there? Oh, and just so you know, this will NOT mean a mixed signal has been sent. If you become calm and kind and gentle, he will NOT suddenly say "Gee I guess she doesn't care. If only she'd nag or criticize me THEN I'd know she cares"..
see how wacky that is? That's old stinking thinking. Don't do that anymore.
Be a woman only a fool would leave. Start now.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Just had a quick chat with H. He asked me if I had a good day. Our daughter is having trouble behaving in pretty much every situation so we chatted about that a bit. I asked him if he had a good day besides that. He basically said the following:
well, yes and no. i mean, we've talked about this before and I shouldn't be complaining to you but I know what i have to do (move out) but it's a downgrade to do that (meaning the places he's looking at aren't all that great). It's scary, you know? (this is where I validated and listened a lot!) It's scary to leave and it's scary to stay but I know what i have to do, it's just hard. I shouldn't be complaining to you about this. I just have no projects at work, I mean, I have stuff on the horizon but nothing I'm working on right now to dive my head into so I'm not thinking about this so much so it's hard.
I said: well, maybe that's a good thing right now. it gives you the ability to look at places which you wouldn't be able to do if you were snowed under with work. I know it's hard though. It's not an easy situation to be in.
Him: yeah. well, I appreciate you realizing that. It's really not easy. Alright, I don't want to bring you down, you seem chipper and happy and I don't want to bring you down so I'm going to go return some emails and then go to bed early. Goodnight.
Ok! So, help me out here. He said it was " hard to leave and hard to stay" which is totally true, I'm sure it's not easy to leave an unhappy relationship. It's a big step and a difficult one to take for happiness. Just the fact that he said it was also hard to stay makes me think he's considered that. That's a BIG change from just a week ago where he said he doesn't want to stay and can't imagine considering it. Woo hoo! It's not a huge win but I'll take anything right now. I didn't plead or beg or talk about the future or point out my changes or intended changes... I just listened, validated and was friendly, respectful, honorable and open. Wow! It wasn't terribly hard but I had to be very conscious of not showing a sad face or disappointed face. And the chat didn't deflate me like I thought it might midway through. I'm still here and I'm STILL STANDING (which is what my screen name stands for, btw).
He said he wanted to talk to a MC about how to talk to our daughter about the separation. He says he knows what he wants to say but he wants us to be on the same page. I know he wants to say "everything will be fine" and I think that's a lie to tell to a 6 year old but maybe I'm being dramatic. I'm not sure, I haven't thought about it much. Too busy with LRT.
Please give me your thoughts and/or feedback. Keep doing what I'm doing? Whatcha got for me?!
I'm pretty sure he noticed. But you know what? Even if HE didn't, YOU Did
-- and another thing --
at a minimum you did NOT add to the pile of "oops" and "oh crap, I just hurt him again".
And that's^^ something!!
Keep it up, you will grow and become a better woman b/c of all this
and that is no small thing.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
What great advice 25yrsmlc listed above. That will help for sure.
Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14 I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
Today I'm feeling pretty good. I had a session with my coach this morning and we spent some good time looking at the positives, taking a step back and looking at how far I've come in just a week with my recommitment to LRT, the realization that I've really done a good job of identifying a lot of the things I need to work on and starting on them already. I'm proud of myself. The hard work is just beginning, I know. Digging deeper and repairing myself. I feel guilt which is unproductive but I need to take it in for what it is. I'm amazed at how empowering all this work on myself is and how it's helping me not to dwell on what he did to me in the marriage and instead focus on what I can change, what I did to fail him, how I let myself go there for so long, why I was so resistant to real, substantive change for so long and how I let it ruin our marriage. I'm working on that. All of that.
I am SO grateful for this gift of time right now. I marvel at what an amazing opportunity I've been given by H to do this soul searching, this DEEP inventory of myself and to be able to do it with the long term hope of sharing my changes with him really humbles me. Granted, he gave me this gift by wanting to D but unfortunately it took that for me to really listen, really look and really work on me. I'll have to live with that forever but today I'm doing well thanks to so many of you who have cheered me on, knocked me over with 2x4s and picked me back up with your encouragement and personal stories and insights. Today i'm walking the walk and talking the talk and I'm proud of me.
LRT seems to be doing it's magic and I'm closely for looking for positive signs. One week ago he was hardly speaking to me and VERY cautious. He went out, did his own thing, avoided me. Now I've noticed he seeks me out to talk to me, tell me something funny in his day, texts me to see how my day is, asks if I needed anything at the store, even invited me along today to the farm he was taking d to. I declined saying I appreciated the invitation but had made other plans. He said no problem and went on his way. I went out and took care of me (mani/pedi!!!) and came home to a quiet house to read. When they came home he came up to chat with me, tell me how their day went. Then later I took a chance and asked if he had plans for dinner and suggested we go for sushi, if he was up for it. He immediately said, sounds great, let me look up a good place. He took my daughter and I out, laughed, made jokes, was very take charge but not over bearing and we had a GREAT time. The only reference to everything going on was "I really need to exercise. With everything going on I'm ballooning". I just said, "well, you seem to really like those long hikes in the mountains" to which he said, "yeah but it's just so freaking HOT lately". I just listened, said nothing further. Now we are home all sitting on the couch together, even the dog, watching Jumanji.
These are all positive, right? He was just out looking at places to move into the other day. I'm confused. No talk of the future or anything. How do I proceed? Just keep on doing what I'm doing? Help!!
Such great news! I agree with Claire, keep doing what your doing. If it works don't change it!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
