^^ Bea and Heather. WTF was that all about, GGG? No one is responsible for the choices another person makes/does. How can one say that you are partly responsible for the cheating part done by another person? 'Splain that! Even the MLC part. Oh my...that's like saying you are 50% responsible for stealing oxygen from your other fellow humans. Huh?
Wow, wonka! I love that quote defining the difference between compassion and pity. What a perspective-giver that is!
Separately, isn't it true that in "some" cases, infidelity is brought on because the cheater wasn't getting what he/she needed so they look for it elsewhere? I'm not saying it's 50% the cheated ons fault at all but there's something missing, no? Except of course in the ever crazy world of MLC, where the sky is purple.
I have heard from others "with wisdom" that every marriage is a partnership and I need to own my part its breakdown.
(Not on this site, although the first responder to my first post ever intimated that I needed to see how I contributed. Frankly, that upset me at the time.)
It's "common knowledge" that when men are happy at home, they don't cheat, right? WRONG!!! ------------------------------------ I always said his choices had nothing to do with me. Was I perfect? Nope. But he could have handled it any number of ways that might have been constructive if he really had issues with me in the M.
His porn use? That's because I'm frigid/uptight. (No, and not hardly.)
His OW? Because I didn't do enough to please him at home. (See sex, above.)
His filing for divorce? As I think I've said, the rumor in my town is that I am a big slut and cheated on him all over the place. Yup. That's right people! I'm a big whore.
(I found that out when I went to my vet's office to pick up dog meds and nobody could look me in the eye. Finally I was told... Him v. Me says: SHE DID WRONG!!!)
Perhaps some of this is true. (NOT the "I'm a whore" part!)
But maybe I could have tried harder to guess what made him "happy" but he never gave me a clue. He never complained.
He also didn't LIKE me to do things for him, he would yell at me: "You're NOT my MOTHER!!!" He was not comfortable letting his needs or wants be known, or even that he HAD any. (Can you say "Intimacy Disorder"???)
I see now I could have stroked his ego more, spoken more of his LL, but does not doing that perfectly make me a bad wife?
I was willing and able to do ANYTHING he felt he needed. He only had to communicate that to me! You know, when you ask someone what's wrong, or what they want, and they say, "Nothing." Then they get mad that you don't read their minds... -----------------------------------
Anyhow. I never believed it. Even though more than once he tried to make it out to be my fault. (Of course.)
Here's the funny thing. On his dating profile, he referred to how wonderful he would be "with the right person."
I thought about that more. (Surprise! )
I realized that's quite odd.
I mean, I'm ME, regardless of who I'm with! I have all the same qualities whether I'm with the bagger at the grocery store, or with my H, or out on the dance floor.
"WHO I AM" isn't dependent on the person with whom I'm involved.
Maybe he doesn't really know who he is, or he wants to be a certain type of person, but thinks that he can only achieve this when he is with the "right" person to make it so.
If that isn't twisted thinking, I don't know what is. -------------------------------------
But I entertained myself today with thoughts of all the fun "dates" he might get via his dating site.
If they're anything like him, they've lied too! They'll show up and be older than they said, and more. I'm sure it will be an eye-opener for him.
Plus, the guys I saw on there--about 75% of the ones I viewed, CLEARLY were not their stated ages by their pictures. And the pictures were probably old anyway!
I'm sure the women are just as bad, or worse....
I wish him luck! ---------------------------
Anyway. Tomorrow I'm off to another three day dance event, DJing and dancing. (I'm off restriction with my hip, so hopefully it will not Gumby out on me again!)
GUBU will be here taking care of the critters, and I will be with friends, doing what I love. Plus, I get to actually sleep in a nice hotel with no dogs waking me up night after night, and no roosters crowing their heads off at 3:30 AM....
I'll read but will keep the posting to a minimum.
Crisis Postings Only!
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I had a marriage counselor justify my H's cheating by saying that to me. He was getting his needs met. I was livid.
No. An affair is emotional abuse. Period.
We all go with unmet needs from time-to-time. That's marriage...kids, bills, jobs, etc...
If he was unhappy in the marriage, then he coulda gotten OUT of the marriage and THEN found another mate. He didn't. He chose to disrespect me and dishonor our children by cheating while still within the bounds of marriage.
Sorry, this really gets me going. It's like blaming a rape victim.
It's emotionally abusive to cheat on your spouse. It just is. It's abandoning a relationship and partner BEFORE you give them any chance to mend what's wrong.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I don't make this stuff up. Even the "pros" say we're at least partly to blame.
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
GGG, I can't believe his profile! Do they even think that is who they are? Can they be so very deep in the fog that they really believe they are who they describe? I really think that may be the case. Maybe they want so badly to be that person and aspire to be what they say they are. Kind of like how they try on different personalities (my shy W has wanted to be "outgoing" all her life. Well, when she tried that one on at her company X-mass party all the people she worked with thought she was drunk! And she was happy about it!). Always remember, they are truly, totally CRAZY!! (Of course that doesn't explain the oral sex references but that's a whole other can of worms!)
Anyway. Tomorrow I'm off to another three day dance event, DJing and dancing. (I'm off restriction with my hip, so hopefully it will not Gumby out on me again!)
GUBU will be here taking care of the critters, and I will be with friends, doing what I love. Plus, I get to actually sleep in a nice hotel with no dogs waking me up night after night, and no roosters crowing their heads off at 3:30 AM....
I'll read but will keep the posting to a minimum.
Crisis Postings Only!
You being gone is depriving me of my morning funnies--in a good way, BUT I won't deprive your amoeba from water so I'll keep the petri dish adequately supplied to ensure he'll liiivve for you to continue with your experiment!
GGG, Not a damm thing you coulda done. You coulda been the vision of perfection in practically every way and he still woulda gone off the deep end of the pool without a floatie.
Personally, I think an affair is a form of emotional abuse and misguided anger/control sent from one spouse to the other.
Yep. In the end, it's their choice how they handle things and it is their responsibility to handle their happiness. Essentially, how you perceive the world around you is how it is.
MLCr's are broken. They try to fix themselves in any number of ways. But directing anger at your spouse is certainly unhealthy for all concerned. Except lawyers. They always seem to do ok in these situations
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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