Ohmygosh! I was thinking huh???? while reading that. "The cult of the married LBS" LOL. Definately change the way of thinking, tho. It takes alot of discipline but it's well worth the results.
Last night was great! Went climbing w/the "why not adventure" group, then to a Mex. restaurant. I had asked H on Sunday if he wanted to meet up after and he said he wasn't sure. So, I DID NOT pursue. I left it at that & figured he knows where I'll be! Surprise! He left a vm on my phoney phone and said that he would be heading up to the Mex. rest. at about 10. That was nice! I introduced him to some people. I used to "coddle" him b/c he is so shy, now I just act as if he isn't and then he isn't!
This morn. we both woke up before alarm clock. I said I had to go to the store in the am to get dog food...unless you will do it for me. He said that he would & did! yay!! And, he took the movie back that I watched while he wasn't talking to me on Friday.
Tonight I have the option to go for girls' night out to Friday's or go play vball. If I play vball, that would mean din. w/h prob. H is going out Wed. We are biking Thurs w/the group, and I still need to talk to my cousin about Fri. Should I just buck up and spend all this time away from him???
I know before it has done wonders for HIM...but for me??? I think it helps me too, it's just getting past the separation anxiety stage that is hard for me.
You sound great. Realize your H probably wants to be around you, we do like to be around women, but he's unsure about something, most likely himself.
" . . . it's just getting past the separation anxiety stage that is hard for me."
I understand FULLY. WAW moved yesterday. We have not been close for a long time and certainly have not participated in any activities together in past forever. But know, your H will be there sometimes and sometimes it is best to get out on your own. Difficult to do, easy to say.
((Pam!)) I hope you don't leave altogether, or hopefully, I will see you on IM!
Monday night I went climbing, my friend called and said that Girl's Night Out was Tuesday, so I had to decide if I wanted to do that or go to vball. H told me he was going out Wed. We plan to bike Thursday eve. w/club. Friday I said I was going out, Sat. he said he was going out. Whew!
So last night I went home for a while, he asked if I decided. I asked if it was ok if I ditch him for dinner. He sighs jokingly and says "I guess...I can call M. And, I was thinking about ditching tomorrow night since it will be the only night that we can really spend together." Me: "you and me? Me and you?" smiling. He says, "yes, I said 'we'". So I give him a big hug. He makes his call, asks if I am napping or not, if not, he will sit w/me for a few before he has to get ready. I say come sit and we snuggle a little. I can see sparkle in his eyes!!!
Yippee!!! So, how to get along tonight? I've been feeling pretty well, thinking about my cog. distortions, and reading and doing exercises on MoodGYM.com. Interesting site, uses the phrase WUTIWUF. (What u think is what u feel).
Well, Here goes Wed. eve. I come home from work, h is on the puter. ok, no prob. I go to lay down for a few, he comes in and asks what I am doing. I said, "Just laying here for a few minutes. I just need to get work out of my mind and then we'll be able to have a nice, relaxing evening." H: ok, what do you want to do? Me: I would like to go to Joe Shmo's for a BLT. H: OK, when? Me: I'm going to take a shower in a few min. (He knows exactly how long it takes me to get ready.) I get ready, he's still on the puter. Me: I need to go pick up a prescription. H: ok. I come back, he's still on the puter. H: when will you be ready to go? Me: anytime (Hello! I've been ready-x time went by, I spritzed, I've perfumed, etc. Mind you-I was looking SeXy!!!) H: ok. Puts on a sweater, comes out. Me: **sniff sniff** you didn't put on any cologne? H: I don't want it to clash w/my sports deodorant. Me: oh, I can't smell it unless I stick my nose in your pits. (Joking) H sprays, puts shoes on, we go to din.
Din: I am being pleasant and talkative, he responds but does not start much convo. himself. He doesn't ask if I want to do anything else, and drives home. We sit on couch and talk. He lays back and starts falling asleep! It is 9:20!!! So, I go do some laundry, brush my teeth, etc. I go into bedroom to fold some laundry. He crawls into bed. I asked if he was just gonna pass out. Him: pretty much. Ok, I get into bed just staring at the ceiling. H: what are you doing? Me: just trying to figure out what to do w/myself since you are sleeping. Little time goes by, I pick up book, put it down, turn out light. H says that wasn't long. Me: no. H: is something bothering you?
Me: yeah, a little...i just feel dissappointed that we had this eve. together and you are falling asleep. H: well, i didn't sleep well last night. Me: I'm not mad, just a little dissappointed. No response from him, he goes to sleep. I get up for a while, go back to bed.
This morn. H said goodbye very quickly. (I stayed in bed in the dark so he wouldn't notice that I had been crying.) He leaves, I get up, he comes in and asks if I still want him to fix light bulb on my truk. Yes, I say, that would be good. Thanks. (I don't look at him b/c I don't want him to see my face.)
Ok, here's the deal. I'm supposed to act as if this doesn't bother me??? If he were going out w/his friends, he would have taken a nap during the day (he didn't do anything all day), shaved, ironed some nice clothes, put on cologne, gel his hair, put on nice shoes, and go out until 12 - 2 in the am. Am I not worth it???
He just denied the other day that he puts more effort into going out with his friends. This happens all the time. He's too tired, sore, crabby with me. He doesn't want to do anything, he doesn't want to be romantic. So, I know his response would be, "I would put more effort into our R if you didn't get upset all the time."
I think that I am doing much better and making a sincere effort to change! Sorry, I get disappointed!!
SAME OLD SAME OLD!!! WTF do I do? I feel like telling him to do whatever he needs to do to get over this grudge he has against me. I feel like he is being passive aggressive. There have been other instances where he agrees to go out and then doesn't talk! or something...
We are not that OLD! He does have a physically demanding job I know, but he was off Tues. & Wed, just laying around, did some laundry, picked up some car parts.
Am I being insane??? I would like to have a fun, romantic R, but I feel so lonely in this R. I know I have done my share of f'ing up, and still do occassionally, but it is less, and at least I own up to it!
I don't know what to do later. we are supposed to bike, but it may rain all day. I really don't feel like it...
I don't know what to tell you on H but I do think you should go biking.
I have pretty much quit doing anything other than play cards on the computer and sleep.
This morning I actually straightened up my kitchen waiting to let the dogs back in and I could tell I felt better for having been more active.
And I know from reading your threads that being active seems to help your moods. Not saying you don't have a right to be upset. But that being upset won't get you closer to your goals.
Have a great day. GO BIKING!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: Ok, here's the deal. I'm supposed to act as if this doesn't bother me??? If he were going out w/his friends, he would have taken a nap during the day (he didn't do anything all day), shaved, ironed some nice clothes, put on cologne, gel his hair, put on nice shoes, and go out until 12 - 2 in the am. Am I not worth it???
He just denied the other day that he puts more effort into going out with his friends. This happens all the time. He's too tired, sore, crabby with me. He doesn't want to do anything, he doesn't want to be romantic. So, I know his response would be, "I would put more effort into our R if you didn't get upset all the time."
I think that I am doing much better and making a sincere effort to change! Sorry, I get disappointed!!
My 2 cents...yah, you are doing better...seems like there are longer periods of time between when you get upset (disappointed) with h...but you're still personalizing his actions (you're judging YOUR worth on how much effort he puts into getting ready to go out with you?), still expressing that you're disappointed (which I'm sure sounds like "I'm disappointed in YOU" -- even if that's not what you meant). You KNOW (and stated) what h's response would be to you, Karen...you KNOW that you need to drop the rope and relax and stop acting like what he does just plain isn't good enough.
How would YOU feel if he had been the one lying in bed staring at the ceiling and his response to a query was "well, karen, I'm just a little disappointed in XYZ"?
What if, next time you go out, no matter how much effort he did or didn't put into getting ready, no matter how early he wanted to end the evening, you just said at the end of it "I had a really lovely time with you tonight, h. I cannot wait to do it again."
Quote: SAME OLD SAME OLD!!! WTF do I do? I feel like telling him to do whatever he needs to do to get over this grudge he has against me. I feel like he is being passive aggressive. There have been other instances where he agrees to go out and then doesn't talk! or something...
Was the "same old, same old" referring to HIM, Karen or to YOU???? And...said as gently as I can...there's more than one grudge being held in this m, no????
You asked me the other day (paraphrasing) what turned things around for me...being grateful for every "gift" that h gave me...his time (even if I wanted more), his words (ditto), his gift of self. As soon as I started wondering why he wasn't giving me more...and I mean REALLY STOPPED WONDERING...I found myself overwhelmed with his generosity.
I suspect if you start making your h feel as though he is good enough in his actions towards you, Karen, he'll surprise you with how much more he can give. I also suspect if you keep making him feel as though nothing he does is enough...well, he'll pull back more.
Sorry if this is too blunt. I see so much good stuff in your sitch.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Ha ha! It was too late to change it! Shucks! 