Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Stimulus-Response: The Experiment Continues

I ran out of time....

"Speak Softly, The MLC Version"

"Speak Softly: The Amoeba Whisperer!

I think that's it!


And now we're at:

Stimulus-Response: The Experiment Continues...


There's got to be an easier way than that!


---GGG

Well, it may not be neat, but it's all there.

And.... TIME!


54 minutes!

Close, but still under an hour.

How cool is that?

I'm at my S15 archery giggling in the corner at this!!! Like he naughty one in church!!!


GGG, you're kill in' me!!!

Great job linking your threads, now a secret for the next time,
hit the quote button and copy and paste the links that you already listed above, (of course get rid of the quote commands) and use the preview button to check your work before you hit post, so you wont have a time limit.

Welcome to your new thread.

Thanks, Cadet.

I thought you might be out there, quietly checking on me.

It's a nice feeling to know that you were!
(You and Wonka are like my Guardian Angels out there in Internet-Land!)

And yes, I struggled with that posting thread thing, following directions without understanding the descriptions.
I have a hard time with verbal/written directions in general. Any more than three steps and my brain wants to shut down.

"GLOBES?????" "Where are the dang GLOBES????"

You may have noticed that I still have not mastered the "quote" thing either.
Along with following and replying on others' threads in any sensible way.

I just click on stuff and read, get lost, read more... then write...then get lost.

I'm sure there's a way to follow along more optimally, and I have subscribed to threads/users but I never actually remember to check those lists.

"Watched Topics?"
Hah! I'm "watching" so many I can't possibly keep up.
Likewise any "user" I ever enjoyed reading.
So much great stuff to digest....

Let's just say that doing things in a straight line, step-by-step, is not my usual approach!



Although the results were less than optimal, for a first try posting my past threads--not too shabby!
(Those of you who are not in my head won't realize what a challenge that was for me, but trust me, it was!)

As with everything else, working past one's "weak points" is an ongoing process.
I'm getting better at that every day as I resist the temptation to avoid the things I suck at!

Next time, the process will be easier.

Thanks, Y'All!


---GGG

How to quote

Simplest method to quote is to use the quote button at the bottom.

Next method is to copy what you want to quote and use the fifth button from the right in REPLY mode,
insert text between brackets.

Last and hardest method is to type
I have left out the trailing bracket so you can see what to type.

[quote=GoatGirl]How to quote[/quote

Use the PREVIEW POST button before you hit submit so you can see what your post will look like.

Hope that helps

Yeah... easy for YOU to say.

Comical.... We actually have similar brains.... I don't seem to do anything the way you are "supposed to".

Good to know, Mighty!
Maybe you can help me make sense of the senseless...

OBSERVATIONS:

Thinking back I can see where GUBU HAS, in fact, had reactions to things I've done, although it took some hindsight to see it.

He's back in another cycle of being MIA, and crabby via text.
He doesn't have the guts to lash out in person, he prefers electronic delivery so he doesn't have to look me in the eye.
Since Monday, he went the longest without initiating any contact in recent history.

I heard nothing from him from Monday afternoon, all day yesterday, not until 11:30 this morning.

H: "did they come" (re: tree service)
(No question mark, no saying who "they" might be. Of course I know who "they" are and what he's talking about, but this irritates me, no question about it. Like his finger would hurt from hitting that extra key!)

I answered quickly: "That's scheduled for tomorrow, hope the weather cooperates."
Then nothing from him the rest of the day.
It's very unusual for him not to at least check in on some level, or to respond back.

I mean, I'm here in the boonies with goats with horns... oh well.
He believed me to be going to my open mic night last night, but I was just exhausted and skipped it.
He didn't know that, of course.
(Probably thought I was out bluesing it up downtown.)
---------------------------------------------------
Anyhow, I've been reading Raines' thread over and over and some things she says keep hitting home with me:
How she needed to let her H know it was safe, that he was wanted, that he would have never asked to come home on his own...
That she needed to sort of be there with her hand out for him to see.

Her H and my GUBU are not much alike, except for this sort of tentativeness in the R.
I really feel that my pulling way back is having the opposite effect from the average amoeba.

I initially attributed it to my being somewhat cold to him when I first went dark.
Since then I've warmed up considerably, but still do not initiate, I'm scarce, busy GALing, being happy, looking great.

I was reviewing my Lab Notes from the last few months and I have made the following observations:

1. He never mentioned DIVORCE until I did. As soon as I said that D was the only option if he wasn't willing to deal with things, he called a lawyer the next day and filed within the week. Beat me to the punch.
Prior to this he'd always stated that although he was confused about his feelings, he didn't want a D.
I believe that my threatening him (I did) made him get me before I got him.

2. When I left him three months after I found OW, I stayed with my mother for over a month.
I didn't know it at the time, but I had a mini-meltdown in the grocery store, went home, packed my stuff, took two dogs, and left. Turns out that meltdown was within a hour or two of when he was filing D papers.
(Oops. Not relevant except as weird psychic vibey thing. )

3. During that time I was at my mother's, I was pretty much NC the entire time, except for some text wars.
He could have called, stayed in touch. But he didn't unless I initiated and he seemed almost relieved to hear from me.
I don't think he would have called unless the house had exploded and vanished into a sinkhole...

4. During this time, he also was on FB a lot, I could see him being online all the time. He was actively updating his profile with a bunch of lies about all the books he's read (NOT!!!) among other things.
My thought on this is that he was lonely, figured I was a done deal, and was trolling for somebody new.
Like now. He would have NEVER asked me to come home.

5. He did not serve me with papers. He'd wanted to "talk to me first."
Well, that didn't go well. If I'd found this board, I think I could have diffused the situation.
As it was, I pretty much pushed him into it by saying if he any balls, he'd just do it and stop making me suffer with hanging it over my head!
Which he did.
I don't believe he really would have done it otherwise. I really don't.

6. I'd received a Ukulele in the mail and was posting on FB about how I had no idea who it was from.
I asked if it was him. (DUH! NOPE!!!)
Later he commented that "Someone must be sweet on you."
To which I kind of mumbled, " Yeah, who knows..." He was VERY NICE to me that day!
Later, I made sure to tell him it was a gift from my sister. And he looked relieved.

7. The day we refinanced our house, and he made the comment about "Now we'll have it paid off in 20 years!" I saw him looking at my hand, noticing that I'd taken off my "replacement wedding ring".
That evening he got more irritable, pulled back more, trying to push my buttons, nasty texts, etc.
(The replacement ring was something I was wearing after I'd taken off my ring, and told him that I wanted to wear something because I was still married even though we were in limbo, and I didn't want people getting the wrong idea. I took it off finally after a weekend away. I felt at the time that he felt it was "hanging onto him" and I didn't want to give that impression.
SINCE THIS TIME HE's BEEN MORE ANGRY, MORE DISTANT THAN SINCE I FOUND OW.

8. Shortly after the ring incident, he must have contacted some doctor to get a prescription for Viagra.

9. Sometime in late April-end of June the former OW was either leaving his workplace, or had left. (So it wasn't for her!) Don't know how that's relevant to his mood, if it is at all, but I thought I'd throw that in here.

9. The Saturday when I asked him to get my bicycle down in the garage, but didn't ask him to fix it or ride with me, he got really crabby, grabbed his bike, threw it in his truck, then FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, did not show up on Sunday and was very snippy about it.
I believe he thought there was "a guy" and therefore I didn't need him to work on it.
Later on when he realized that I wanted to ride with my BFF, he went out of his way to get it all fixed up for me.

10. He got snippy and went MIA when he saw a card from a friend that said:
"We'll miss you if you have to go, but your new hometown will be very lucky to have you!"
Shortly after this, he started up with the online dating profile.

11. Last week, when he came to take care of the critters, I forgot that the basement door was locked and went down to let him in after he was yelling up at the open window at me...
He was really snotty about it, acted very put out that one time in 150 I'd made the mistake of thinking I'd left it open when the furnace repair man was here.
He said: "I TEXTED you that I was COMING, like I WAS SUPPOSED TO!!" (Real snarky-like)
After taking a healthy swig from my handy STFU bottle, I told him:
"I'm not one of your employees and I will not be spoken to in that tone."
I went upstairs without another word.
Frankly, in the past, he would have apologized. This time, he didn't do that, or say anything else for almost 24 hours.

12. The next day, he was here and I went down for something.
He looked me up and down and noticed my really cute dress.
Didn't say a word. Neither did I. That night I went out dancing and didn't tell him.

(I have always told him in case something happens to me. Turns out that night I was rear-ended in the middle of the night on a dark side road by a very questionable character. I had two big farm boys riding with me, and so I felt OK when we all got out and exchanged insurance info.
I didn't mention this to H at all, which is a huge 180 for me. No damage, so no claim.. and I still haven't mentioned it.
One good thing is it made me plan for a time when that might happen if I'm out alone. I shudder to think how it could have ended up if I didn't have my wits about me, which is 50/50 these days.)

Anyhow, he got nasty with me again on Sunday evening, after he'd been perusing my spending and no doubt saw the charge for that night. He didn't mention it though.
---------------------------------------

Bear with me now.

I know this flies in the face of some DBing stuff, but MWD also says that if something is NOT working, to stop doing it!

I can see where my GALing "too much" or going "too dark" or not having my hand out a bit is NOT WORKING.
It seems to be pushing him in the opposite direction.
I feel like he needs me to give him an opening, I really do.

The fact is, I don't NEED to GAL. My whole life has been GAL!
I'm independent and interested, and, I hope, interesting.

I never needed to define myself separately from H. I always felt I was a whole person, a strong person, and not just "Half of US".

So a 180 for ME is to be a bit more vulnerable, to ask for his support more...

He's always known that I'm attractive to other men, and that people like me.
It was something he liked about me.

Now I feel he sees this as a threat, that he's not good enough, that I don't need him, don't want him... and so he's making other plans.

Deep in my heart and my gut I feel he'd rather be here, with me, but feels there is too much damage done.
I also know him well enough to understand that he is so fragile now that he can't risk asking anything of me.
-------------------------------------

When all this started, he always talked about moving into the basement.

All he ever did was say "Well, that bathroom is all finished now". And that's what he'd been working towards. He'd been working on that bathroom every weekend since I kicked him out.

All I answered was: "Yeah, it looks great."
And he never mentioned it again.
At the time I thought he should ASK, should discuss coming back, how that would look.

Now I realize that he will probably never do this, and is waiting FOR ME to make the first move.

And instead, I've been ignoring him, being happy without him... kind of like I was doing prior to BD.
He'd put up so many walls between us that I couldn't break down... so I just DBed then, too.

You see where it led...

--------------------------------------------------

So that's what I'm thinking about now.

I see a man who has trapped himself in a mess that he created, and he doesn't know how to get back.
I really feel he is looking to ME for direction here.

As for him "Manning Up" and having the guts to do this himself, I don't think that's going to happen without some support on my end.

For example, he KNOWS I would have loved to hear that OW was no longer at work.
He couldn't even bring it up... I think he was afraid it would open a can of worms.

So this week he makes the comment about replacing "something LIKE" her position, maybe figuring I'd ask. But I didn't.

Now she's been gone weeks and it gets more awkward bringing it up as time goes by.

What is he going to say finally?
"She left MONTHS ago but I was afraid to tell you..."
Knowing that was months I could have been feeling better.

--------------

So tonight when he came, I just jotted a note and left it for him. I didn't see him.
Maybe was the wrong thing, but I felt it should be done.
It said: "Hey, just to let you know, I'm not angry, just giving you the space you seem to need right now".

I don't know if this a good idea, but sometimes when i don't contact HIM, he's told me he was hesitant to do so because he thought I was angry at him. So, I did it.

He texts when he leaves here: "didn't think you were mad"
Me: "That's good. :)"



The fact is--HE'S MAD!! He's BEEN MAD!!
And he is actively looking for my replacement now, whereas before he was really focused on me and being here.
Nothing like that happened until I stepped up my program, so to speak.
There was no one else, he wasn't trying to start up with anyone else.
Now he is and I believe it's because I have led him to believe that we are DONE.
------------------------------------------
I am trying to walk that fine line between letting him know I've got one foot out the door, that I've dropped the rope, I'm not pursuing, but that HE STILL HAS A CHANCE WITH ME AND ALL IS NOT LOST.
That's what I need some help with right now.

-----------------------------------------
OK. I was trying to keep this organized and concise, so to that end, I'll quit while I'm ahead.

I'd like to hear your thoughts, anyhow.


----GGG

PS: Get those 2x 4s ready! I can already hear Wonka saying I'm in his sandbox. And I am!
But I'm telling you, things are getting WORSE, not better with what I've been doing.
It's been two months and we are DEFINITELY further apart than we had been before that.
WAY further apart.