Arrgh! Is this ever going to be OVER? My H called tonight... and we ended up having an R talk. And the R talk is the SAME talk he has been talking... back to IF we get a D, and I am happy with OW... so, he is STILL with her... he sure doesn't seem happy, but says he is... I was thinking maybe he had quit seeing her.
Some things I did say: 1. It is distressing to me that we aren't even going to try. 2. Are you really happy? Or did the snowball effect happen and now you are stuck? He did say that somedays he did feel like the snowball analogy was a good one. He said somedays he felt really happy. 3. I took complete responsibility for my part of the problem. Said I was sorry for not telling him how much I appreciated him. Told him I thought I was telling him I loved him by doing all the acts of service I was doing for him. Told him I was sorry for being critical and controlling. 4. I told him there was nothing he had done that couldn't be fixed or worked out.
He said he was afraid that we would never "get it back." I told him I didn't want the old relationship back.
He said he knew what the right thing to do was, but was wondering if he should stay with what would make him happy...
He said she wouldn't wait for him to figure out if things were going to work out with me. I said, well, I have waited.
He said I should be telling him to go jump in the lake. At which point I told him that caring for him the way I do, I did want for him what would make him happy.
I said you keep your guard up around me... I said when you let your guard down in October things were good. He said then why don't I let my guard down more. I said, you said yourself, you are afraid. I said I am scared to death myself.
I said sometimes its easier to stay with the easy thing, especially knowing that talking to each other might cause pain.
He told me all the alien crap... I'm happy, I was never happy with you, blah, blah, blah.
He did say he really misses the kids and knows they probably hate him.
He said he knows he needs to make a decision...
So, did I screw it up cause he knows I'm here waiting? Will he keep me in limbo forever? He definitely knows I haven't "moved on" so if that was my strategy I screwed that up.
Why can't I just look at my life as this is the way it is and be happy? Why torture myself daily?
He is definitely NOT ready to even think about reconciling. If we tried now, he would sabotage it... He still sees his OW as the real thing... not the house of cards that it is.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I quick note. Sounds to me as if your H is anything but convinced that life with OW is great and going to last for ever. He has big doubts about everything, so that's good!
Don't worry about talking to him of your POV. He may go home and compare notes, seeing how you are willing to go the distance, while OW has already made it clear she won't hang around for him.
Hang in there and keep DBing!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Was I pursuing? I initially asked him if he wanted to go to a play this weekend. I said, "I think I know the answer, but don't want to assume" and then asked him. I asked him because I always assume he doesn't want to do anything with US and then I thought what if he does, but wouldn't ask? Anyway, he sort of said no... and said I'm never sure of anything...
I do not believe in my heart that we aren't going to at least try. How does a person throw away a marriage, kids, a great house and even a dog??? I don't get it...
I'm strangely calm... does my body know something I don't or am I finally numb?
I hate this.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Try not to second guess him, epecially in front of him. Don't be negative in front of him. If you issue an invite, make it sound cheerful, like it's something where he might miss having a great time if he didn't go. The way you asked him out you almost set yourself up for disappointment. Give yourself and him time.
Don't let him see too much, if at all, how sad you are, make yourself attractive to him - that's the hardest part, when you feel like the "wronged" party. Pretend it's like you have to attract a new guy with him. Looking doleful and sounding negative wouldn't work, would it?
Livnlean
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
good monring Holding - I think LL has given you some good advice but gee it seems like your H and my W could be the same person. But then it seems that all our WAS go through the same cave. So I can take LL's advice to heart too.
As long as we are not negitive with them and every contact with us is plesant we will let our unconditional love slowly do its work.
You did nothing wrong. He is thinking and he is being pulled in two different directions. Just keep him in your prayers.
The Lord is working on him and he is struggling with things. The OW is putting pressure on him and heavy pressure and that is a good thing.
He knows the right thing to do and the things you said, you were right in. It will give him some things to think about. He is talking garbage and you seen it for yourself. You have asked for his forgiveness, and no you weren't wrong to tell him that you were still waiting for him.
You did an excellent job and gave him some more things to think about. You are being a friend and you are trying to help him. He is scared of losing his kids and yet wants to be involved with the OW which in his heart he knows is wrong and deadly.
It is like having an addiction that you know one day is going to kill you but because you are feeding your flesh, you are finding it hard to walk away from. Keep praying that God gives him the strength to walk away from it and opens his spiritual eyes. Which he has started to do because he is saying more and more that he knows what he is doing is wrong.
The only way he is going to feel better is by getting rid of the sin (OW) and satan doesn't want him to do that. Your husband's eyes just have not been opened to that yet. Keep praying that they get opened.
I think that you have done an awesome job and you have been obedient to the Lord. There is also nothing wrong with letting him know that you are still there waiting for him. It gives him security in a sense. Whether he wants to admit it or not, you are a form of security to him.
You represent the goodness and the life that he is looking for, but doesn't feel worthy of having. So therefore, he stays with the OW, because she represents sin and for now that is what he feels he is worthy of. When he is around you, he is under conviction and when he is around her, he is under satan's control and satan can make the dirtiest thing look beautiful until he gets you where he wants you. Then the real thing comes to the surface. Pray that the Lord shows him this before it goes any further.
"I do not believe in my heart that we aren't going to at least try. How does a person throw away a marriage, kids, a great house and even a dog??? I don't get it..."
This is one I'm struggling with. How does the WAW leave 11 years of M and 3 children? If we knew the answers, we would not be here. Hang in. I'll check back.
"But I already see the blessings in my life from this experience."
You sound great. I wish I could get there. WAW is moving Monday and told me, "I'm not coming back." This all happened around Dec and I'm still not understanding ANY of it.
I think you did ok with the conversation. And don't beat yourself up; OK I need to take my own advice! LOL
Sounds to me like he is not as happy as he says. Remember believe none of what they say and 50% of there actions. So in other words actions speaks louder than words!
At least you don't have att's hanging over your head! Thank your lucky stars for that!
Time to wait and moniter, sometimes it takes awhile for what you said to sink in!
You could be me, my H wasn't happy with OW either. I think your H is realizing that and beginning to question.
OW is pressuring, let her pressure you're not.
I remember going through the same things you are, "can't H see I'm the better choice!" and H going through his thing, not happy with OW, not happy period. They have to figure this out on their own.
I hate to say this, but patience, patience and more patience. Keep doing what you've been doing, living your life and being a fantastic person.
