Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Blindsided and lost

I have very, very mixed feelings about this, because honestly - it is exactly what I have been doing for the last 9 months. Ultimately, I think I've decided that I am his wife. I have every single right to live with, sleep with, and vacation with my husband. If I can do that with no expectations right now, then fine. I have detached from him in many ways, and I have not brought up the affair in about 8 weeks.

I have seen changes in H. There have been long spells of silence. I see very little evidence of OW. But he does seem to be doing a better job of connecting at home, with his kids....

This is like trying to watch evolution - the changes come so slowly. But they come.

So - I continue to detach, work on me, pray.....

How is the MC working out? We aren't doing MC. Just IC for me. I wouldn't press the issue of MC or that particular appointment.

Is OW annoyed that her fantasy world isn't moving into reality? Crazy. :roll eyes:

We did a few sessions of MC in May/June and then I asked to stop and switch to IC for a while. He wasn't opening up at all, wouldn't give up OW, we weren't getting anywhere, and I just didn't see the point. I thought IC would be more useful. I have been to IC once, he hasn't been at all although he says he's going to.

The reason for going back to the MC at this point would be to discuss how to deal with/tell the children about a separation. He agreed to this when we first discussed putting some terms around the separation, and he promised that he would not move out until this appointment happened. Since then, I haven't brought it up at all, if he really wants to move out, then he's going to have to do the work around that.

Unfortunately, I have seen almost no change in H since BD. He's emotionally shut down completely. No talk about R, no affectionate pats, no affectionate words, no response to my gestures (e.g. bringing him coffee), no "you're welcome" to my "thank yous", nothing to give me hope. The only reason I have any hope at all is because he hasn't actually moved and because we do in fact get along well. My thought is if I can just wait long enough for OW to turn into the nagging b!tch that I am not, then he may see me as the more attractive option.

Well, I just got an email from H telling me he is starting his search for a new place and asking me what I thought as far a location, size, etc. Our neighborhood is rather expensive and he could either get a small place nearby or a larger place pretty far away.

I am crushed, even though I knew it was coming. I was trying to hide my head in the sand. It didn't work.

^^^^^Any thoughts on how to react?^^^^^ My reply so far has been "thank you for letting me know" and said I'd get back to him.

He's asking about location, how many bedrooms, etc. I don't know what to say. I can't actually tell him my real answer, which is that you are going to crush our children for your own selfish purposes and once you do that I don't give a cr*p what you do.

Help me think through this......

RPP,

I'm sorry you received this news. I know it's difficult. This is strictly my opinion and others may disagree. I wouldn't chime in much on what kind of place your h chooses to live in. It's really his decision so I would suggest not offering up much assistance. He's making a decision and needs to handle it. Unless it's a situation where you genuinely feel you need to offer input (safety for kids, school issue, etc), I would leave it to him.

Hugs, rppfl.

Really - this is hard.

And I wouldn't give up hope yet.

And I TOTALLY agree with Georgiabelle. I would NOT help him with this. This is not the two of you investing in a home together. He's doing this on his own. Cut him loose to do it on his own.

Hiya, RRP!

Just tell H, "I am sure you can figure this stuff out. Good luck!"

Thanks Georgiabelle. I had that initial reaction myself, just wanted to sit with it a bit. The main issue is the trade off between size of the apartment nearby v. further away. In our neighborhood he could probably get a 2BR, which means the girls would be sharing a bedroom, and probably means that D16 would choose not to do see dad as often. Further away, he could get something larger and get them each a bedroom. Safety is not an issue, and they go to private school, so the only issue there is how far away from the schools he moves.

So how would I phrase a reply to him? Just say that it's his decision and he should choose whatever he thinks is best?

When my h got the keys for his rented house he asked if I wanted to see it and also if I wanted to help him pick furniture! I declined. Interestingly he's now been in it 7 months but the kids have never been through the door. He asked them at the start but they said no.

Thinking of you rppfl I'm sure the garden won't be as rosy as he thinks

^^^^^^

What Wonka said. For the record, I've never stepped in my h's apartment and not sure exactly where it is. Not interested in his furniture, walls, etcetera. I'm not rude-just flat out uninterested. Of course, on the flip side he asked me last night the address of the kid's school (private as well) as he was taking them this am. I'm not sure if my thinking is *right*-just best for me. Feistiness be gone :-)
People pick and choose their priorities. When you see what your spouse's biggest concerns are, sometimes you have a light bulb moment. Hang in there! You will be better than ever:-)