Oh yeah, Bob, there is no OM. I did the EA after I have up hope after doing the beg, plead, reason stupidity. Got my crap together again and I'm not quitting anymore.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Ok. Failed again. Went small today w/ gifts and she wanted a fuss. I was trying to not do the "try to make up for bday all at once" thing. I should have. She wanted cake and presents. So, tomorrow, cake and presents. A few, and good ones. Help!
if you kno\ew WHAT she wanted then why didn't you tell US that? I assumed you had no clues.
If you have clues, follow them. If you knew she wanted some fuss, (which I would have suspected) but thought you simply had a reason for giving up, then make a fuss...
but now I wonder if you see that -- you stop BEFORE you fail and then you seem to ensure that you do fail. What's up with that?
Do you know what I'm saying?
You blew the birthday for reasons NOT clear to me
(b/c you did not follow the advice I gave or the advice of anyone in favor of a gift, ) and then you still thought after doing basically nothing for her, from you, that doing little things now, would make up for it?
WHY?
Didn't you tell us you could not make up for it "now" with a real gift, but now it seems you could have.
Better late than never is real. Why does it seem you are deliberately sabotaging yourself??
Do you get what I'm saying? You seem to think "Oh I blew it, too late now to do a great thing, better lower my/her expectations and do something half ass which MAYBE I can manage...OOOPS! She wanted me to do an adult thing, so NOW what??
and then you act surprised or set up, but it's you who keeps setting the bar so low for yourself.
What do you think about all this?
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 08/05/1406:14 AM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hell Joe, this is easy. Why are you making it so hard?
Your wife is 32 years old with kids. She's a cakewalk when it comes to birthdays.
The 30's are tough on women so you gotta make her feel beautiful...because she is. She is the most beautiful woman in the world. How many times have you said this? Speaking from the perspective of a woman who was once in her 30s, it's not that decade where our looks are most fragile, or at least wasn't for me. The mis 40s are when I began to really worry about aging and I found that most of my friends were in the same boat.
I think small thoughtful gifts, (not for birthdays but "for no reason" and "just because") are fine. For special occasions, yes, women want to be able to tell their sisters/friends what their 'h's got them b/c women friends and sisters will ask. It needs to be a gift that requires a lot of thoughts AND OR money. Do not scrimp on her gifts and do not choose that time to cut back...
We want to feel loved in other peoples eyes as well as our own, which is another reason gifts matter. Take her out and show her off. Don't whine about not having money. This is where you spend it. Consider it an investment in your future. Her birthday is a great excuse to romance the dickens out of her. I think most of this^^ is spot on. But you know her, so use your insights if this^^ is not the right recipe for your w.
So do it. But do it right. She in her 30's and wondering if this is all her life is going to be. She doesn't want to feel old. Who does? well, no one "wants" to feel old. But she's only in her 30s...so I'm thinking she wants to feel as if romance has not passed her by. And if she is good looking, or once was, she does not want to think her beauty days are over now and all she'll ever look like is someone who is okay with a man who weighs twice what he should (sorry if that hurts, I don't mean to offend).
Just saying that part of what makes a woman feel beautiful is being with a man who takes care of himself. Going out with a h who does not dress well or is too "scruffy" and or who has let himself go, FEELS unattractive to a lot of women.
Food for thought.
Taking her out isn't about food, dancing, seeing a play or anything else. It's about how you make her feel when she is with you. If you make her feel young, vibrant and exciting then she'll want to be with again.
Not to quibble, but seeing a play or a show or going dancing would for many women, feel like romance... and those would feel vibrant and exciting. Don't rule those out, please. I fell in love with my h on the dance floor our first dozen dates. To this day, when we dance, I KNOW it'll be a great night.
But What does YOUR wife like to do? How about when you were dating?
For crying out loud--spend the money and make her feel like a princess.
A rose is great. Poems are great.
For a 55 year old woman. Uh, well...
I can actually recall getting a few poems while I was dating my h, (& I was quite young) and I really liked them. I still have each one.
So as much as Bob is giving you well intended advice on what HE thinks HIS wife would like, don't let that be rigidly applied. I loved getting poems years ago. Yes in my 20s and 30's.
I don't know many women MY age who enjoy getting a poem (unless it's really well written or hilarious) or a single flower -- as much as I did decades ago.
That's just MY experience. Like I said, nothing rigidly "written" here. Think about your wife and what you would describe her like, to others.
But women their early 30's wants to go out and be shown off. She wants to dress up and wear makeup. Especially if she has kids. She wants to brag to all her girlfriends what you did for her. Give her something to brag about. I think this^^ is always true for most women. It's not age dependent.
You want to do a 180? Start now. Quit analyzing her and take action. Do you think the guy who broke up your marriage walked around wringing his hands wondering what he should do?
Whoah....What guy broke up her m? Oh, I think you have confused him with someone else. That is Not Joe's situation. Well not yet anyhow.
NO! He figured out how to steal your wife and he did. That's what creeps like him do.
At least learn from him. And then beat him at his own game. This is your wife. You know the map to her heart. If you don't--learn it.
When a woman says "a trip with them by myself is not the same" she is giving you permission to plan a trip with her. For the love of God---plan a trip! I agree with this^^^ about trips, and we have given you ideas about said trip. Take some advice instead of wringing your hands and telling yourself it won't be good enough so don't bother with anything....that's a sure fire fail
** does a part of you want to fail and say "but I tried"???
Vacations are a GREAT place to lay the ground work for makeup sex and makeup sex means MAKING UP!!!
She's your wife. You can either start planning dates that knock her socks off and plan romantic vacations that remind her what a great team you are..
or...
...you can save your money and see your kids on weekends.
Come on man. I'm rooting for you!
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Oh yeah, Bob, there is no OM. I did the EA after I have up hope after doing the beg, plead, reason stupidity. Got my crap together again and I'm not quitting anymore.
GOOD to hear. Now, about those 180s and GAL....and your work on YOU....
any news?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I didn't really have a clue. I still don't know WHAT she wants. I do know now that I need to go big. I'm looking into jewelry. Also kicking around the idea of trading in the mini-van and getting a new Honda Pilot...which is what she really wants car-wise. And whatever I decide, I may need to go in for some big flowers.
I have to do something, it needs to be big. She's looking for the HUGE I'm sorry, I failed, I get it, I want to save this gesture. I'm going further into debt today.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
I didn't really have a clue. I still don't know WHAT she wants. I do know now that I need to go big. I'm looking into jewelry. Also kicking around the idea of trading in the mini-van and getting a new Honda Pilot...which is what she really wants car-wise. And whatever I decide, I may need to go in for some big flowers. Ever think about planting some? They last longer and take work on your end, but I don't know your w. Speaking for myself, if my h planted a row of flowers that are in bloom now or will be soon, it would hit me in a good way.
I have to do something, it needs to be big. She's looking for the HUGE I'm sorry, I failed, I get it, I want to save this gesture. I'm going further into debt today.
What does "save this gesture" mean? Explain please.
And if she'd really like a car that you need or will need relatively soon, then you were going to go into some debt for it anyhow, you could make it now.
But then I wonder...maybe you should not pretend the car you were going to buy anyhow, is for her birthday. Is that like buying the "family" a repaired fireplace and telling her it was a personal gift "for her".
I do recall my bil laying carpet down for my sister (she really wanted new carpet in their bedroom or living room) and him not telling her, but on Christmas morning, she unwrapped a box which had a piece of the ne carpet in it.
She figured out that he had laid the carpet down himself, in both their living room and bedroom. I was very impressed. My sisters and I looked at OUR husbands and said things like "THAT is a nice gift..hint hint....'"
HOWEVER, I wonder if that car gift, sounds more like a family expense that was coming down the road anyhow. Hmm, let's See what other women around here are thinking.
Ideas? Fellow women, (and guys who KNOW women), thoughts??
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 08/05/1405:33 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Oh yeah, Bob, there is no OM. I did the EA after I have up hope after doing the beg, plead, reason stupidity. Got my crap together again and I'm not quitting anymore.
GOOD to hear. Now, about those 180s and GAL....and your work on YOU....
any news?
Joe, we hammer 180s and GAL for one truly simple reason.....
they really help. They work. I gave you a list of my GAL while I lived in Alaska, with 3 kids including an infant. You pretty much said nothing if I'm not mistaken.
Well, actually You conceded that inertia is your "biggest problem" ---and then you said nothing more...
(so you let it remain your biggest problem??)
What are you going to do to start OVERCOMING inertia, since you identified it as a longstanding problem for you? And what about getting some good counseling?
Your behaviors over the past few years sound so apathetic, that it sounds to me like depression.
How about getting some professional help NOW, (and not waiting til you are on an actual ledge?)
I can't think of anyone who was successful in their DB efforts, who did not have a good IC. I know I Sure did.
I had a very good pro marriage solution based IC, AND I had a great DB coach, (Godsend!) and a great support system here, and in real life, and I saw a shrink a few times as well.
I literally cannot think of anyone who did this well, without help.
What do you think about getting a professional's help now?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
OK, in regards to the GAL and the 180s. I'm getting to the gym regularly. Starting to get up super-early to get there and back before she leaves for work. This is a double 180 because it shows that I'm not going to just be lazy, but that I'm up and going early. Plus I get the exercise and the energy bonus from that.
I finally got in touch with the soccer people, so I'm going to start that league right after labor day when their next season starts.
I've seen a solution based IC that is pro marriage twice. I am scheduled to see her again next week and will continue to do that as much as possible. I'm thinking every two weeks until I'm fully on-track or I can't afford it anymore. She also does couples work and the 4 free reset with the start of that, so if my W decided to give it a shot, we'd be all set.
I'm also reconnecting with some of my old friends. Working on it.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
The car isn't a need. Our van is just fine...great actually. But I think it makes her feel frumpy. She doesn't even drive it really anymore. She took over my 2010 Corolla, which she also isn't into because it is very no-frills. So yeah, a nice, new Pilot would be more present than practical.
I think she threw the window open some for me because she threw out three ideas for gifts for her. I don't think I'll go for them directly necessarily, but I will use them to get started. She liked a monogram necklace off of etsy, but I'm wondering if I might find something cooler and more impressive at the jewelers. I think I need to show her that she is far more important than any amount of money I might have to spend.
I did get one plus today. I took the kids to her work and had them deliver her cake pops from Starbucks and a big Diet Coke since she left late this morning and wouldn't have stopped at Circle K and gotten her own. I waited outside. She walked them out and thanked me.
We then went and got a piñata so we can have another birthday celebration for her tonight. The kids want to do one every night this week.
Thinking about tickets to the Seahawks/Packers season opener, since she's from WI and the Packers are definitely something we have in common. Tough ticket to get though.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
If I can scratch the $716 together, I'm going to get the tickets. And a Jersey she wants.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
