want nothing but happiness and love for you. Because of my love for you and full knowledge of the pain I have caused, I know I need to respect your decision and let you move on and seek a love you can believe in. I can think of no one more deserving of a healthy, nurturing family than you.

I’ve come to see that holding on to hope has actually also slowed down the pace of my growth and development as a man these last few months. I need to continue to work on healing the wounds that led me to causing the person I love most so much pain. I know if there is ANY chance at even a friendship between us in the future it will require a continued period of healing and growth for each of us.

At the end of the day, I know the man I am at my core is the man you fell in love with, but he’s been so afraid to come out – so afraid to let love in, as you said. I am learning to nurture and love him these days. While not a linear process, it is one I am committed to, for my sake but also for the sake of those I love and will love in the future. I’ve been told that the greatest amends I can make to you is to make sure I never engage in behavior like this again. I am 100% confident in my ability to do that. I never want to cause pain like this in someone I love ever again.

I don’t need to tell you how much I miss your laugh, your smile, your generous heart, your amazing competence, your thoughtfulness, your comfort in who you are, your ambition, your ability to rise above it all and maintain your sense of self. I’ve never met a woman like you, and I still believe we would be ideal life partners if I had done the work I’m doing now before we had ever met. Our connection is rare and it’s what I want in a life partnership.

Julia, please know that I love you and want nothing but the best for you. If you one day decide that a healthy me is what you want in your life, I would love to have that conversation. But if that day never comes, I wish you love, health, and happiness wherever your path may lead. I know whoever you choose as your life partner will be the luckiest guy in the world.

I do hope you realize this had nothing to do with anything lacking in you. I sincerely hope you can regain your ability to love and trust boldly again. You love with such zeal, generosity, and patience – I really hope you let the world know the gift of your love once again.

Always,
Me

And did she end up going back together with him?

I know you really need to write this for yourself but I hope you don't send it. I've heard a LOT of words from my husband in the last year and I don't believe any of them. I believe how he behaves towards me. Period.

I know you feel like you don't have the opportunity to have her see you behave but you actually have, and you've already been rewarded for it too, when she sent you that short note. That was appropriate and good.

The fact that she didn't prolong the correspondence means she isn't ready to hear more from you at this point. Your respect of that shows that you really are doing the work. It may feel like inaction, but it's action requiring tremendous discipline.

I recall you ran into her at a party not that long ago? So she's still in your orbit, even if it's just loosely. Those opportunities will not be frequent, but they can still be meaningful, and for sure way more meaningful than a letter, even a carefully written letter.

Has patience gotten any easier for you in the last couple of weeks?

By the way, I know you're worried about the ticking clock, but it hasn't been even three months yet. You've got time. But you really shouldn't be thinking like that, you know. It will only make things harder.

Patience, 0. Petulance, 14.

Hi DB in Boston? What happened? Did you send the letter out? By the way, I'm taking my s12 to a game at Target Field tonight. Wish the game meant something to the home team!

Ha. I grew up in the mid Atlantic region, went to school in Mass, and now live in the Bay Area.

I haven't sent the letter. I'm writing it now to send it the final week of August. That will be almost 30 days since she reached out to me,and almost 60 days since I've reached out to her. And 3,3 months since DDay.

And the reason I hear the ticking clock is b/c she does. She's 35.5 and desperate to meet her mate and have a baby. It is her sole mission. Although she will probably be somewhat picky after our blow up and after having married twice to boring dolts in the past. She went WAW on both of them. And then told ME she'd been waiting her whole life to meet a fun, educated, worldly man like me. Now she might be wondering if problems with trust come with guys like me. Maybe she's looking for Mr Safe again. I don't know.

But that's why I'm feeling an urgency. She's not going to let grass grow under her feet.

You didn't answer my question. Did your friend ever get back together with her BF?

"But that's why I'm feeling an urgency. She's not going to let grass grow under her feet."

So what? You can't keep trying to control how she feels and what she wants.

You've barely left her alone. I can almost guarantee you that the letter won't work and, in fact, make things worse.