One skill you will need to master for yourself and your R is
PATIENCE.
Putting a stopper in that bottle of emotions and waiting for the brew to mellow. (The bottle probably has a label on it that says STFU!)
This DBing is counterintuitive. What "feels" right often is wrong, and from your story you have been mostly operating from an emotional, rather than an intellectual, perspective.
How you feel IS important, but it should not dictate your actions now. Find other ways to process your emotions that are constructive; with a support group, therapist, or here on this board.
Don't hand them over to a person who isn't going to know what to do with them right now. That's pressure on her and she doesn't need that complication. Think about what SHE might need now, not about your own pain. That will work in your favor all around.
Think about what you want to accomplish with this letter and why. Then run through all the possible reactions you might get.
Unburdening yourself might feel like a relief, but the effect might not be worth it!
------GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
You guys are right. Every cell in my body wants to contact her. My emotions take over. But so does my head... Why would she wait for a man who isn't dedicated to making things back? Does she really view my leaving her alone as me respecting her? Don't people ask for things that they don't really want out of pain and spite? Or as a way of testing the mettle and dedication of their partner?
I will do my best to wait the rest of the month. But I might start circulating a letter sooner than that. It gives me something to do. Although I REALLY should be doing work for my clients and making some money. Ugh.
Me: 39 - W: 35 Together: 2 years, no kids My Affair: 1.5 years Affair ended: 4/9/14 Affair revealed: 5/19/14 Last Contact: 8/2/14
So, the other thing that tests me and my patience is the idea of mortality. The passing of Robin Williams this week, the fact that my mother fell ill and spent the last four year days in the hospital with a pulmonary edema and congestive heart Failure… It reminds me that life is short. And if you truly love someone, is there really any harm in telling them that? Is there really any harm in apologizing and asking for what we want?
This is been an emotional week for me. Okay, it's been an emotional three months. I'm coming to the point where I realize that I've put my entire life on hold hoping that at some point I'll be able to work this out with my fiancé. Yes, you've all told me I need to get a life. You told me I need to do a 180. But as long as I'm holding out hope, I'm really not able to do those things. I'm in a holding pattern. I'm paralyzed.
So, in my letter to her at the end of the month, I plan to apologize and ask her very directly if there's any chance of reconciliation. I want to put it on the line. And if in the deepest corners of her soul there is truly no chance of reconciliation, I probably need to ask for no contact. Because the hope is keeping you stuck in a place of unbearable pain.
And life is too short to live like that.
Me: 39 - W: 35 Together: 2 years, no kids My Affair: 1.5 years Affair ended: 4/9/14 Affair revealed: 5/19/14 Last Contact: 8/2/14
Yes, sometimes a famous person's death makes us reflective and come to a few realizations on our own.
You ask:
And if you truly love someone, is there really any harm in telling them that? Is there really any harm in apologizing and asking for what we want?
Yes and no. I say yes because you are operating on high emotions and timing is important in DBing. Why do you feel this URGENCY in making amends and apologizing to her NOW? It is a false deadline in your head. Sit with this discomfort and continue working through your issues. It is coming from a place of "neediness" instead of from a place of "strength" which is how and when I sent my apology letter to Ms. Wonka.
From my own perch, I see that you are nowhere near that place yet, DB.
But as long as I'm holding out hope, I'm really not able to do those things. I'm in a holding pattern. I'm paralyzed.
That is absolutely NOT true at all. One can have hope and continue with their life. For me, I will always have a glimmer of hope in my heart that Ms. Wonka will drop kick the OW and reconcile with me. However, I just simply got on with my life by GALing and just let Ms. Wonka be. That includes dating other women. Of course, I would! It's been 10 years since Ms. Wonka moved out of the house. I digress.
The main point I am making here is that your LIFE doesn't just stop at a standstill just because you're continuing to hold on to hope. How wacky is that thought process??!
So, in my letter to her at the end of the month, I plan to apologize and ask her very directly if there's any chance of reconciliation. I want to put it on the line. And if in the deepest corners of her soul there is truly no chance of reconciliation, I probably need to ask for no contact. Because the hope is keeping you stuck in a place of unbearable pain.
Again, you're operating on a vapor of your own emotions. Sit tight and work through them. It will all pass.
I would hope you will post your draft email to her here for feedback before you send it off to her. We can assist you with this process and save you untold trouble for unintended words or statements.
And life is too short to live like that.
If you really do love her, you'll learn to cultivate patience. I'm reminded of a quote by Toltsky: Patience is the virtue of strength.
Bond waited out 4 years before his wife decided to reconcile with him. That's something, isn't it?
Haha. Well, I've been engaged to two women. The first one we were engaged twice.
And as for my parents...they didn't kiss, hug, adore, or fawn for as long as I've known them. They are more affectionate now as retirees, but growing up they either screamed at each other or didn't talk to each other. I grew up in an abusive, alcoholic home. My behavior as an adult is classic Adult Child of an Alcoholic stuff.
Just to comment on this^^^ and mention that YES you can break the cycle. Every single comment in this^^ paragraph about non affectionate parents and their "conflict resolution skills" (= who yells louder and throws the best 'zingers") are things you can Unlearn. I'm an ACOA too, and went to a few meetings in my late 20s. Saw some folks there who'd been going for a DECADE and seemed to revel in their victimhood since they'd found a "label" for it. but to me they were just using the ACOA meetings as their crutch.
OTOH, I could sense my own insecurity coming out too, b/c why should I judge them if it helps them, you know?
( I had gone back to an ACOA meeting once over the Christmas holidays about 4 years later...and heard a man I knew, get up and tell THE SAME story he had told years earlier, to a new group. He simply did not change himself the whole time I knew him, in any way...)
In the end, for me, going to EE and having had a good T in the first place, I unlearned most of the crap I grew up with, and then with some good positives (role models and or tools) I replaced the bad habits I'd learned, with some good new ways of coping.
It CAN be done and it is done and you can do it too. Also I have some wonderful siblings. Do you?
And I see a very good therapist to talk all this stuff out. I'm not entirely comfortable getting "group psycho-analyzed" here unless people are sharing their own experiences and not just analyzing mine...if you know what I mean.
Disclosure builds intimacy. When only one person shares, it gets uncomfortable. I get it.
But I also know you have other places to go for it and this site MAY not be where you feel comfortable sharing.
This is where you originally came for help gaining the tools/skills you want so you can either rebuild the R you had with your ex fiancee OR to build a healthy R with another woman, someday, down the road.
I do believe you want the tools you need for a healthy relationship, with any woman.
But YOU Decide where that is best to get. You don't have to share HERE
and or if it's all about sex, there are other forums here and elsewhere.
I would say ONE thing on the topic of sex that I saw elsewhere - that applies to marriages pretty much everywhere.
That's when one spouse insists or pressures the other spouse to do things they are not comfortable with. Not "Mild" things like trying a different position or hearing new or loud music, the ambiance things, etc... I MEAN actions or behaviors that are not desirable by one party.
Over time, it eats away at the feeling of being sexually attractive and desirable. And the fears.....Like "if I don't do X or Y, my lover will leave me" ----I think that ends up making the person (usually the woman) eventually leave the R. Either literally, or sexually withdrawing totally.
No, DB I don't think that's what YOU are referring to with your situation, DB. I don't know for sure, but that's not the vibe I'm getting.
However, I did see that elsewhere here, and thought some men might need to know that and yet they may not actually.
IOW, if you "make" your woman do things she feels dirty about, OR is NOT interested in doing, AND OR are not fun for HER, sexually, it will eventually harm your overall relationship to the point where you'll lose her.
I don't mean something you do "now and then" (& FTR, for WOMEN, "now and then" means twice a year, NOT twice a week.)
Twice a week is way TOO often - for something you don't enjoy at all or that is a negative experience for you.
Just tossing it out. AND so I understand more fully, DB, are you addicted to a substance of any kind?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Ok, folks... This is my first draft. Mildly pathetic and sad. But honest...
--------------------
Hi,
I’m writing today to tell you I love you, I’m sorry, and that I let you go.
I love everything about you, Julia. Your laugh, your smile, your generous heart, your amazing competence, your thoughtfulness, your comfort in who you are, your ambition, your ability to rise above it all and maintain your sense of self, your grace and compassion. I’ve never met a woman like you, and I still believe we would be ideal life partners if I had done the work I’m doing now before we had ever met.
I’m sorry for how much I have hurt you. I realize you are still angry and hurt, and you have every reason to be so. I’m also sorry for my selfish inability to let go in the months after the breakup, for my glib attempts at playfulness, and for my complete lack of respect for your requests for space and time. I also realize that I don’t get to ask anything of you anymore. Your pain is too great -- my actions too damaging.
So, that’s why finally, I want you to know that I completely and totally let you go. I let you go to find the life and love you want. I can think of no one more deserving of a healthy, nurturing family than you. I also let you go out of self-compassion. My holding on to hope has actually slowed down the pace of my growth and development as a man these last few months. And I know if there is ANY chance at friendship between us it will be after a long period of healing and growth.
At the end of the day, I know the man I am at my core is the man you fell in love with, but he’s been so afraid to come out – so afraid to let love in, as you said. I am learning to nurture and love him these days, and it’s a very purposeful endeavor. I remain “clean” in my sexual sobriety, and I dedicate my almost all of my free time to service and personal growth. It is starting to bear fruit, thankfully.
So, that’s all I wanted to say. Know that I love you and want nothing but the best for you. If you one day decide that a healthy me is what you want in your life, I would love to have that conversation. But if that curiosity never arises, I wish you love, health, and happiness wherever your path may lead. I know whoever you choose as your life partner will be the luckiest guy in the world.
And thank you again for the kind email on my birthday. It really meant a lot to me. I remain amazed by your capacity for compassion and self-awareness. You are truly one-of-a-kind in that way.
Always, Me
Me: 39 - W: 35 Together: 2 years, no kids My Affair: 1.5 years Affair ended: 4/9/14 Affair revealed: 5/19/14 Last Contact: 8/2/14
I actually teared up reading that letter. Your situation is very similar to mine and I saw a reflection of myself in those words.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
I can see that it is a truly heartfelt letter. Good for you in taking this first step.
For me, when working with DBers in drafting emails/letters, I believe strongly in letting you do the hard work on this yourself with several drafts and I offer it through guidance.
Before I post my feedback, input, and suggestions, I strongly recommend that you Google "making sincere amends" and look for some examples. Then come back with your second draft.
Generally speaking, I encourage DBers to whittle their letters down to 2 to 3 paragraphs at the most.
I do want to make a comment about letting go. You wrote:
So, that’s why finally, I want you to know that I completely and totally let you go. I let you go to find the life and love you want. I can think of no one more deserving of a healthy, nurturing family than you. I also let you go out of self-compassion. My holding on to hope has actually slowed down the pace of my growth and development as a man these last few months. And I know if there is ANY chance at friendship between us it will be after a long period of healing and growth.
What do you really want here? Let her go? Not want to reconcile with her? Yes? No?
My thoughts are the letter as it stands right now:
-Pleading and a bit too smothering -It has a smattering of superiority -There is no comment about healing -There is no comment on asking for amends
