Sorry to hear the news Mike, but now you can really get down to work sorting your life out. You don't have to worry about W or second guess or anything like that. As Cadet says you have the gift of time. You WILL pull through. And the folks on here will help you.
Old Dog xx
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Saw your note on Infidelity this morning and wanted to come over to your thread and just offer support. I can only imagine how you feel this morning, and it will probably be worse tonite after dark (always seems to be), but as the others have said you WILL get thru this.
Although my wife never left us for her OM, she was but a shell of her old self when she WAS home, and she did leave us for hours at a time including leaving our kids to fend for themselves during the day while she hooked up with OM. It is an incredibly painful thing to watch and to experience.
Not a whole lot I can add to what Kat said above, which was EXCELLENT. This is HER journey right now, and you've going to have to use this time away from her to grow stronger and more independent. If the laundry and cleaning intimidate you that much, then you probably had some work to do in this regard anyway.
Hurt for today and let it all wash over you (so long as you DON'T pursue your wife), and then steel yourself tomorrow and head into the headwind, brother. You can do this.
dont pursue . ok im trying not to as hard as i can . I want to beg and i want to plead but i know that I cant . someone please tell me that i will get her back someday . I need to hear this . I need alot of support right now because i feel very sick
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
OK, so nix the one day of wallowing. YOUR BOYS NEED YOU RIGHT NOW, so you don't get that luxury.
They are at VERY formative ages (13 and 15 as I recall?) for how they are going to learn how to deal with adversity, and specifically adversity as it relates to the opposite sex, for the rest of their lives.
You're may not want to hear this, but you need to suck it up. How long since you discovered A? If you're modeling "STRENGTH AND HONOR" in front of your sons every day and today just has you reeling b/c of the latest development, then okay. But just briefly going back and reading some of your threads I'm not seeing anything but panic and hysteria from you.
Time to reach down deep, Dawg. Your family needs a hero right now, and it obviously AIN'T gonna be your wife. Have you meet with a family law atty yet?
I discovered A about 4 months ago . it was 4 months old before i discovered . I havent seen an attorny yet .She was giving me the signs that we were working things out and i was backing way off giving her space .Im try to be strong but its so brutal .I know I have to man up here . Yeah ive been trying to put on a show in front of them , but i feel like im on the edge of a breakdown
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
You're getting GREAT advice here. And I know you feel weak and defeated and miserable, but you're going to get through this. Know that.....
I read on another forum that this is a little bit like being stuck on a ship in a storm. You're seasick and you just kind of have to wait out the storm. There's a part of that analogy that really works for me.
That said - it's time to really DO some things. 1) Detach. (This is a little bit funny - because that's really doing nothing, at least with WAW.) But you've had trouble doing this, so now it's easier if she's gone. Don't text her. Don't email her. Don't call her. She left for OM - which is going to help you detach. THAT'S ACTUALLY GOOD. I know it sounds crazy - but allow it to be the silver lining for you right now.
2) Meet with a family lawyer if you haven't done so already. You don't have to file, but figure out what your rights are and how to protect yourself if she does. She left you, so that should help you.
3) Learn how to do laundry and clean the house! WHAT FUN! Haha - kind of kidding, and kind of not. Time for you and the kids to take on some of those jobs. It's not actually that horrible, and if you divide up the jobs they'll get done in no time. You will be giving your kids some valuable life lessons by teaching them how to do these things. Additionally, you guys might be able to use the time to talk with each other...
Consider this a great opportunity to show an "As if..." You and your boys are now going to live "as if" you don't need your wife around. Guess what? You'll learn that you don't. Guess what else? You're going to find that you're stronger than you know.
4) Find some gratitude. I know it's really hard when life seems so dark. But look around you. Here, it's a beautiful day. Like, stunningly beautiful. I'm grateful for it. I'm grateful for my healthy, smart, kind kids. I'm grateful for my dog! I'm grateful that I have a board where I can find great advice and find that I have more inner strength than I thought I had. You can make your own list.
In the meantime - she's gone to where she thinks the grass is greener. Most of the time, folks discover that it's actually not greener over there. She's on her journey now (she has been for some time). Now you get to start yours for real.
The journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step. You can do this.
1. See an atty ASAP. I cannot even believe you haven't done this yet. A good family law attorney who specializes in paternal custody and "men's rights" issues.
2. Have you talked to your doctor about getting any anti-anxiety/anti-depressants prescribed? They REALLY helped me, and there's no shame in that at all if it helps you be there for your kids and work thru your sitch. Some do take a good 2 weeks to "kick in," so if you haven't done this yet, you should. Mine gave me two -- one that sort of "evened me out" every day and one to take for times like you're having right now, when I felt like a panic attack was coming on (fortunately, I only needed to take one of those 3-4 times).
3. Do you have any close friends or family nearby who you can lean on today? You need support from "someone with skin on" as my granddaughter would say.
Please get that lawyer meeting right away. There are legal implications to everything you and your wife do right now (what she just did is very likely considered "abandonment" of her children, for example) that need to be documented. You will find comfort in knowing what your rights, responsibilities, opportunities and potential threats are.
