Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MY LIFE IS WHAT I MAKE IT AND IT IS AWESOME !

Saw JTM on Monday, all day and into the late eve. I never laughed so hard with a man ... it is SO nice to do this. Especially after all the heartache and anxiety.

He wants me to know that I can laugh, cry, scream and feel very safe with him at all times... that he wants me to know when I'm alone that someone really cares for me. That " he " cares for me.

Today I had to tell him an uncomfortable thing. My friend is coming from N.H. to visit tomorrow and he said he'd like to meet her. At the time I told him I wasn't so sure she'd want to do that, and that I'd have a difficult time keeping my hands and attention off of him! Wink

Well I did discuss this with my girlfriend and she did express that she would prefer to have me to herself. Sooooo this is what I had to relay.

I could have texted this, but I thought that would be insensitive. I just called him, shared the news and he was SO sweet. He told me not to worry, that that was just fine and to have a wonderful weekend with her. He asked me how I was doing and I said I was frantically cleaning to prepare for her.

I also offered to perhaps let him come in the house after the weekend. We laughed about this, for I haven't allowed him into the inner sanctuary! He has been spending so much on us, when we get together. I would like to give him a night off from that and allow him to B&B at my home. So we made tentative plans.
I look forward to this, but am still a bit hesitant... due to my paperwork situation. I would prefer everything to be filed.

I'll rethink this after the weekend and see how I feel later.

I will be picking up my daughter, and then receiving my friend at the air port. We " girl's " will go to lunch and share. She new my daughter since she was a twinkle in my eye, and hasn't seen her since she was a younger child.

I'm looking forward to being with her, for she has been a wonderful and patient friend through out all the anxiety, depression, and drama. I want so much to show her how much I love her and appreciate her friendship. I have a chocolate bucket, and a tea service for her at the bedside. We will be in each other's arms hugging a lot and hopefully NOT crying!!!

The weekend was lovely. Weather cooperated, so my friend and I got out and about. We went to tea, and it was such girly fun! We shopped, talked, I gave her a facial and we both weeded my garden beds.

All in all a nice memory for us two. John said he's busy this week and would I like to join him for lunch on Thursday. He also sent me a recording of his daughter singing.

I'm very tired , for I cannot stay asleep. I'm now trying an over the counter sleep aide. If this doesn't work, the doctor is my last hope.

Lack of sleep is affecting my body and mind.

Not having the best week...H is going to be served and it is irritating him. He wants to micromanage this and get it done cheaply and without help. This is the guy who wanted me to read those books on separation and divorce.

So I start looking out for me, and now it bothers him. Uuuugh, he believes it can be no fault in a NON no fault state! He can just walk away and have what he wants, but I have to be displaced, deal with the grief, and house, and lets just add all the emotional upheaval as well.

I would write what he texted me, but I have too much to get done before three today. Suffice it to say he is still trying to make all the decisions.

I am not feeling very kind, sympathetic, nor empathetic currently. I just want to be left alone, and go on with my new life without him in it.

Hang in there Ambivalent, hopefully it goes smoothly for you and is over soon. I don't think there is such a thing as a cheap divorce is there? We all pay for it one way or another Is your sleep issue (lack of sleep I should say) stress related? I'm sure you've tried just about everything at this point - I watch the same movie every night or one of about 5 that I know backwards and forwards and it puts me to sleep every time. Meditation helps, journaling, deep breathing exercises, no coffee or sugar after 7, plenty of exercise during the day. Maybe a hot bath or some aromatherapy before bed. Do you have a sound machine? I use white noise to block out any other noises and black out drapes even though it's night time. I usually wake up around 3am most nights but fall back to sleep pretty quickly. Good luck to you - having the D finalized may be just what you need for sleeping!

Thanks TL72.

It was stressful, I was preparing the house for my dinner with JTM and he would NOT stop texting me. H. was telling me my attorney was wrong, and then proposing an outlandish agreement.

After 33 years together he suggested I take on half of the debt he incurred by NOT paying the IRS. I'm guesstimating he is in at minimum 150,000. to the Fed, I don't know about the state. At least the loan on the house doesn't have my name on it.

He proposed two years of a set amount of money..didn't list, and then another two years at a lesser amount!
My state has it calculated quite differently. Four years after 33 years, no pension, no health insurance...REALLY. I'm amazed he thought I'd even respond to it!

I sent back a polite " No thank you. ". Please contact me via e-mail. I had to request this three times before he would stop texting and bullying me. I'd seen him bully others before... now I get to be the recipient.

I keep saying to myself... bullies bully because they're afraid.

I also know why men or Martians behave in anger. He is down, the escape he thought he had is turning out to be a fantasy. He still has obligations, still has debt, and is about to incur more because , as he put it : " You are choosing to make this adversarial and costly by hiring an attorney. "

So the person who made unilateral decisions about our lives is now complaining that I have representation, wants to end limbo, and is moving on with my life.

I believe I must have interrupted his plan of how he believed things were going to go. Hopefully I won't get cut off immediately. He could do that, and it would be very messy. I'm hoping he cares enough about what his daughters think of him and will not become a monster.
I do not know this guy, and anything is possible.

Plans for me:

Focus on positives in my life

Focus on studying for state exams

Schedule first exam

Study and schedule for second exam

Enjoy being in the "now" with JTM

Try and enjoy the time I have left in my home

Enjoy the time I have with dance and make the most of gym membership while I have it

Do not respond to ANY texts

so true, anything is possible. good for you on listing your goals and really going for it. I like your positive attitude despite the cr*p going on, it's good to count your blessings even in the midst of a terrible sitch. You are an inspiration

I am trying and it isn't easy. I struggle with mind reading and insecurities but I don't divulge it . Fake it 'til I make it. HA!

Just don't want to be a shrew and become bitter, it is so ugly.

BLECH!

I have a feeling you will not allow yourself to be a bitter shrew you've been at this a year, you appear to be blossoming. We all have our moments of bitterness, I know I do. Totally normal right! You'll work through it and tomorrow will be a better day. Focus on the positives like you listed - you've definitely got some great things going on in your life.

Well the last two days I've been dealing with depression. Having contact with H. has sent my head a whirling. Fear is gripping me.

Fear of: Where the heck will I live? How long do I have 'til something happens with the house... H. hasn't paid mortgage

What if I don't pass the state's exams?

Will I be saddled with the debt he put us in?

Will he actually pay support when ordered ? He has years of history of not paying the Fed, and some bills.

Fear is gripping me as bad as the first BD. I'm trying to shake it, but cannot seem to...

You will be okay. You will be better than okay. One day at a time. Stop worrying about what you cannot control. It's a waste of energy ( I tell myself this very same thing). You can do this