Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife wants marriage with OM, is there any hope?

Wouldn't this qualify as pursuing? I don't think she's comfortable spending 1 on 1 time with me at the moment. I think it's too recent since our last big argument (only a week ago). And our most recent "small" argument was on Friday morning (when she was upset that I wasn't upset).

Doing the LRT is supposed to be for when you have tried

EVERYTHING ELSE FIRST

AND

ALL those things have failed...THEN you do the LRT.

But I don't believe that you have tried much, for long, at all. I think you are looking for "simple" fixes. Things that require LESS of you, sure seem to appeal the most to you.

Despite words to the contrary about all the things you "would be" willing to do (if what??), you find reasons not to do any of them. I mean, your letter to her was mostly about YOUR pain.

If what I'm saying is true, What does that say about how marriage to you would be for her, even now?

25 - In the book (DR), it says to go right to LRT if the WAW is in an affair and refuses to end it.

Hmmm, I don't recall it that way. Can you cite me where you found that? What page, exactly?

I just re-read DR, (pp 177-182 on LRT), and I could not find that "instruction". If it is in those pages, it's well hidden or not clear to ME.

Here is what I found that struck me as relevant to your situation:

"if you are absolutely convinced that you have tried the other methods and have given them enough time to work and they have all failed, then you may need to try LRT..."

On p. 177 (DR) it says:

"The LRT is really no different than the 180' technique. The reason it is listed separately is b/c of its importance.

When there are marital difficulties and a person fails to do a 180', the problems get worse. However when a marriage teeters on divorce and a person fails to use the last-resort technique, divorce is almost inevitable....'

AND

"...although these acts of desperation are understandable, they unfortunately have the paradoxical effect of increasing the chances of divorce..."

I'd be happy to explore this further but I didn't find what you found in the book. So if you can refer me to where you found it, maybe i can explore that with you.

I don't have the book with me, but I'll be able to tell you the page when I get home.

I recall seeing the recommendation in at least one of two places, perhaps both.

1. The first place was right at the beginning of the LRT section. It lists out when the LRT should be used. There were two bullet points that stood out, if I recall. The first said to use the LRT when talk of divorce is serious -- not just in the heat of battle. The second referenced something about the WAS being in an affair.

2. The next place I found it was in the "affairs" section under the subheading "When the spouse refuses to end the affair" (or something like that).

I could be somewhat mistaken, but let me review it again tonight when I get home.

You need to start a new thread.

BTW, the thing with DB is that you need to change your strategy based on your situation. In your case LRT wouldn't necessarily work because YOU were the one that had multiple affairs. She has no reason to "miss" you or want to be with you because of that.

oh yeah, there's that^^^. So what 180s and other approaches and techniques have you tried for long enough to monitor, and know they failed?

I didn't see ANY.

So you are saying YOU don't need to try the other approaches b/c of HER affair...how convenient for you to get to skip steps the rest of us had to slog thru...

See, it doesn't really matter to ME that you found a sentence or two that MAY support your strategy, (but I'd sure like to see the context of that remark)

b/c I just read the whole section on LRT, and it did not even mention affairs making a difference.

So I doubt that having an affair "mandates" skipping the steps of DBing and going right to LRT.

I could be wrong of course. But I think there is always an argument FOR trying what works for everyone else, and NOT insisting that your situation is so unusual that the rules don't apply to YOU.

The only unusual thing about your situation is your personal history of infidelity AND how hypocritically you have approached your wife's single affair.

I would love to see some progress in that area, b/c otherwise I don't hold out much hope that you will turn this around.


And yeah, you need a new thread. Do you know how to start a new one?

New thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...111#Post2476111